I’m on a couple of dating sites and I actually have not had much luck on them. I’ve spent the money each month thinking perhaps I’d meet someone really sweet and nice, but to no avail. I get the typical married but looking that are interested, of course there are a few that only God knows where they are really from and the only thing they are interested in is your money, then there are those that are either resemble my grandpa or are my grandpa’s age. I’ve had a few that have responded to my ad and I’ll look at their profile and wonder what possessed them to not use spell check and what were they thinking when they put that picture up. Some look angry or look like that ex convict that I certainly don’t want to date and at first glance their pictures pretty much scare me away. I’ve also had the guys that have responded that when I read their profile I’m almost asleep if I make it to the end, yes I really do read them. I’m looking for someone that can write something that catches my eye, whether it be a witty remark, something more philosophical, even an intellectual comment, sometimes they have read something I have or they are interested in something I am passionate about and those are the things that spark my attention. The smokers, the ones with several children, separated, partiers, don’t have jobs and/or the ones that seem like they are looking for Barbie I just pass by.

I often wonder what a guy is attracted to and what makes them pause and read my profile. Then again I think some really don’t read it because I clearly state I don’t want to kiss an ashtray and that to me is pretty obvious that smokers should just click on by. I think my profiles are well written and well thought out. Sometimes I wonder if they come across as intimidating or maybe not real because I am being so honest. So then I wonder is it better to not be quite yourself rather than being yourself entirely. I know what I want and I definitely know what will work, what won’t and I also know what I would give a chance to because it just might work. So I wonder what does a nice guy look at when they read a girls profile. Are they thinking something close to what I am or are they thinking something completely different than I am?

I often get asked why I am single still and trust me I wonder that myself. I don’t want to be single forever but I haven’t met anyone that just clicks with me. Even my ex boyfriend and I we didn’t totally click even though now we get along better than when we were together. Perhaps then I didn’t understand what I really wanted and needed and now I have a very clear picture of what I want. I know I want someone that has values, believes in God, doesn’t drink a ton, doesn’t smoke at all, doesn’t do drugs and someone that doesn’t have kids…I’d consider a guy that has one and only if there is no mama drama included in the deal. If a guy admits to cheating that’s a red flag, if the guy doesn’t really want to make the time for a relationship or I feel it’s more of when it’s convenient for him, I’m not interested. So yes I am picky, but is that such a bad thing? Trust me I have gone out with guys that I felt wouldn’t work but I went out with anyway and I was right they either bored me to death or just had a few too many hang ups for me.

I don’t have a specific type that I am attracted to, I like guys that look good being bald, to be honest I really dig bald guys, I like light to dark hair guys. I’m not big into big 80’s hair. I definitely like more clean cut guys, scruffy makes me think they are lazy, I like someone that has nice eyes and a smile that says hello I’m with you. (trust me when you see that smile you will think you have found home!) I like a guy that can wear jeans but realizes white socks are for tennis shoes. A nice smelling guy is definitely one that stands out to me. I like a guy that has his own style but it makes sense. Someone that has nice hands another turn on (oops did I just admit that?!?). The guy would have to understand chivalry is not dead and if used it will impress this girl. A guy that has a nice voice that can melt you into a sweet pile of nothing, a guy that when you are together the whole world just dissipates into the background. A good kisser is definitely a plus. He doesn’t have to be in perfect shape but I will admit a guy that is overweight and really pudgy isn’t a turn on for me. I like nerdy guys but not so nerdy that they have to make you look not so smart. I’m not into bad boys and I do believe that nice guys can finish first if they find the right girl, which could be me. If a guy takes me to McDonalds (yes this happened to me on a second date!) you probably won’t get another date with me. I’m not into caviar but going to a nice restaurant once in awhile definitely is something that a guy should do for their girl. They should want to take her out on some amazing dates and try winning her heart. I don’t have to go to Paris to have my heart won, a romantic picnic dinner to a secluded area will start to win my heart….it’s pretty simple or at least I think it is.

