Just A Cornerstone From My World....

Have you ever been lied to? I think we all have and I also think we have let the words that aren’t the truth come off of our lips. Sometimes not our proudest moments but we have all been there on the receiving end and on the end of telling the lie. One lie doesn’t make the rest right but sometimes I think at times it feels that the truth is better left unsaid and should remain a mystery. If we don’t tell the exact truth then we aren’t really hurting anyone. When in truth most will find out what the truth really is and it ends up hurting someone.  I have gotten to a point in my life that this is who I am and I don’t need to lie or tell little white lies. Those white lies compromise me as a person and I am done with compromising anything about me. I am proud of whom I have become and I only want to surround myself with people that are willing to be the same.

I’m sad tonight because someone has lied to me. Someone has compromised my intelligence and also has made me doubt trusting people. Let me refute that statement a couple of people lied to me today. I had a co-worker look me straight in the eye and lie. How easy it was for this person to state something not even remotely close to the truth in order to avoid admission of one simple mistake. A mistake that was just that a mere mistake, nothing more, nothing less. This person was not going to be reprimanded but just reminded that she needed to do things a little more carefully yet she instead decided to compromise herself and lie. I had another person lie by telling me that they had never been trained on what it was I was questioning them on; the sad thing, the day before, I had the same conversation with them, yet they lied. Then I had someone in my personal life that I had trusted lie. Not just a little white lie but something that is quite big.

I always promised myself that when I left my ex I would never be the other woman. I would never be that girl that added more conflict and pain to another family. I couldn’t do what my ex husband did to me to another person, because I had lived and breathed that pain for many waking moments and let it haunt me late into the darkness. I would never want my worst enemy to feel the pain I felt when I found out that he couldn’t have sex with me but was obliging to other women. Yes, you read right, women. Not just the one he is now married to but the many others. Every time he was away for training or late, I never gave it another thought, yet here he was out with someone else breaking our marriage vows. How easy it was for him, yet when the same opportunities crossed my path I couldn’t quite fathom the idea.

Now in this moment I could be that other women with a man that I started to adore. I knew most of his story and this seemingly nagging gut feeling that there was a tad bit more to it than what he was really letting on. I feel so stupid and when he realized that I figured it out he has nothing to say. No apology just the words this is what I do and you like who I am. I don’t get that. I really don’t at all. It’s like I am just supposed to accept he’s married and he has no intention of being single yet he thinks it’s quite alright to lead someone on, do nice things for them, spend money on them, kiss them, challenge them, tell them they are beautiful, tell me he could go a million miles away and still get lost in my eyes a thousand times over. I don’t get that….at all.

Right now, I feel so suffocated and hurt. I feel bad for his wife. Maybe she knows and likes the lifestyle so she can’t let go. As for me I have to let go because I need more, want more and I definitely deserve so much more than just the little bit he could give me. I feel like such a fool. He’s married. I was the other woman. I hate that statement. I don’t understand how I missed all of the signs. I was telling my mom and she said how could I have possibly seen them when he was everything I had ever wanted and so much more. He was that great guy, the one guy that I actually started having genuine feelings for, how could I let myself actually start to fall.  Now here I am tonight in misery with my heart just a little broken because of how easily it is for one to lie to another human being.  

Today at church the minister was talking about “taking our garbage out”; basically he was talking about that we have to give up the things that God would not want us to be doing in order to have a closer and better relationship with Him. I have talked to so many people and even I have been guilty of trying to make what God wants to fit my lifestyle rather than living how God wants us to every day. There are things I do and I am sure others do that are definitely things that God would not want us to do. I am not claiming to be perfect nor will I ever be but I can’t mold God to fit into my life, I have to mold myself into what God wants me to be instead. That means coming full circle and realizing there are things about me that I do need to change. I need to be better and not just saying that I am but really act on it. I need to walk the talk rather than just talking the talk. You have to become an activist and make God first in your life, not just when it is convenient for you but always.

Lately, I have been a little scared, you see I work quite a bit of overtime to help me so that I can cover my mortgage, my car payment, my electric, my phone, my cable, my DSL and so forth. Well, I have been told I cannot work much overtime if any. That’s a tough blow to me because I depend on that to pay my bills and I am a single income. I hate touching my savings because eventually it will be gone too. So, I am really trying hard to give my fear and apprehensions I have for the future in God’s hands. I am giving Him my burden and I am rededicating my life to Him. I desperately need Him in my life and He’s always been there but more as a convenience to me when I needed Him. So starting today, I give my life to Him and I am working on building a stronger relationship with God and being a better Christian too.

