Have you ever noticed that when you are single everywhere you turn it’s all about being part of a couple. I’m miserable today. It’s cold outside, I had a rough day and I miss being part of an us, a we and a couple. I really, really am missing all of that tonight. I was going to watch a movie but I realized it would only make things worse because my movies are all love stories. I am watching TV but the show I put on is a sitcom about being a couple. I changed it to country music videos (which I can’t figure out why I thought those would be anything but about being a part of a couple) and low and behold there was a song on about love and all that other stuff.

The truth of the matter is I loved being married. I loved being part of a couple. I loved a lot of things in my marriage and if I could erase the last five years of our marriage I would. That’s when things went from not so good to really bad. The loss of our child is what severed whatever feelings we had left for each other completely. They were gone, gone forever. The day we lost the baby I knew in my heart things were close to being over. I’m not sure that I was ready to verbalize it then but I know it was on the tip of my tongue. We grew apart that year, really apart. I think we forgot how to love each other when we really needed each other the most. It makes me sick to my stomach thinking about how awful and unloving we were to each other.

I still love Alan. I always will, but I also know that I am very capable of loving someone new. I want to develop new and unfelt feelings that I have never felt for someone different. I want to have someone that can hold me tight and tell me everything will be alright. I want to be kissed like I’ve never been kissed before and I want to share every utmost intimate detail of me with someone that thinks I am really special. I really miss having someone make me feel special. Its been so long since someone has just randomly done something really nice just for me to appreciate with nothing behind it and no expectations. I used to do little things like leaving special I love you notes in random places that Alan would find, typically at times when he needed to know that even though I wasn’t there physically my presence was always near. I remember one night I went and left an I love you type message in lipstick on his bathroom mirror so he’d find it when he came home from work at 4am. I used to leave some of his favorite snacks in places I knew where he’d find them as he was getting undressed and left his path back to the closet.

It’s been so long since I’ve done anything out of that special in love feeling for anyone. I miss that. I used to give Alan facials, although I don’t think he was always appreciative of them even though he said he did enjoy them. He used to listen to me ramble about some of the goofiest stuff. I miss being part of an us. It is such a simple two letter word yet to me it’s what I want my world to be about. I want to go to the zoo with someone, plan a fantasy vacation with, plan a cruise to Alaska with…I want someone to do things with. Someone to laugh with, be silly with, have a disagreement with but be able to make up with. I want all of those things. I want to hear sappy love songs and know that I have someone to love and he loves me.

I miss those things. I don’t miss Alan, I just miss the togetherness. I miss being a part of someone else’s intimate world. I miss holding hands with someone, touching someone’s face, kissing someone, laughing with someone, I miss being held at night and waking up in their arms, I miss knowing that someone loves me more than anything and I love them just as much. I miss so much and it hurts. I hurt. I feel pain tonight, my heart aches for that man that is meant to be a part of my life forever. I want him here on my time, not on God’s time. I’m feeling impatient and unsettled. I feel incomplete. I am tired, really tired of being just me and an I.

I know I have something to look forward to meeting “that guy” but until then tonight I feel lonely in this great big place called earth. I feel as though I am the only one that matters and I wish I mattered to someone. I’m sad. I’m so strong yet I am tired of not having someone to lean on. I’m tired of being the one to fix the doorknob that keeps falling off in my bathroom, I’m tired of adding softener salt to my softener, I’m tired of being the one to always remember to change the air filter on the furnace. For once in my life I’d like someone to just take care of me…not forever, but just pamper me for just a bit and then it would be his turn and our turn to take care of each other.

The date was a bust. Awful. Disastrous. Miserable. Those are the top 3 words that describe what I was feeling. It was bad. The guy that I met in Wal-Mart was a bit on the scruffy side, his hair was long and he had facial hair. Which totally doesn’t fit what I normally am attracted to but he was/is attractive. The guy shows up at my doorstep and I open the door to a guy that looks like a younger and thinner version of my ex husband. This guy got a hair cut, you know the kind the military guys get, so very, very short. I think my eyeballs popped out of my head. Anyway, I didn’t let that falter things. We talked for awhile and then headed to the movie. The movie wasn’t bad if you can handle someone next to you basically stuffing popcorn into their face as fast as they could and have butter dripping down their fingers. I enjoyed the movie, it was pretty emotional for me considering I have lost a child but it was a good movie. After the movie he drove me back to my place and long story short this semi truck was swerving all over the road and I pulled out my cell to call 911 and Wal-Mart boy got really edgy about it. He started making derogatory comments about cops and how they are worthless. What do you say to that? I was married to a cop for 13 years and I tell you what if someone ever would burglarize my home or family’s place or if I were to get into an accident or one of my family members this is the guy you would want there. He is one of those good cops. So the last 4 miles to my home I thought would never come. It was awful. So, I got out said thanks and RAN into my house.

