I am doing great. At times I am amazed at how well I am doing. There are times where I get a bit down, but somehow within me I find the strength to get where I need to be. My job is going quite well, I’m catching on quickly and I genuinely enjoy what I am doing. My social life is comfortable with the special guy I am seeing. We don’t see each other too much because he doesn’t live real near by, but we talk everyday and enjoy the time we do have when we are together.

I had to go to my estrange’s place last night for a couple of things. I had called prior to going there because I didn’t want to surprise him and his girlfriend. When I drove up he was out polishing his boots. He looked me up and down and I was waiting for one of his degrading comments. He actually said, and his words "God, you look great!" I’m not sure if he is trying to score bonus points with me in the settlement we are trying to work out or if he sincerely meant it. I politely said thank you and thought to myself that he looked extremely rundown and tired. I will admit it did feel good to have him notice how good I look. I’ve lost about35 pounds, I was having an impressively great hair day and my make up and clothes looked spectacular. So yes I did in fact look great or as my boyfriend says I’m smoking. I’m not on fire yet so I don’t think that’s quite accurate. (

The hard part about going to the place I used to call home is seeing her shoes in the closet where I once kept my shoes. I kept thinking to myself what kind of a woman is comfortable to go to a man’s house knowing that I still have complete access to it whenever I want as long as I call before hand. It’s different for me because I have my own space that’s not connected in anyway to him so I think my boyfriend feels pretty comfortable in my environment. There is nothing here of the estranged, which is how I want it. I did ask the estranged about some of the rumors I have heard about him having an affair. He claims that they aren’t true. In fact he said "hon, you know me, we were married for almost 13 years, you should know me better to even think that." My response was I don’t think I honestly ever knew you because you never fully let me know who you really are.

I had to laugh a bit because the estranged was wanting to know about who I was dating. We talked a bit about who he was dating and who I was dating. I made the comment that the guy I am seeing has been sober and drug free for 15 years and that I have quit drinking because of he doesn’t. Which he retorted that has to be difficult for me. My reply was when you care about someone you would do whatever to make them more comfortable. The estranged of course made one of his judgmental comments as to not getting involved with someone like that. At that moment I realized a few things, I realized that he would always judge people, he would never give someone a second chance even if they made a mistake once. He doesn’t understand that someone can make someone want to be better because of where they have been and where they are going. He just doesn’t get it at all and that is really sad.

When we were talking he asked me if I was falling in love with this guy and I said it really wasn’t any of his business, I did say I didn’t think so. The estranged said he has never seen my eyes shine so brightly and proudly when I’ve talked about someone before and he said it had been years since he saw some of the happiness he once knew that I shared with him in the life we had once had. I thought it was really nice of him to say. It made me realize that I am possibly falling in love, not lust, because that is something that we haven’t done. We just have connected on a completely different level, one that is magical, when we are together time stops, no one else is around. We stare into each other’s eyes and we feel each other’s hearts and souls.

Mike....brings out this side of me that’s always been there but I never was allowed to bring out. A side that wouldn’t work in the world that the estranged and I had created. This crazy and wild side of mine, that’s sweet yet innocent, yet a little daring. I’m passionate, more than I ever thought I could possibly be. The feelings I have they don’t revolve around sex, because that’s not where things are at with us. In time, yes they will be but right now, we both are enjoying getting to know each other and share a few kisses. It’s a completely different personality than I ever even anticipated having. It’s quirky, fun loving, unique and it feels as though I am living more than I have ever lived in a really long time. So with that, I need to go to bed and join my boy in dreamland where even though we are miles apart our souls somehow find each other to dance while we are sleeping.

Cynthia

So I found out some interesting news this past weekend. My husband whom, I trusted completely and never questioned the times he was late or the times he was gone at training and never called when he said he would....was cheating. A friend of his in law enforcement that he doesn’t work directly with, saw me out this weekend when I was running some errands. This person stopped me and told me they wanted to tell me something because he thought I deserved to know. I of course couldn’t figure it out because most of the law enforcement people have shunned me. I was surprised this person even confronted me. Apparently from what this person was saying he had cheated for the last year we were married if not longer.

I of course was hurt. This information did clear up a few things I had questioned in the end and made me understand a few things I hadn’t prior to this knowledge. I had heard through the rumor mill he was seeing someone and things were quite serious. The girl he "supposedly" was introduced to after I moved out, he is in love with and they want to get married. Hence, now he wants to hurry the divorce along.

Although last night we sat down with the lawyer and he doesn’t think he owes me anything for the years we were married. Things were heated. I saw a side of him that I hadn’t seen before. He makes almost three times as much as what I do, but I don’t deserve to have anything. He made the comment to me that I am resourceful and capable of finding ways to make money. Strange, but that almost sounded as though he thinks I should solicit myself. At any rate, I’m a bit closer to being divorced.

I’m still doing really well. My job is going well. My social life is full. I have one guy I am seeing quite a bit of but we aren’t serious and committed to each other, although neither of us is dating anyone else. He’s such a sweetheart. He calls me everyday and we see each other a couple of times a week, which for now I can deal with. At some point we will either be more serious or we will go our separate ways, but for now I enjoy his company and he enjoys mine.

Cynthia