I think one of the hardest things for me to do is ask for help. I’ve always had a hard time asking for help and I still do. Since I am a home owner and live by myself I figure I can do it by myself. I can change a light bulb even though I am only 5’3 and even on a chair or ladder some of them on my higher ceilings are harder to reach but I can still do it. I figured out how to change my furnace filter and did just fine. My shower head wasn’t working so well so I took it apart and found that when they installed it a piece of plastic was left inside of the head. I bumped one of my door knobs and it fell off, apparently brand new does not always mean let’s put it together right the first time, so I fixed it. I even figured out how to use a power tool. It kind of freaks me out still but I feel oh so powerful using it and I managed to put up a bunch of hooks in my garage too. So I have learned that even though I am by myself I can figure it out on my own.

I knew I was needing softener salt and those bags are really heavy and then to lift it up into the softener that is a bit difficult for me, so my dad went to the store with me this past weekend and loaded the bags into my SUV and gave me strict orders to leave them until they came and picked me up for my doctor’s appointment which I actually did leave them there for him to help me with. My dad has become such a trooper since my divorce. My ex and him were really close and they still talk once in awhile but my dad has become my hero with so many things.

So now I have these crazy irritating stitches in two places on my back. I can’t reach either place at all. Actually, I take it back I attempted to change my bandages on Wednesday and one of the ladies I work with changed it for me before I went home and when did change it she figured out I accidentally stuck the band aid on one of the stitches. I thought my friend was going to pass out. I just told her to pull quick and I wouldn’t feel a thing. A little white lie but I didn’t want to make her feel bad either. It hurt like hell, but I just bit my lip and got right through it. I did decide that I definitely needed help to change my bandages though since me looking in the mirror and stretching my arms as far as my body would allow them to go was not working.

Today I had to find someone else to change them before I went home and I just don’t know why it is so hard for me to ask for help. I hated feeling like someone had to take care of me, yet I crave finding a man that would want to take care of me once in awhile. So, it kind of makes me question myself at times. I know there are things I like about being single versus being part of a couple yet I’ve gotten a lot more independent, is that bad or is it a good thing? Although, I’ve always had a hard time asking for help, or when I was married and in my last serious relationship when I asked it didn’t get done, so I just decided it was easier to do it myself than ask since it was obviously a huge ordeal for them to even remember.

Anyway, its something I am thinking on and I am getting used to the idea (sort of) to ask for help. I still am not sure I like the idea of it, because I feel needy and helpless that I can’t do it on my own. Even with my bandages my head knows I can barely reach with my finger tips and for health reasons it needs to be taken care of well…so it should be easy to ask for help, yet I hate bothering people with my problems, but I know when I have asked everyone except one person has been willing to help. The one that said no gets queasy at the sight of blood.

I love dancing and I miss having a partner to go dancing with. Whether it be holding someone close and feeling as though you are completely one and lost in the moment of just being out there with some crazy love song playing or if it’s dancing to something with a bit more pep and even the dances that you have to know some of the steps to make it look good, I miss them all. I took ballroom dance lessons last year and it was amazing, although my partner didn’t get it that he needed to lead and he had a hard time improvising when his feet just didn’t remember the right step. We’d switch partners and I’d get with someone that was amazing and I couldn’t believe how my feet just did what they were supposed to do and they just glided across the dance floor. My ex husband and I were amazing at swing dancing, we would always be the first ones to be dancing at wedding dances. I loved it, all eyes were on us and envious because we were that good.

I remember the days when I’d go with some of my girlfriends to one of the local redneck dives and we’d always be the first ones out there dancing. I was completely sober and I was good. I loved it. Now my friends have changed and I really don’t hang out at bars anymore. So, I dance by myself in my house at times. Seriously! My cat probably thinks I am nuts and I would imagine if any of my neighbors happen to glance in they would think the same thing. So here I am craving to go dancing and it is driving me nuts! In my experience I have found most guys don’t like to dance, so to add to my on going wish list of things I want in a guy would definitely have to be he can dance, be sober and actually want to dance even if it is just cuz it makes his girl happy for a little bit!

I seriously think that I am feeling anxious because I know spring is right around the corner. I still have hopes of meeting that dance partner that has as much fun dancing being sober and doesn’t mind getting out there twirling around and around. I remember I went to a KC concert and I had an aisle seat, actually I didn’t but my ex who is over 6 ft tall gave up his seat so I could have the aisle just so I could dance. He always said he got a kick out of watching me at concerts because I just didn’t care. Sometimes I’d get the crazy notion that others were staring at me but they weren’t the ones out dancing so I am guessing they were jealous because they couldn’t be like me and have the great time like I was having.

