My brother and his wife, Amy, had this beautiful little baby girl on October 16^th at 9:40pm. She weighed in at 6 pounds and 13 ounces. She was 18 inches long. They named her Emma Lillian, Lillian for my grandma. She is absolutely precious. She is angelic, beautiful and a sight that you could sit and watch forever and never be bored. She is a complete delight to our family. I am so excited and so happy for them. I definitely one a little one someday.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me -
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

T'was Grace that taught -
my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear -
the hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares -
we have already come.
T'was Grace that brought us safe thus far -
and Grace will lead us home.

The Lord has promised good to me -
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be -
as long as life endures.

When we've been here ten thousand years -
bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise -
then when we've first begun.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me -
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

Tonight I have this feeling that I should be here putting words into sentences. I'm feeling a little sad, yet I'm feeling stronger than I have in a long time. I took about the hottest bath that my skin could tolerate tonight. I just sat back in it, watching the water swirl around me as it slowly filled the tub. I let my self got lost in the ripples of the water swirling around my skin as it warmed it. I kept thinking, praying for strength, serenity and clarity. The water around me kept getting hotter and I just let myself be one with the warmth of the water. Lost in thought, lost in the water, lost in this crazy vast world, even if it were just for a few moments. It was solitude, a time to reflect on the past, a time to let go of the negativity and a time to focus on what lies ahead. The water finally filled the tub to where I could turn on the jacuzzi jets. I let the water gurgle around me, taking in the heat and breathing in the warmth from the steam. I had put lavender bath salts in to relax and soothe my soul. I just breathed in deeply and breathed out. Letting all of my frustrations dissipating with the swirling water. I could feel the pain, the anguish, the confusion and the negativity leave my heart. I let the water console my needs, I let it soothe the wrong in my heart, melting the existance of the heavy and cold negativity, filling it with lightheartenedness once again and I let it carry me to a place of complete relaxation. I focused on me and what I wanted rather than what everyone else wants for me. I focused on my needs, letting that hot, swirling bath water consume all of the bad and replace it with the good. I let go....

October isn't the easiest month. I lost my angel baby 5 years ago, October 19th. It's so hard to believe that I was even pregnant 5 years ago. Sometimes its faded so far back into my memory it feels as though it was a dream and happened to someone else. Tonight I drew strength from my angel baby. I focused on the strength that I had when I miscarried and the difficulty I had after. I focused on the grieving, I remember not the sadness but the strength and personal drive I found from within myself that got me through those horrible days. I remember how strong I was, how determined I was and how I knew I too could get through that horrible ordeal and still be okay perhaps a bit scathed but I endured the pain and became better because of it. I survived it, I had to, I didn't give myself any other choice. It was indeed the toughest thing I have ever gone through, but I did it. I succeeded and became stronger, more compassionate, more appreciative of just how precsious life really is and more loving. I chose not to let it harden me, I chose not to let it chase me into the shadows when I so desperately wanted to hide. I instead chose to be strong, embrace the experience and focus on the journey ahead.

This year the x factor is getting married on the anniversary of the death of our child. I doubt he remembers it and that is okay. It was my body that was pregnant even though we had created this little tiny miracle together. It was me that felt the flutter of little butterflies in my stomach when my baby was growing. It was me that got sick and I was the one that was happy to be sick because I was pregnant and going to be a mother. I was so happy, energetic, euphoric, it was though I was on this drug and everyone else couldn't have it because it was just purposely created for me and me alone. I was so happy those weeks that I had that little miracle growing inside my womb.

I went through so much back then. I was devastated when I miscarried. It was indeed the saddest and most desperate time of my life. Somehow I managed to pull through it. I found strength somewhere, strength from within and I knew I wasn't on the path alone. I knew my guardian angel was there beside me guiding me even though many times I wanted to give up. Back then is when my marriage really started to fall apart. We played the blame game. He blamed me for losing the baby and I dredged up anything from our past to fight back at him to hurt him as he blamed me for losing the baby.

Looking back, both of us were so foolish. We didn't stand a fighting chance for we had lost before the fight had even begun. We both had run out of steam and didn't have it in us to get back on the path of finding true happiness within ourselves nor together. So, here I am almost 5 years later and I am reveling in the past, but in a good way. I am finding the strength that I found then and focusing in on it to get me through. I'm tough, tougher than I have ever given myself credit for and I know I can get through anything, because anything in comparison to that one night back in October,5 years ago doesn't compare to the pain and agony I felt. I know what I deserve and I'm not afraid to grasp onto it and hold it near and dear in my heart forever....