I think one of the scariest things I’ve gone through is finding out that my mole could possibly be something more serious. The thought of having cancer scared the heck out of me. I can’t even begin to describe how it made me feel. It changes your thought process as to what really is important and what really isn’t. No one really understands what it does unless they have been there too. I’ve realized just how precious life really is and how you should indeed really live every moment as though it’s your last one.

I found out this week the larger piece that they took out on my stomach came back with typical cells, which means they were able to get the bad tissues that could grow and cause cancer out. However, it doesn’t mean it’s gone forever. It could grow back and/or I could have other moles that will be more susceptible to being atypical, meaning they could be cancer growing cells.

My life has changed because of this. For the rest of my life I will have to have a full body skin check up. I will never go near a tanning bed, nor will I care if I have color for the summer. White is in and that’s all there is to it. Sun block will be my best friend in the summer. I will always have in the back of mind that cancer could be lurking around the corner in my body, because I now think differently because of this experience. I will tell all of my friends and anyone I come into contact with about my experience.

I always had this attitude that something like this couldn’t nor would it ever happen to me. True, what happened to me was minor compared to what some people have had to go through, but it has changed me and made me realize so many things. It’s made me see things in a completely different light. It amazes me of the strength that I have found within myself and the strong sense of faith I have discovered from within. I’ve never lost sight that God, would know exactly what I needed right now and I would prevail through whatever it was he put before me.

I will always have the 2 inch scar that represents the 6 inches they took out from my stomach. It will always remind me of what I went through and how fortunate I am. I have gotten the stitches out but I still have pain there. I imagine I will for awhile as it heals. I feel blessed, I feel fortunate, I feel so lucky….it’s incredible feeling to feel what I do….

Have a beautiful weekend, enjoy every little smile that each face you encounter brings you…appreciate the things around you that you may have forgotten about…..

Cynthia

My life as of late has been hectic. Again I have been neglecting my space. Perhaps its because I feel more like my old self and I don’t feel the need to get my feelings on paper. It also could be due to the fact that at my job I’m on a computer all day and when I get home I just don’t feel like being on the computer.

So much change, yet it feels so good too. Since my minor surgery Mike has helped me out immensely. He stayed with me this past weekend and every time I thought about food there was a plate in front of me. My floors were swept, vacuumed and scrubbed and I never lifted a finger. I was spoiled, treated like a princess. It was one of those “wow” moments even though I was in a bit of pain.

Mike and I are starting to look at houses. That’s scary for him since he’s never owned a home. He told me the other day that he’s excited to get in a house for me to make it a home, because he thinks the way I decorate is beautiful. I, on the other hand have lived in two homes and understand the beauty and pleasure that comes from having something that is yours. Yours to paint how you want, yours to do laundry when you want, yours to do anything you want at any moment. I can’t wait to share that with Mike.

Mike and I have this connection that I have never experienced with anyone before. Even when we weren’t together we still talked and we just knew when each of us needed the other. He’s done some growing up and realized how important I am to him. He has always been important to me; I couldn’t get him out of my heart after we broke up. Everywhere I went something seemed to remind me of him. I couldn’t drink Chai Tea anymore because it reminded me of him. I could smell his cologne in my vehicle in fact I could smell him in my dreams.

What we have is so magical. When we are together it’s like it is only us and no one else. I’ve never had that connection with someone before. He knows what I am thinking and I know what he is thinking. He is one of the most honest people I have ever met. He amazes me everyday. Because of who is and where he has been makes me want to be a better person. I never thought it would be possible to love someone as much as I love him. I never thought it possible to have someone love me as much he loves me….

So until next time….have a beautiful day and enjoy every moment.....

Cynthia

I had my minor surgery on Thursday. I of course went through all of the emotions, anxiety, nervousness, freaked out part, all of it, but in the end I decided that it was okay to be scared and I’ve been through so much and have made it through so whatever happened with these test results I’d be okay and better for it. The doctor took out a football shape area on my lower abdomen. The incision is about 2 inches long and the skin they took out was about 2 inches on each side. I didn’t feel a thing. I was completely awake for the procedure and in a half hour I was sutured up and on my way. 90% of people that have to go back for the 2^nd procedure don’t have to have a 3^rd one done, but have to come in every 6 months for a thorough skin exam. That’d be me one of the ones that belong in the sixers club.

My grandma was asking me if I thought where they cut me open if I’d scar and I said probably. She immediately said that’s too bad and I said no, really it’s a good thing. It’s the one thing on my body that is a constant reminder of where I have been and what I went through and how lucky I am that it hasn’t been worse. She was surprised by my attitude, which she shouldn’t be. That’s how I’ve become lately, life goes on, no matter what we are dealt. Life still moves on, we, are the ones that choose if we move with it or not. Only you can decide if you want to move on with life, I do. It’s a simple choice. I want to live amongst the living and continue loving life.