I love my oncology doctor. I know that probably sounds really weird, but it is the truth. Today I had two biopsies done on my back. Which I have yet to figure out how to change the band aids twice a day…I need longer arms!

Anyway, after much discussion about the skin discoloration that is in question on my face we opted to leave it. It hasn’t grown, it hasn’t changed and it feels the same. So for now it gets left. She also gave me a very good piece of advice, quit reading all sorts of stuff on the internet about skin cancer, because it will drive me crazy. She said if she thought this one needed to come out she would not even give me a choice. She also said skin cancer found in the early stages, which mine has been found early on, is the easiest to treat. It’s when people have moles or skin discolorations and never have them checked out then those become problematic because the cells spread and never get under control.

So, they took out two on my back, not because they looked suspicious but because the one bothers me when I accidentally scratch it and the other one because it was a darker one. I have a good feeling that both of these will come back just fine. I hadn’t felt that way with the other ones. So, hopefully my instinct is right. I’ll know in a few days and in 10-14 days I can get the stitches out. Other than just a little discomfort, I am doing good, I’m feeling better too on the flu front! Back to work tomorrow! J

One of the last arguments my ex husband and I had was about this fish house he wanted to buy with a few friends. It wasn’t “just” a fish house this was on some lake way up North and several hours away, it was only going to cost him $500 to start with. The house would be pulled off by people and stored up there during the summer months which there would be a monthly rental fee. During the winter you could take a weekend and go up there or during the week whichever would work better. The whole problem with this was that I had been laid off and I didn’t have even one job prospect in sight. Nothing. I didn’t want to take money from our savings to pay for this and somehow I knew it would end up costing more than just $500, it always did. He always had something he wanted and would promise if I get this one last thing I will be so happy and I will never ask for anything again. It happened with this old beat up 1970 blazer he wanted that he would fix up, which my parents loaned him the money to buy. Then that he couldn’t keep running so he gave up, selling it for a loss and the next thing was a fishing boat. That wasn’t actually that expensive and we used it a couple of times but the last time was when I caught more sunnies then him and his line got all messed up, that was the end of the boat. Then there was the biggy, this was a 1955 Chevy that I gave into after all we had spent a ton of money on infertility treatment and he should have this one thing and he would be the happiest he had ever been so what that it would cost $10,000 and a trip to Indiana. (yes you should be reading my sarcasm in this!) So, we went to Indiana, he promised me that this was just a car. I had asked him before we went to get it if it were a drag car and nope it wasn’t it, he swore that it wasn‘t a drag car. Well, we finally found the place where his new prize was at…it was a drag car, apparently the roll cage inside and the front wheels weren’t going to be a dead give away to me. You see in his eyes I wasn’t very intelligent, he could lie to me and I believed him. The sad truth is that I knew he was lying but it was better than the truth. It was better to know that he was lying than it was to know what he was really doing. (yes you are allowed to read between the lines here) So we brought this car home and I knew that who I was sitting next to on that long ride home was someone that lied right to my face because he thought I wasn’t smart enough to catch on. Sad but true. There were so many other things that he said if I have this I’ll be this. I knew that “things” would never fill the void that he was feeling but I was willing to help him try since he couldn’t just be happy with me and the life I was trying to create with him.

Finally this last blow out was a bad one. Really bad. We screamed, we yelled, we swore, we said things that we never should have. He called me some pretty unforgettable things and some of those things sealed our fate. I couldn’t deal with being with a man like that anymore. The one that could have so much rage and hate in his eyes. I can see those eyes like it was yesterday, staring at me with all of the hate in the world aimed right at me…his wife. I remember all too well those bitter words that came out of his mouth that day, words that no women should ever have to hear from anyone. I remember him telling me what he wanted to do to me but he didn’t want to lose his job over me. Lucky me he knew he’d lose his job and prestige in the Law Enforcement community if what happened that day ever left my lips. It was bad. Thinking about it still gives me the chills and scares me. I don’t know where I got my strength that day, but I got it and I became determined that when the time was right I would have to leave everything that I was comfortable with and move on. This was not what I deserved and it certainly was not how I intended to spend the rest of my years. So a couple months later I moved out and moved on.