After I was safely inside my home I was in a state of I’m not even sure what. I felt as though my heart was going to vomit. Yeah, my heart felt like it was going to vomit. I was on the verge of a bunch of emotions that I’ve dealt with once in awhile and I really didn’t want to deal with them again. I happened to check my emails and my good friend who I will call Sam emailed me; telling me if I needed to talk when I got home I should call him. So, I did. Funny, thing is though what I wanted to do when I got home was to call him but I knew it was late and I didn’t want to bother him with my anxiety issues. You see this guy Sam I happened to stumble on as a friend was purely by mistake. A planned thing on God’s part, this I know for sure. He’s the guy that tells me I’m beautiful when I feel ugly. He’s the guy that tells me I’m not fat when I feel I really am obese. He’s the guy that tells me my black sweater looks good on me. He’s the guy that tells me that my hair looks awesome straight and I look younger. He’s the guy that has this cute crush on me. He’s the guy that I’ve shared some of my secrets, ambitions and dreams with. He’s the guy that I can’t have feelings for but I do.

He’s 23. I’m 36, almost 37. He’s miles away and I’m here and not going anywhere. I have urges to talk to him frequently but I limit the urges because I know I could hurt him. I don’t want to hurt him…ever. I often wonder what it would be like to be in Sam’s arms. I often wonder what it would be like to kiss him and have him kiss me back. I often wonder what it would be like for a lot of things with Sam. The more I talk to him the more I like him. I know he has so much growing to do so I often wonder if our relationship is hindrance on what he really needs right now. I know that if I said the words he’d be here and I feel like I would be stealing something from him and for that I have to be unselfish and think of him as my friend. He’s admitted he has a crush on me and that makes me happy yet so sad. It’s bittersweet because this great guy that you could easily fall in love with somehow landed in my life yet he’s young, he’s still a boy and has so much to learn about life, living and love. I often wonder why God has decided I needed Sam in my life right now if it’s not to fall in love with. I sure wish I could figure it out.

It’s been one of those weekends. Lazy and relaxing. It seems since Thanksgiving my weekends have consisted of go and go and more go. Which I’m not complaining about but it is rather nice to have some peace and quiet and me time. I had forgotten how much I needed my me time. Yesterday I braved the frigid cold (it’s Minnesota and darn cold!) and went and had something different done to my hair. A totally different me, my hair is now 4 inches shorter, blonder and straight! I like it though. I haven’t done a thing to my hair since September. I used to always make my hair a priority. Funny, how when you have a mortgage, car payment and other responsibilities that kind of takes the back seat! So, I look like a rocker now! Not really, but I kind of feel like one! Ha!

Where I go to get my hair done is where I consider home to be. Anyway, I had to wander into the local Wal-Mart after I had this fabulous transition in the hair department. If you really know me, you know that’s my least favorite place in the world. I love Target, but Wal-Mart? Not so much. I needed a printer, I bought a new computer a few months ago and didn’t really understand that when Vista is on it that perhaps your old but very nice printer wouldn’t talk to your new computer. Thus the reason behind purchasing a new printer. It only set me back $50.00 so it was well worth it. I also needed to purchase a DVD player, mine decided that it likes to pause on the most inopportune times. I got my printer, which I was wanting some help with but of course no one could figure out that when I was picking up every box and reading them that might possibly indicate I needed help. After figuring out which printer made sense for me to purchase I pushed my cart in the direction of DVD players with the hopes of being able to pick one out in less time than the printer took.

I was standing there looking at which one to buy. You see this is the 3^rd one I have had in about a year. They just quit. I’ve had the expensive one and that quit too. So I had decided I wasn’t going to spend a lot on it this time. As I was looking I literally backed up into this guy that was checking out the TV’s. So I politely asked him if he knew anything about DVD players. Which he did not. Let me back up, I had read this article that when you are single and looking that you should strike up conversations with people that look interesting and even if they are random it helps you get over the fear of approaching someone who you might really want to know more about. So that’s what I did. I started talking. He laughed at some of my goofy comments and I laughed at his. I bet we talked in the DVD aisle for at least 45 minutes. I think the Wal-Mart people thought I was trying to figure out a way to steal the printer and DVD player. Finally I said I needed to go and he asked me for my number. So, he’s text messaged me a couple of times and called me. He actually wanted me to come up to his place, but I declined saying I really needed to get to know him before that happened. Which is the smart thing to do.

