Well, it’s been a long time again, but I have had a lot going on, a lot of changes once again. My boyfriend and I broke up a couple of weeks ago. He moved out Friday night. It was my decision. I feel good about my decision. Sometimes in life the hardest decisions are the right ones and I firmly believe that.

Since Mike and I moved to the town home that I bought things haven’t been good. We have fought a lot, some of the things are really stupid and some of the things are really meaningful things that really hurt when we did argue about them. I had gone to Mike numerous times begging that things needed to change and nothing. Absolutely nothing. One of the big issues was the intimacy and lack of it. Pretty much a non-existent thing, which is something that didn’t work in my marriage so I knew it wouldn’t work now. Every time we would talk about it he would have excuse after excuse as to why he wasn’t interested. The final straw being that I had gained 15 pounds and that was why he didn’t want to be intimate. Good reason huh? Anyway, with that whole discussion I discovered just how shallow he really is and I didn’t like it…not at all.

There were other things too, the fact that I felt like I was the maid. With the town home I pay an association which means no outside work has to be done. Well, do you think someone could help on occasion on the inside? Uh not so much. That got old….real fast. So, he’d help once in awhile but it would be at his convenience. I got tired of hearing day in and day out, “I was going to, or I was getting to do that, or I’ll do it later”. Which the time pretty much never came. Oh well. Now of course since we broke up he has “changed” or so he says. We went through this whole break up last December and got back together in January because he was a “changed” man. Well, he was for awhile. So at this point I don’t believe him that he has changed. People don’t change; they can compromise, but change? That’s a tough one unless you truly believe you should or need to.

When we had gotten back together in January he had said he wanted to get engaged in 3-6 months. That never happened, BUT he was going to propose over the holidays to make it special. Eh, wouldn’t the day you were proposed to be special regardless?!?!? That was my thought anyway, but not his. Again, I’m not sure he really was going to propose; after all I couldn’t seem to get that 15 pounds off that seemed to make him be disgusted by me not to want to be intimate. So, I don’t believe it was going to happen. Now though that he has moved out, to a extend a stay hotel, basically one room with a bed, a refrigerator and a microwave in it, he has seen that he had it really good with me and wants me back. I’m flattered, but I wish he saw it when we were together. The other night after the break up, mind you we have gotten along much better since the break up, he decided to make me dinner. The first dinner he’s ever made me actually. He wanted to be romantic so he got out my candles and made this fabulous chicken fettuccine. It was awesome, the boy can definitely cook, what I don’t get though is why if he loved me SO much how come he only could do it now when we broke up?

The other thing that really irritates me, since we are on the whole topic, is he even admitted to me that he was lazy in the relationship, his reasoning behind it was because he never thought I would kick him out, because I needed him to help with the house payment. The night I told him it was over he said the reason why he never listened when I basically begged for a few changes was that he thought I’d never kick him out because I needed him to help pay the house payment and he figured since he paid that it was enough. I guess he was in for a rude awakening when I told him to get out. He thinks we’ll get back together. I don’t see it happening.

You know, I’m not sad about the whole thing. I’m hurt that someone that claims to have loved me, really didn’t love me enough to want to keep me. I’m a little mad about the whole situation because I would have never bought the place I did if I hadn’t thought we’d be together, although I love my place, I just miss being a few minutes from my family and my friends. I will be okay though. I’m a hell of a lot tougher than I ever thought I was. I’m not really interested in dating at the moment. If the right person came along I would definitely put the time into it, but I’m not really looking. I know that when one door closes many more open. I’m happy with my decision, I actually feel very at peace with myself. I’m enjoying my home, my cat and just being with myself.

My relationship with Mike had good points but the bad ones really wore me out. So, I’m tired, emotionally exhausted and just drained mentally. He took a lot out of me. So for now it’s me being selfish for me. I want to get back to writing, I used to write poetry but I haven’t had an ounce of creativity in me lately…and I know why, but I haven’t been able to write and that’s something that totally helped me grow. It taught me about myself and who I really was and who I really wanted to be. I am hoping that I can get some of that back.

With Love,
Cynthia