This is just a bump in the road. I’ll get better and heal. I won’t have the pain in my side and will be able to get a good nights sleep with no pain soon enough. I will never forget what I went through, nor will I ever be out in the sun without my sun block. Just how it is from now on and everyone I meet from this day forward will hear what I went through and hopefully they will be convinced to wear sun block and stay out of tanning beds too. So with that I bid you adieu and say count your blessings, because life is short and it keeps moving on....on...on....and.....on......

Cynthia

So, Mike and I are back together.

We had a bit of a falling out. The time that we were apart I was absolutely lost without him but I knew that he wasn’t where I needed him to be at. I felt like he didn’t want the same things as I wanted and needed. Anyway, during the break up period we talked off and on. Even though he wasn’t physically with me he was in my heart and no matter how hard I tried to push him out of my heart and my mind I just couldn’t. Yet I knew he had to grow up a bit and realize that the things I wanted were things that were for both of us and it was realistic.

At some point he realized just how important I was and just how important what I wanted was what he wanted as well. He grew up a bit. I of course was really scared and a bit apprehensive to trust him again and believe this sudden change. So we continued to talk. I liked what he was saying to me. I knew what he was saying was sincere, honest and most importantly it was from his heart.  He wasn’t telling me what he thought I wanted to hear but what he really meant.

So he’d ask me out and I’d say no. One day something pushed me to text him and tell him I was thinking about him. He text messaged me back. He said when he received the text message he just stared at it because he couldn’t believe that I really was thinking of him. The truth is he had never left my mind.

I agreed to go out on a date with him, but I told him I wasn’t making any promises of us getting back together or if we would go out again. He came and picked me on Saturday for the date he planned. He had a card that he had written in it that I was an inspiration to him and a dozen red roses. We hugged and the awkwardness left that we both had felt when he first got there. It was almost like old times, yet he was different, better than before.

So we went on our date. We stopped in a coffee shop for awhile talking, talking about the future, the past and the present. It was incredible. No one else existed but him and me. We were two people just lost in our own moment. I’ve never had a moment like that where no one else existed except when I’ve been with Mike.  We ended up eating dinner at one of my favorite restaurants and brought a piece of cheesecake to share back at his place and then we went to one of my friends’ birthday party. We did some dancing and when it was him and me on the dance floor it was like we were floating amongst the stars and we were the only two there. It was without a doubt one of the best dates I’ve ever had. It was almost as though it was magical. I still feel like I am walking on cloud nine from it.

There are so many things I love about Mike. His faith in God, his spirituality, his dedication to his sobriety, he amazes me with the strength that he has. I know when I am in his arms that everything will always be alright. I know when I look into his baby blues he is telling me the honest truth, he’s faithful and he loves me more than anyone has ever loved me before. It’s an amazing gift that Mike and I have and I’m glad I opened my heart to give him a second chance on us…..

This one is for you….I love you Mike and I always will…. I look forward to many more chapters in the story of us…..

Love,

Cynthia

Some of the things I struggle with is being selfish and doing things just for me. I have a hard time when someone just genuinely likes me and does something so unselfish for me. In my head I hear this voice that tells me I don’t quite deserve this. I guess I assume because that they want something because that’s how my ex was. He’d buy something for me or do something nice and unexpected because he either wanted something or because he had done something to upset me.

It amazes me that how you have one person do something to you and it damages you….until you are able to let it go and just enjoy what is meant for you to enjoy. I’m at that letting go stage. Everyday I let go a little bit more and understand my self worth. Whether it’s someone else reminding me or me recognizing where I’ve been and who I am becoming. At times it’s daunting because it’s scary and overwhelming to deal with so much change, yet you know in your heart you really are much better.

It could be the simple word from someone’s lips that say I’m an Angel. It makes me smile from my heart that someone thinks enough of me to call me that. My x always said I was never worthy of angel status. It could be when a stranger whom I speak with at work says I made their day better and brighter because they were having a bad day. It gives me this warm and fuzzy feeling. One that I thought was lost forever, the feeling that slowly is thawing and feeling once again.

I feel so rich and blessed with everything I have. Sometimes I feel as though I am bursting at the seams. It’s a strange feeling for me to know I really have nothing, but I have everything right here in my heart, my soul and my spirit. The journey I’m on is sometimes one of the most enduring ones I have been on, but everything I have and everything I have become I will forever be grateful to have realized it. It almost brings me to tears to know this is my year…..good and even the bad, I will always shine because yes, indeed I really am an Angel…..