Tonight I’m sitting here drinking champagne, reflecting on this past year. It’s probably been the most changes in one year I’ve been through and I’ve sailed through. Sometimes not with quite the same amount of wind in my sails as previous moments and sometimes I’ve even sailed with more wind than one could even have hoped for. What a year. In March I was laid off from a job I had been at for two years. In May my precious Bailey the cat died in my arms. In July I finally found a new job. In August rather than celebrating my 13^th wedding anniversary I moved out. I moved to a different town so I could be closer to work. I went on my first date in September. I started dating someone serious in October and in November I was divorced. December I broke up with the serious boyfriend and found out I had a type of skin cancer. Yup, I’ve had changes.

I’ve learned so much about me though. I’ve learned it’s okay to be vulnerable, it’s okay to love and I’ve learned that some people just aren’t capable of loving on a level that I am. I’ve learned that I can survive anything. I learned my life is piece of cake in respect to others. I’ve learned to appreciate and put real value on everything around me. I’m amazed by the simplest of simplistic things. I saw a beautiful full moon one night as I was driving home. A moon I’ve seen on many nights before. I stopped and just stared at in awe and wondered how I had missed seeing that all of these other years past. I’ve grown up, I’m more grown up than I can imagine. I’ve discovered a new calmness and satisfaction with myself. I’m more comfortable in my own skin than I have ever been.

I’ve owned my mistakes and forgiven myself for my shortcomings. I’ve even forgiven my ex and want the very best in life for him. Something I didn’t think I would be capable of. I’ve discovered an ability I have with my job that I wasn’t aware I had. A belongingness that I’ve craved and never found.

So, this year, I have no New Year resolutions for myself....the only thing I wish for is everyone else’s health and prosperity. That they and you can find just a tiny bit of the something I’ve found and have a new appreciation for life and every last thing you have. Life is short and tomorrow isn’t promised to any of us.....love you, love life and love others.....

Love ya and have a very safe and blessed 2007,

Cynthia

I’m sitting here tonight listening to Christmas music. I’m anxious about the upcoming holidays, I know that I have to face them alone. (Mike and I didn’t work out..another story for another night) I’m okay with facing them alone. Tonight I am reflecting on my life, the places I’ve went, the things I could have done better, the things I shouldn’t have done, my regrets, my dreams and my hopes.

Why you ask am I in this nostalgic mood tonight? Well, in one word I had said to me, my life changed. My thought process is different. I think all of us have been either effected indirectly or directly by this word. I think all of us at some point have known someone close or from a distance that this word affected them. I think it’s probably one of the most ugly words that exists in our English vocabulary. It’s something that in one second every last ounce of breath you had in all of your hopes and dreams can change. In one moment the world looks different because of this word.

That word being cancer. There I said it. Cancer. I hate how it feels rolling off of my tongue. I hate the way it makes me think. I am giving it power where I am the one that has that power, not it.

Let me back up.....

A few weeks ago I went in for a routine physical and at the last second I had my doctor take a look at this mole on my stomach. A small mole. Nothing to really get excited about except I had noticed it started to look different than what it had a few months earlier. My doctor recommended that I go to a specialist to have it looked at. I agreed. So ten days ago my mom and I went to the specialist a dermatologist that specializes in oncology. Which I didn’t realize that the latter word was attached to what she did. At this point I hadn’t thought too much about it. So, she looked at it and a split second later I was laying down and they were injecting me with something that made my tummy numb and a few seconds later I had my first set of stitches.

Now those that know me well, know I don’t like doctors. I have a fear of needles, stitches and being cut open. Somehow I managed to get through it all with flying colors.

Back to now......

Long story short, my little mole that I had nonchalantly thought of is gone, but now my mind is filled with the thoughts that my little mole after being subjected to testing has come back as atypical cells, which means I have to go in and have more removed because those atypical cells are those that are familiar to cancer. That word this morning took the wind out of my sails. Of course I have every right to be upset, but I’m keeping it together...barely at times, but I am keeping it together.

With all that it brings me to my point....yeah I had a point...somewhere....