So as Tuesday looms a little bit closer I am getting a bit more panicked. Tuesday is the big day for my skin check up where I know I will be for sure having two moles removed from my back and possibly the one that is on my face. The mole on my face isn’t one of these that you can feel, its actually kind of shaped like a star. Yes, I’ve studied it, in fact I have it memorized, each little part of it that juts out just a bit and then I realize it’s really small yet it seems so huge. If I get it removed I’ll have a scar, if I don’t get it removed it could grow larger and possibly grow into being cancer and it quite possible could be cancer right now as I type. I’m scared to death to have it removed. It’s my face that will look like a piece of Swiss cheese. I don’t want to have a pink and shiny scar, but I don’t want cancer either.

I hate that word. I despise what it has done to so many others and I hate what it does to me. I lie awake at night and when I finally fall asleep I have these crazy dreams. The crazy dreams taunt me at night just like when I was a child and was teased by that one bully. My confidence back then was non-existent. My confidence exists now, but I’m afraid that the confidence I have found could quite possibly be gone in one second because of this crazy star shaped skin discoloration on my face. I still am undecided of what to do. One person says take it out, but then I ask them would you if it were their face…they hesitate with an answer which tells me very clearly what their response would be. They aren’t walking in my shoes, they don’t know what it is like to be that girl, that girl that’s me. The girl that’s worked so hard to get her life back to where she is happy. I’m so afraid that if I have that star removed that I won’t be emotionally ready to deal with the consequences. Yes, I’m scared and anxious. I have run at least a thousand scenarios through my head as to what it will be like without that star upon my face….I sometimes wonder if I’ll ever be able to look at myself again, will I feel like I did when I was a teenager growing up and everything seemed awkward and strange. I was teased back then for some of the stupidest things and those moments all come rushing back to my mind when I start thinking about having my star cut out of my face.

My brother told me tonight just do it and you’ll feel better. Will I though? Will I really feel better now that I have this inch scar on my face, will I ever want to let anyone look at me again, will I ever want to look at myself in the mirror and see the sadness in my eyes all because of one little, tiny, minute scar that changed my life that day back in February. Yes, it scares me, will I ever be the same? Probably not because I’m different from yesterday and I’m different from a week ago and even a month ago. I’m definitely different from a year ago and very much different from five years ago. How do I know that I will really be okay after this…but then again how would I know if I wouldn’t be okay.

So, I feel the last few days I have been in this mode to get me mentally healthy and emotionally healthy again. Things this weekend with the guy didn’t go as planned and we opted to be friends rather than anything else. End of story.

I have felt really alone the last few days, not because things didn’t work out but because I miss having that special guy in my life. I miss being married, I miss the intimacy and so much more. I just want to be sure and be with the right person. My really good friend called me late last night wondering how I was doing and she woke me up but as usual she knew that I had been sad. I have been the last couple of days. Not because of the guy but perhaps of other things too. My ex boyfriend called me Sunday, yes we are still friends actually. Sometimes we have a love hate relationship and other times it’s a really good friendship. He knows me and understands me. He can look into my eyes and he totally knows what is going on in my head. He knows when I shut that part of me off to him that it bothers him when my eyes get all dark and I won’t let him in. In the present right now, he isn’t always allowed to see those emotions that stir within me at times because he just a friend….

Anyway, he called me on Sunday and asked me if I wanted to go furniture shopping with him. I did. Actually I’m not sure what possessed me to say yes but I did. He came out and got me and we went furniture shopping and I actually had a really good time. It was nice to be with someone that I’m really totally comfortable with and who really knows me. He took me out for lunch and we then headed off to Costco where we used to always go together. He paid to renew his membership and even kept me on it. So that was really nice. We talked about what happened to us and he even said he wishes he could go back in time and change how he treated me when we were together. He said that you really don’t realize what you have until you don’t have it anymore. He told me he thought I was the most special and nicest girl and he has regrets…lots of them.

The fact of the matter is that yes he has regrets but the biggest factor of why we didn’t work before is that I want a child, he does not. How can you make that work? You can’t. You cannot think that this person might change their mind, you have to live in the real world and know that you can’t change anyone…they are the only one that can change themselves. Anyway, it was nice being with him and he said I seem different, more content with life and happier. He also sees that I have been working out and that I have really lost weight and am healthier physically more than ever. I still have quite a ways to go, but I’m very proud of myself and the already 22 pounds I have lost. It made me feel good that he noticed that my stomach is flatter and that I have lost some of “the girls”.