I love this church I have found. I have been making friends and they really care too. The one gentleman that I have been in contact with made sure to introduce me today to a woman that he thought I would have much in common with. Her and I talked today and I can’t believe how much we have in common. It was like God knew we needed each other in our lives. That in itself has made me realize that I have found the right place to start my journey of being a better Christian. I want to speak His word and tell everyone I know of the feelings I get when I sit and feel His presence in that sanctuary. Today, I had chills on my spine and got rather dizzy because I was so lost in the preacher’s words that he spoke of God.

I know I am not alone in this life and I know Jesus Christ will always be by my side, even when things seem tough I will somehow manage. His strength will help me when I am weak, His love will soften my heart so that I too can have a soaring spirit that is filled with love and joy. I know that when this life is over I will have a much better one than anything I could ever imagine and whilst I am on this crazy planet called Earth I will do everything in my power to prepare myself and anyone around me for His second coming…as I believe we are one day closer to that great day when He comes for His children…there will be no hurt, my little niece Emma won’t have her little club foot she will be even more perfect than she already is, we won’t feel the heartache and sadness, I won’t be lonely, both of my grandmas will not have pain nor will they suffer anymore. We will live in a world that is about peace and we will all get along loving one another without any judgments.

I had this interesting conversation with a friend the other night. We were talking about letting go. You see, this time of year I always have a hard time. This weekend, Labor Day Weekend, 6 years ago I found out I was pregnant and I always remember that moment of how happy I felt and I remember all of the feelings of what it is like to be pregnant in the early moments. I have held onto all of those emotions, not because I wish I was with my ex husband but because it’s a part of how I became who I am right now. I was telling my friend that I wasn’t sure if I could let that go completely and he said to me, maybe it’s just something you don’t know how to let go of and possibly something you aren’t meant to let go of.

What he said made so much sense. I feel if I let go I will lose a part of how I got where I am. I feel if I let go I will forget the strength it has taken me and the enduring journey I have taken to get where I am at right now. If I let go of that little angel baby I might forget why I had to do what I had to do. I feel in my heart that I shouldn’t let go with time it has healed and I don’t think about my ex because he isn’t even a part of the whole big picture; he was just the donor for that terrific feeling of exuberance I felt back then. He wasn’t there for me when I really needed him because he was too selfish to see that when I miscarried my little angel that I barely had the strength to even breathe and he just saw that it was my fault and he was the only one hurting. I hurt back then because of the blame I felt but now, I feel and know it happened to me and that miscarriage had a purpose and brought a whole new meaning to life to me in so many ways.

I believe that it will always be a little tough around this time of year but I’ve let go of blaming myself, because it had nothing to do with me. That little angel wasn’t meant to be born nor was my ex and I meant to be parents as a couple. I know that I am meant to be a mom someday and I know eventually that will happen when that right guy comes into my life until that time I just am enjoying biding my time as a single young woman. I feel that I am in store for some great changes, I think career-wise, man-wise and spiritually I am becoming more alive and awake and I can feel change not too far off in the distance.

So, I don’t think it’s a matter of letting go of things completely unless you are using it as a crutch or an excuse than you need to work on letting those negatives go, but in my situation I don’t view it as a negative anymore, it was  and is a positive. I lost yet I have gained so much because of that little angel baby. It’s an empowering feeling when you can look back and see where you were and how down you were but then see it as more of a stepping stone to get where you are right now and that in my book is a really good thing.

Two years ago on August 19^th, 2006 I moved out of a life of comfort and a life with very few worries. Instead I took the road a little less traveled and decided that the way I had been living almost 13 years really wasn’t living at all, it was just an existence. I had turbulent times pretty much the whole 13 years I was married, some I will contribute to being his fault but some fault was mine as well, that I will not deny. If I could turn back time I would have done a few things differently but I do believe that the end result would have been real close to what it ended up being.

In those 13 years I lost a part of this vivacious, beautiful, sexy, spirited, funny and loveable, young girl. Somewhere between there and then I lost a big part of the person I was, I don’t think it was a purposeful journey to losing a part of myself, I think it is something that just unconsciously happened. I really hadn’t a clue as to what I was back then.  Even now, when I look at myself I sometimes do not recognize all of the wonderful things I have become. True, I know deep down inside that I am all those things and more, but it is sometimes hard to really realize and really know that truly is who you are. In fact it’s sometimes hard to believe it and believing is really seeing it.