My family....where to begin....my mom, when I told her over the phone I could tell she was having a hard time because her baby girl has cells that could be cancer causing. My dad, he’s never emotional is having a tough time because his little Cyndo is hurting and there’s not one thing he can do but comfort me and dry my tears and hope that his words will somehow give me comfort. My brother, the jokester, my hero, tells me if I have to chemo if they can’t get all the cells with the surgery I have to have at least we will look more like brother and sister because we will both be bald. I did laugh and still do thinking about it. My grandma, is in shock, praying and scared for me and my other grandparents are saying the prayers that I will heal and be okay. Even my ex husband has gotten into the whole spectrum of things, he started to get choked up on the phone. I heard a piece of him that I haven’t seen in years.......

It seizes to amaze me how one word can change a persons life. In a couple of weeks I have to go in and have a minor surgery. An area approximately 2" x 2" and 1/4 to ½ inch deep will be taken out of my stomach in hopes to remove all of these atypical cells. Then if that comes back typical cells I’m fine and if not.....well, we’ll cross that bridge when that happens. I am thinking about asking if I can get a two for one special and seeing if they can do lypo because I do have a spot there that could use some extra attention.... lol

So for now, I leave with these few words, love life fully, love everyone around you like there is no tomorrow, don’t sweat the big stuff, love the very earth that God created for us to exist on...look at the snowy covered grounds and thank God you have the sight to see it, look to the stars and thank God that the twinkling lights shed light even though it is dark.....never lose your faith in God because if you have God on your side, ANYTHING is possible.

Enjoy the holidays.....enjoy your family, enjoy your Christmas traditions, enjoy the love you feel when you are embraced warmly by your family members and count your blessings......because we are all blessed.....

Love,

Cynthia

Life has been so hectic lately. My brother got married this past weekend and what a beautiful day that was. One of my very best friends did the honor of singing for them at the wedding. It was absolutely amazing. The weekend was busy so it was almost as though I never got a weekend. I’m officially divorced. It feels good, sad, wonderful, scary and many other emotions that randomly decide to exist within me.

When I reflect back to where I was and to where I am, I am proud of who I am. I am content with who I am becoming without him. It’s a scary road knowing you are the only one that you can depend. True I have family to lean on but when it comes right down to it, its me looking out for me. Which is okay, I chose the path that I am on. At times I miss the old "x". The guy that laughed and knew how to have fun. The guy that smiled and lit up a room when I walked in. The guy that looked at me with admiration when we caught each other’s gaze. I often wonder what happened to that guy and how he is able to be that person that I loved so dearly to someone else so soon after there was no us. I have only one regret and that would have been to try some type of counseling a few years ago to maybe try to fix things rather than only putting band-aids on things that needed much more attention. There is still a small part of me that has feelings for the "x". Not feelings of love, but feelings of care and wishes that he is happy.....truly happy from within, which is something I am not sure that he is capable of understanding.

I have fears. Fears of how on earth I am going to survive in this big vast crazy world. How will it be when I have my very own home mortgage, it’s scary knowing I can pick out my place that I will call home all on my own. I won’t have the control of someone telling me how it has to be decorated. I get to decide. I’m excited for that moment to come. The moment when I won’t be in a small apartment and I’ll have a place that definitely is home to me.

I’m amazed at how well I am doing. I did have one break down. I cried. It was the week prior to when my divorce was going to be final. I finally realized a life of us and we that he and I had built together was over. A life that no longer was going to exist. It was a sad moment for me. Hard. I sobbed. My mom consoled me. Thank God for Mom’s. My family lifted my spirits, made me feel better and after getting myself to a point where I was once again in control I knew I’d be just fine. A bit worn, a bit tougher, but definitely fine.

You see, God, is right here next to me. Guiding me, loving me, he is showing me a side I had forgotten about, a side that I needed to see. I know that anything is possible with Him existing within my heart. He is the one thing that is always going to be constant no matter when or what you are doing. I’m His child and He will always see me through to where I need to be. I trust Him to see me through it.

God Bless!

Love,

Cynthia