He told me on Sunday if the only way he could have me in his life was by being a good friend to me that is something he wanted. So, we are friends. I joked around that since I helped him pick out a bedroom set he needs to set me up with one of his friends. They are all in AA and gorgeous. I rarely drink so that definitely appeals to me. He asked me which one….I’m not sure that I will take him up on the offer right now I want to refocus on me because yes I hurt. I’m not hurting because something didn’t work out, I’m hurting more because I am tired of putting myself out there and letting myself feel anything for anyone. I’d like to just turn into a frigid and none caring person. One that just doesn’t give a damn. True that won’t happen because that isn’t me but it is wishful thinking…for tonight anyway.

This weekend here in the great state of Minnesota it has been cold, windy and snowy. A perfect weekend to just stay in and relax. I’ve lived in my jammies the whole weekend, I didn’t use any make up and I didn’t do my hair, so definitely a lazy weekend for me. I’ve done a lot of reading, some writing, cleaning, meditating, and soul searching. I realized something today. I’m a little scared. It’s something I have thought about often and I really try not to think about it but sometimes when I have too much spare and empty time I find my mind wandering to it.

You see, awhile ago my life was changed. In November 2006, my life was changed as was my thought process. I had gone in for my yearly physical and on a whim I had her take a look at a mole I had on my stomach. She said I should go to a specialist to have it looked at. So, I made the appointment and when I walked into the building I noticed it was for oncology and dermatology. Skin Cancer. Those two words scare the absolute hell out of me now. Anyway, I went in for my doctor to check my mole out. Immediately she wanted it removed. I was freaked out because I have never had any type of stitches or anyone cut into me on purpose.

Two weeks later I got the results back…I had to go back for a larger section taken out on my stomach where the original one was taken out. I was scared, yet when I had the first one out, I knew I would have to go back, just intuition. I decided to wait to have it taken out after my brother’s wedding since it was at the beginning of December. So, my parents took me up there. Yes both my parents. Now you have to realize my dad hates anything to do with doctors or hospitals, but he knew that he wanted to be there. (he is laid off from his job in the winter so it makes it possible) I went in for my second time and the doctor explained I am lucky because a couple more months and it would have been much worse. I had what was called a basal cell. I was scared, really scared. So I had a 6 inch by 6 inch and 6 inch deep circle taken out of my stomach. I had 15 stitches afterwards to sew me up. I was in pain. If I bump it just right I still have pain because it heals one centimeter over a year, not a lot.

My life because of this has forever changed. I go in every six months and have a full skin check, because once you have one you are more apt to have more. For the rest of my life I will be going to my oncology dermatologist specialist. I had two more removed last summer. One on my arm and one on my side. Each took 7 stitches to sew up. The one on my arm came back as a basal cell, but fortunately she took enough of it that I didn’t have to go and have a second surgery. The scary part, the part that troubles me, is that I have a mole on my face that looks a lot like the one I had on my arm, the one that came back as a basal cell. I have debated about having it removed and the thought of having my face cut into scares me. I love my face, I love everything about it, but that mole could change it and it would scar it for the rest of my life. I keep telling myself it would be my trophy that I don’t have skin cancer…but seriously, people look at others differently because of imperfections. I usually don’t care what people think, but I wonder if anyone would be able to see past that scare and see my true beauty. True, I wouldn’t want to be with someone that would just look at that and then just walk away without getting to know what is inside of me. It just scares me.

I go back February 26^th. I will be having two moles removed on my back. I again will have to decide if I am ready to have the one on my face removed. My doctor has taken measurements of it and was comfortable last time leaving it alone, but now this time I’m not so sure that I am comfortable leaving it. I just worry that the pink shiny scar that it will leave behind will haunt me forever and I will not be able to let someone just look at me for what I am. My face is just something I have a hard time thinking about messing with. Yet I certainly don’t want to have to deal with the consequences of skin cancer either. So, I am not sure what to do. I get teary eyed thinking of having my face cut into. I see what the scars look like that have been left behind on my body already and I am okay with them because they are my trophies of not having cancer, but having one on my face really, really frightens me. What if the guy I am supposed to be with can’t love me enough and see past that scar? What if he doesn’t see it as a my trophy of living amongst those that are alive? What if he doesn’t understand that I can’t be in the sun like other people because I am deathly afraid of what harm the sun does to me…what if he can’t see the true beauty inside of me?