The guy seems nice enough and if he asks me out on a date, I probably would go but I’m not sure that it’s a love connection. If anything I think I could have a few laughs and few smiles. It made me feel good that even with the new hairstyle because it really does look different, that my personality shined through and he thought I was cute and wanted to get to know more. Yeah, it definitely makes you feel good. Who’d ever think someone could ask for my number in a Wal-Mart? I never thought it! Now, I’m laughing about it. There is hope that I could meet Mr. PKC in a really random and abnormal spot. The article I read that said to approach a stranger worked and it definitely built my confidence. Look out world here I come louder and prouder than ever! Ha! Ha!

What’s life if you can’t laugh at yourself and laugh along the crazy beaten path? Not much fun in my eyes. Its funny how one small thing can make you realize just how incredible you are and how you are a valuable and rare gem. Yup that’s me!

From my heart to yours…….

This weekend I had a couple of dates with the same guy, true it ended with both of us going our separate ways, but I learned something from him. I learned that I haven’t given myself enough credit where credit is certainly due. I’ve accomplished a lot and I am extremely hard on myself. I didn’t really realize just how hard I was being on myself nor how damaging and self destructive those types of thoughts are on who I really want to be. Also something that has lead me to this realization is this strange phone call I had from my ex husband. It was odd because we don’t talk anymore. The divorce is final, he’s remarried and any time we have had to converse it’s been one ugly mess. So for him to call me was sort of odd, true he needed something but something that he had my address for and could have just forwarded it to me at my new address rather than calling me and telling me he was doing that. The call came after 10pm, which to me is somewhat rude to call anyone at that hour unless its an emergency and this definitely was not.

He wanted to let me know that my car payment had come to his house and he wasn’t going to be able to drop it off at my work because he was working nights. As of December I have become responsible for my truck payment. Part of the divorce decree was that he paid that as spousal maintenance. Anyway, I knew it would come to him because I had paid it on-line last month. So, I knew it was due and in fact have already paid it for this month. I digress, so he asked me if he had woke me or anyone else. Which I thought that was somewhat of a strange question but I humored him and said no I was still up doing some reading and the cat hadn’t gone to bed yet. He asked me if I was reading a romance novel and I said I wasn’t, I was reading something a bit more informative. Anyway, he asked how I was and I asked how he was. We both got the basic niceties out of the way. So he preceded to tell me that he and his wife bought a house, which I already knew, but I thought I’d play along with his silly game. He let me know it was almost new and where it was. I told him it was nice having something brand new as that’s what my town home is. His interest was perked because he said he didn’t know I had a brand new home. The conversation went on a bit, it was really an odd conversation actually. I was really nice, which I think surprised him. There were a couple of awkward silences where I asked him if he needed anything else. Then he’d go into reiterating why he had originally called. I actually felt sorry for him, he seemed lost. You kind of know these things when you have been married as long as he and I were.

Anyway, after the dates and the ex calling me, I started thinking about a lot of things. Things I have wanted to do but made excuses as to why I couldn’t or I’d put limitations on myself telling myself I wasn’t smart enough or something enough to go through with it. There are aspirations and dreams I have had and I have put them on hold or just let them diminish completely because I made myself think that I couldn’t possibly achieve them. Well, you know what? I can achieve them and I will. No more excuses!