The last two years have not been the easiest, I’ve had the rebound relationship and will always feel bad that he wasn’t someone that I could spend the rest of my life with and he now realizes I am what he has been searching for all of his life. He’s a great friend but that’s all I can see him as is. I’ve had a fling, I learned from that and realized that it’s okay that I had that because he was someone that really made me see some things in myself that I hadn’t seen and/or forgotten that I had. I forgot that I had sexual appeal to the opposite sex and that is something that is highly important to realize. I am someone that deserves to have a healthy intimate life with that special someone and I have realized at the right time that person will come along and things will just fit. Most days, I’m not in a hurry to meet him, but some days I do get impatient and wonder if I will meet that one guy, but then I realize its God that is testing me to be faithful to believe in Him and what He wants for me.

I’ve become much more confident in the last two years; I have more confidence than I have ever had. You see, I’m not that young girl anymore; I’m a beautiful, young woman, one with an old soul, but an extremely young spirit. I realize my worth and I place value on myself. I don’t look at losing a child, going through a divorce and dealing with some of the hardships I did when I was married as a hindrance anymore; I look at it as a part of me, but something that I had to go through to get where I am right this very moment. I will always miss my baby and wonder what that little child would have been like, but that is to be expected. I will always remember finding out over a Labor Day weekend that I was expecting, once upon a time. I will always remember that night that I knew that part of me was taken away forever in one rainy October night. I have come to understand its okay to remember those things, to embrace them for what they are and keep them close to my heart but I’ve learned that I am better because I have experienced those things and it has made me more appreciative of what I do have and where I am headed.

I have realized my intelligence. I didn’t realize that I was as intelligent as I am, I have a high IQ, mine is 138, and the average IQ for a person ranges between 100 and 115. So, I know I am capable of more than I was letting myself be; perhaps being told I wasn’t smart had something to do with that and actually believing it. It has definitely taken me a lot to comprehend that I am intelligent and really understand just how smart I am. I remember a time and a place it was easier to play the “dumb blonde” than to let on that I knew exactly what others were talking about and in actuality I probably knew way more about the topic then they did. I do make myself partake in conversations I normally would have just listened to, I do read current events and I do think in a critical manner of things I normally wouldn’t have cared anything about. I also have realized I enjoy being intellectually challenged and stimulated; thus the taking online classes to get my BA in business and also studying psychology comes into play. I also realize this is also something I need in order to have a successful relationship.

Along the way I have discovered not judging a book by its cover. I have realized that it’s good to get to know people for what they are inside rather than just what’s in the inside and usually you are pleasantly surprised. I have learned to look at people differently and think less critically of them; after all we have all had different walks to get us to where we are. The road they traveled quite possibly was different than mine and I am accepting that it was; I also know not all people have had the same opportunities as I have as well as the fact I haven’t had the same ones they have had, that truly is what makes us unique individuals.

I’ve learned that many people are not comfortable in their own skin and like to embellish who they are by making them out to be something they do not quite resemble. I too have been guilty of this and have learned it’s better to be upfront and comfortable with whom you are, because in the end it will get you further. I am a curvy and chubby girl and that’s okay. I will never be an athlete because that’s just not who I am. I work out, but because I know it’s beneficial for me and makes me feel less tired, helps me to feel less stressed and also it enables me to be able to eat some of the things that aren’t as healthy. I have learned that I really hate drinking carrot juice but I know it’s beneficial to my health and yes even though sometimes I feel as though I am gagging as I drink it, it too has its benefits and I feel so much better if I have drank it.  

Lastly, but most importantly I found God. I am once again feeling His amazing presence in my life. I feel that my journey with Him is just beginning. I want to do what Jesus wants me to do in my life and it isn’t always about what I want. It’s His plan that He has for me that is important and I refuse to lose sight of that again.

Be Blessed My Friends…..I am taking a much needed vacation to the place I love, the North Shore here in Minnesota. I cannot wait to do yoga by Lake Superior and hear the waves crashing against the rocks, renewing my love of life and my love of myself and all of the beautiful things that surround me. I am fortunate to be able to take this vacation with my wonderful mom….I feel I am truly blessed more than I can even begin to describe……

Today, I experienced something really different as well as facing one of my fears. Everything went well and I am definitely better for it.  I went to church for the first time by myself. It was such a good thing too. I was apprehensive but I had emailed the minister the night before and he assured me that it would be a good experience and said he hoped that I would find the courage to come there. Somewhere, somehow I mustered it up and did it.

The experience was unlike anything I have experienced before. I have never been to a church where they have a band playing the music and that you sing for most of the service. The sermon was more than incredible. It jump started me and left me craving more…..GOD is AWESOME!!!

The sermon today really struck me because it talked about not what God do for me but what I need to ask Him and that is what I can do for you, what you want me to do for you. It was such a good message and I can hardly wait to go back next week!