We live in such a world that outer beauty is so much more important than inner and I am so afraid because of this I will suffer. Yet I don’t want to have cancer growing inside of me either. It’s a tough choice and as the days get closer to the 26^th I get more indecisive as to what to do. I get more scared about it. I don’t get scared about much but this really scares the hell out of me….what if I don’t make the right choice at the right time? I keep praying about it, but I keep coming up empty, usually I can feel in my heart what to do and on this I haven’t gotten an answer yet. I just am so unsure as to what to do. My ex boyfriend told me that I could always have cosmetic surgery to fix my face, which I could but what if every guy I ever meet feels that same way? What if they can’t understand that I view it as a badge of honor because I am the lucky one that doesn’t have cancer? Are all people so shallow to suggest that you should have cosmetic surgery to fix a little scar that happens to bear a door to how you have survived and are living?

I know I will consult with my doctor and if she advises for me to have it removed I will. I have to. I have no choice. If she says it’s up to me, then it’s like playing roulette only it’s with my face. I’m young and vibrant but I am so afraid of what that one scar could do to me….

***Many years ago I did go to a tanning bed. I would go every spring and for weddings. I believe this has played a part in what I am going through now. I still go out in the sun but with a very high SPF sun block on. I am definitely more careful about how much sun I am in now.***

Info on basal cell carcinoma (BCC):

Basal cell carcinoma (BCC) is the most common form of cancer, with about a million new cases estimated in the U.S. each year. Basal cells line the deepest layer of the epidermis. Basal cell carcinomas are malignant growths--tumors--that arise in this layer.

Basal cell carcinoma can usually be diagnosed with a simple biopsy and is fairly easy to treat when detected early.  However, 5 to 10 percent of BCCs can be resistant to treatment or locally aggressive, damaging the skin around them, and sometimes invading bone and cartilage. When not treated quickly, they can be difficult to eliminate. Fortunately, however, this is a cancer that has an extremely low rate of metastasis, and although it can result in scars and disfigurement, it is not usually life threatening.

Cause

The sun is responsible for over 90 percent of all skin cancers, including BCCs, which occur most frequently on the sun-exposed areas of the body: face, ears, neck, scalp, shoulders and back. 

Am I At Risk?

Anyone with a history of frequent or intermittently intense sun exposure can develop BCC, but a number of factors increase risk:

• Time Spent Outdoors

  People who work outdoors — construction workers, groundskeepers, lifeguards, etc. – are at greater risk than people who work indoors, as are those who spend their leisure hours in the sun.

• Skin Type

  Fair-skinned individuals who sunburn easily and tan minimally or not at all have a higher incidence of skin cancer than dark-skinned individuals.  Check our skin type chart to see how at risk you are.

• Hours of sunlight

  The more hours of sunlight in the day, the greater the incidence of skin cancer.  For example, there are more cases in Arizona, Texas and Florida – states that are closer to the equator and get more sun – than in the more northern states of Maine, Oregon and Washington. 

I’m doing better, actually I am doing great. My boy, yes you read right my boy, “Sam” and I talked. We talked about what happened and somehow we are closer than we were before. I’m not afraid and he is not afraid. We believe that God brought us together for some great purpose. If it’s meant to be for an eternity that is what it will be. The beauty of “Sam” and I is that we have connected with our hearts. We have a very special relationship whether if it’s meant to be as a friendship that’s what it will be…if it’s meant to be more it will be…

Yes, I love “Sam” very much as my friend…I believe in my heart there is more than just a friendship but time will tell. If later down the road we decide we are to be just friends, that is what we will be. I have a best friend and the memories we make are ours to keep for an eternity, no one can take that away from us. Even if we are just friends, “Sam” will always be special to me. He’s made me realize so much about me and he’s made me see how beautiful I truly am on the outside and on the inside. I feel so blessed to have him in my life. It’s this completely exquisite experience, one that there are no words to describe what we have. I am so at peace when I talk to him. I feel like I have found home. I can’t describe what I feel. It’s a rare feeling and I know that in all my years I have not felt this way before.