One of the biggest dreams and aspirations I have had is that I have always wanted to write a book. At first I thought a romance novel since I have read a ton of them. Then I started toying around with the idea I’d like to write something a bit more near and dear to my heart. I’ve had this inner self voice telling me of this idea that should be written onto paper for everyone else to read. So, I bought this book the other day when I was at Barnes and Nobles. One on getting a book published. It really isn’t all that difficult as long as you have a good idea and can get the right opportunity with landing a contract with a publicist. It seems the process requires writing a query letter of what you are wanting to express on paper and having the outline and some basics to get your idea born. So, that’s what I want to do. I’m working on an outline and a query letter to send to publicists to see if I can get an opportunity to write something. I have an extremely good idea. You see, I think many people out there have gone through what I have but haven’t mustered or found the strength to leave the situation and never look back. I want to write something that others can see that yes momentarily life will look bleak and scary but in the long run when you get a bit farther down that path of your decision you will look back and realize why didn’t I do this sooner. You will feel this great sense of accomplishment of being better and living a better life because you had to in order to really live. Granted this could be a project that takes awhile but I am ready to dedicate myself to making my dream come true. I don’t have a timeline, but I do know that I want to work on it diligently but yet not let my life revolve around it. You see I am not putting any expectations on it, I am writing it because I need to. I need to write what’s in my heart to heal completely. If I am able to get it published along the way my fervently work will even be more appreciated by myself and hopefully if it does get published it will help someone and/or make a difference in someone’s life. I know by writing the words down to form sentences that sometimes seem to taunt me at night when I try to rest on paper will also help me. It will help me realize more about myself and give me greater sense of an accomplishment. No matter what the outcome, I will love myself and the experience will only enhance the growth that I have already experienced.

The second thing I need to do is get back to a place where I am more comfortable in my own skin. I’ve gained weight and I have always struggled with it. Always. This time I am putting my heart and soul into working on a healthier me that incorporates a healthier diet as well as a good exercise regime that really pushes me to feel stronger and being stronger. I want to be thinner because I know when I had shed some weight before I had felt so much better. This time I want to do it in a very healthy way by changing my lifestyle and cutting many things out that I should be anyway. I don’t have a goal that I want to achieve nor do I have an ideal size that I want to successfully be at. I just want to change my eating habits and working out habits to incorporate something that is better. Definitely a healthier lifestyle.

I also want to finish a few projects I had started in the decorating area of my town home. I have bought all of the things I need to finish it, I just have had excuses and haven’t wanted to really work on it. It’s time to just shove those excuses out the door and work on those things.

Lastly, I will still continue my search to find Prince Kind of Charming. The guy that doesn’t smoker, doesn’t drink a ton, the guy that doesn’t have children but wants them, the guy that is a Christian, the guy that wants to get married and build a life as one. I have very high hopes of finding him. I know he’s out there and I also know that the stronger I become and the more attentive I become to knowing me I get closer to him. Right now I believe neither of us are ready to meet each other. We have to learn a little bit more about ourselves before we are ready to be in a committed relationship. Once we get to that point God will intervene and we will conveniently find each other when the timing is right for both of us. God loves me and I know that I deserve to have the very best and someday I will have that person that has imperfections but he will fit with me perfectly and I perfectly with him.

So, yes I have much to accomplish but it’s for me. All of it is for me and it is something to benefit me. I look back on my life just the last couple of months and I have been so blessed to have a couple of good people come into my life and make me realize some things about myself that I really didn’t know existed within myself. You see it was always there, I just didn’t understand how to recognize it. I didn’t understand enough about me how to organize the emotions from within into something that could become more meaningful and beneficial for my actual true self. I’ve grown into something beautiful, it’s always been there but I didn’t know how to recognize it. When I look into the mirror, I see something I hadn’t seen for years. I see this beautiful, green eyed girl, with this amazing and incredible smile that just looks back at me and is ready to take on all of the challenges life may throw at me and I have also become more self sufficient, I have learned to rely on me. I understand my gut instinct more than ever and realize it will not lead me astray. I have to go with that and understand that the path it is leading me on is the one I am meant to follow. I may wander and for a moment or two I may feel stranded but I know that I will always manage to find my way somehow because I believe in Jesus Christ. I believe and have faith in this greater power that will always be there and will always help lead and guide me in the right direction.

It feels so good to be on this path. I cannot express enough my utmost happiness I am feeling at this exact moment. I feel exuberant. I wish I could bottle it and give it to all that have not yet recognized and realized the strength that they too are capable of finding and using it to get them through even the toughest of moments. Life isn’t promised to any of us, but the days, hours and minutes I have that equal out to be little moments I want to be better, I want to give what I feel to everyone, I want them to feel this warm feeling I have inside. This feeling isn’t something that I just all of sudden found, it’s something that has always been there, I just needed to tap into it and allow myself to revel in it and really let myself feel it. It’s something that we all have within us. It’s our inner happiness. We are all capable of finding it. We just have to be true to ourselves and not falter from that. If you stumble you have to pick yourself up and know that it’s okay, don’t beat yourself up, but reaffirm where you really want to go and what you really want. Trust me my friend you will find yourself there and you will find that happiness that I have finally found….you really will, believe in yourself because you are great and you are an extremely important gift to this world.