I do know I want to go slow, I want to savor every moment….I want to tuck every little moment away and keep it forever. I want things to be special because he and I are both extremely special people. I can guarantee that this does not come along every day. It’s a once in lifetime experience and whether it is meant to be a reason, a season or a lifetime I am prepared for whatever it is. When I talk to “Sam” his laugh calms me, his smile that I hear in his voice puts me at ease, I can feel his presence in my life even when he’s not here. I could feel his torment when he decided what was best for us without talking about it with me. I felt his sincerity behind his apologetic voice and words, when we talked about what happened. The only thing I wanted to do was pull him close and tell him everything would work out just as what God had wanted for each of us. God has us both in the palm of His hands and he will carry us through whatever it is that we are meant to be to each other.

I know so many people have these ideas on what love should be about, they have these views and biases as to who and whom you should give that love to, but then they don’t know me nor do they know “Sam”. They don’t understand because they have not been privy to our intimate conversations. They aren’t there when we talk for hours almost every night. They aren’t there when there is no awkwardness. They aren’t there when there is silence and it feels so peaceful and so right. So, I get bothered by those that choose to put stipulations on what should be right and what isn’t right. It bothers me when people think things should be this or that way. Sometimes I think that if people believed and felt the way I do that maybe they would understand what true happiness from within is. They would understand the beauty to letting your guard down and having visions of what could be and how that it opens new doors to unexpected gifts to be treasured forever. If you continually think what can’t be, then you could possibly be missing out on one of the greatest and most beautiful dances you possibly could dance.

True by being vulnerable and letting your very raw feelings be known it can lead to heartache…but then again it could lead to something more greater than you have experienced and something that you as a human are entitled to take and not think of it as an entity but as an everyday reality. My existence is something I am so proud of and grateful for. I am what I am and that is what makes me so beautiful because I can be this way. If I get hurt, I will be okay, I will be better for this experience. I have been through so much and I am so much better for it. I lost a child, I was mentally abused by a man that I thought I would spend my life with and yet I am better for all of it. I am healthy mentally, spiritually and soulfully. I am ready for whatever it is that He has in store for me.

It’s an amazing journey to be on when you have this deep faith in Jesus Christ and that you know you are exactly where you are meant to be. Yes, I was devastated the other night yet in my heart I truly felt that this was just a moment and it too would pass. I wasn’t able to hand it over 100% to God and let Him work His greatness. I wasn’t just able to Let Go and Let God. He is amazing, He is incredible, He is the one that will light our paths when we are lost. He will shelter us when we feel so cold. He will comfort us when we feel pain and feel all alone. He is just that great. It is an amazing and an incredible feeling to have him fill your heart with sanctity and peace. I know I need to put my trust in His greatness, I know I am almost there, with a bit more perseverance I will be there. I am determined to be closer to Christ and let Him hold me and guide me. I give that over to him, not just 95% but 100% all of the time, not just most of the time.

I am at peace with whatever my future holds. I know that whatever will be, will be but I know it is all part of God’s great plan that He has for each and everyone of us. Sometimes what we pray so desperately for might not happen, yet sometimes it will and other times it will happen but it won’t be quite in the package we have been anticipating or expecting. It might be a bit different, but it is what God wants and we as humans need to put that trust in Him, because if we can do that we truly embrace what is part of His great plan for all of us...this I do know for sure. We need to give that over to Him and let Him be the one to guide us to exactly where we need to be. God is good and we must never falter from that….

January 2007-

At this time in my life things were kind of sticky. I was getting back together with a guy that I shouldn’t have been with in the first place. I was newly divorced and to be honest I should have taken more time to just learn about me. At work we had just had a new company that would be calling us. I work in a customer service call center. Anyway, looking back I’ll never forget this memo that we had gotten from our Office Manager…the new “xyz” company is our new best friends. I think she meant it figuratively not literally. Anyway, you will see why I say that.

Present-

I met “Sam” in a really unconventional way. On the phone. He actually talked to me one day back in January at work. He was from our new best friend company. I found out recently that when he called in he didn’t really like my voice and felt sorry for my husband because I had such a northern accent. I laughed hysterically when he told me this because I have been told the opposite that I have a beautiful voice. Long story short, “Sam” called in and called in but you see there is almost 40 of us so what are the chances that he will continually get me.

Well, he called in one day and I think for awhile I had talked to him every now and then. I was having a crappy day. Things were crap with my ex boyfriend, I had just bought a town home and the ex boyfriend was supposed to help pay for the darn thing. Needless to say, I couldn’t deal with the ex and my bad day happened to become a moment in “Sam’s” life. He happened to ask me how I was and I told him just how I was. Miserably attached to a big turd! I broke up with the “turd” and tried to pull myself together. “Sam” would call and would just so happen to get me and I found myself laughing when I really hadn’t laughed in a really long time. I had laughed but not a real good laugh.

Then “Sam” mentioned hismom was coming to visit him for Thanksgiving and he wondered what he should do. I suggested he make her a meal. I even told him to send me his home email address and I would send him some recipes. So, he did and I sent him recipes. Oddly enough I decided to add my phone number. Not sure why, but I figured if he had any problems he would call and I thought he’d be like most guys and not call, so what was the difference and if he was creepy I could block his calls. His mom went home and for some other odd reason I emailed him and told him if he needed to talk to give me a call. He called, we talked for over 4 hours. The conversation was amazing. We talked about things I had never imagined I could talk about with just anyone. Later after a few conversations I found out how old he was.

Somewhere between there and here we exchanged pictures. I thought he was very attractive of course I had many other thoughts but I limited to them to my mind only. Anyway, at Christmas we talked about meeting. Around this time he admitted he had a crush on me and I told him I liked him too but there could never be anything between us. So, it didn’t work out for him to visit, I had feelings for him and I didn’t feel I could justify that I should like him. I distanced myself from him. I thought about him a lot. He’d email and I’d be sad because I wanted so badly to talk to him yet I just didn’t feel I could.

A couple of weeks ago I was out on a date and the only thing I could think of was that I wanted to talk to “Sam”. (actually most dates that I have been on he’s nearer in my thoughts than the person I am on the date with) He understands me so well and I enjoy talking to him. He had emailed me that night and told me if I needed to talk I should call him if it wasn’t after 11pm. It was after 11pm but the only thing I wanted was to talk to him. I called. We talked and it was incredible. He calmed my fears and he doesn’t even realize it. I miss him so much yet I’ve never physically have met him…is that possible? How can you miss something that you have never touched or felt? Yet somehow I feel like we have met, it’s weird and I cannot describe it entirely. I just know I deserve to be happy and if this man that is more of a man than some that I know who are in their late 30’s, can make me happy, so be it.

I know there is a definite reason why “Sam” is in my life. I just haven’t totally figured it out yet. I feel something for him, I really do. I don’t think of him as being a 23 year old; I think of him as a man. A man that I could easily get comfortable in his arms. A man that his strength makes me feel safe and loved. I know that this man gives me strength from his infinite wisdom. I know that I have never laughed so much when we talk on the phone. I know that what I feel, feels more right than anything I have felt in a really long time. I know this man thinks nothing less of me for knowing my secrets that I have kept with me, those secrets that have been my burden, the secrets I shared with him because I wanted him to know. He thinks no less of me for those secrets.

I know I have dreamt about what it would be like to touch him. I know I have dreamt about what it would be like to feel his heart beat. I have dreamt about what it will be like to let my lips feel his. I know I have dreamt about what it will be like to hold his hand. I know that I think of those things. I also know that he thinks of those things too. I know that my day is complete when I have said good night to him on the phone, yet every conversation leaves me craving more. It leaves me craving to see him smile, to see him animated when he talks about Jesus Christ. I want to see him laugh, smile and giggle. I just want to see him and be able to laugh with him and be with him.

He asked me if he could come up the weekend after Valentine’s Day because he knows I really am not a big fan of the day. It’s the first one I’ve been single and actually I am okay with it. At first I was apprehensive about Sam and I meeting face to face, but after talking about it with my parents, my brother and some of my friends, I know in my heart we need to meet. We need to answer the questions that are between us and see where we want it to go. I’m not leaving out the option of there being a relationship. What is important is he makes me happy and that he will treats me well. That’s what really is important, it really isn’t about age. I’ve met guys that are older than me and less mature than what Sam is. So really age is just a number, it’s more about what two people bring to the table to each other. It’s about if there is a deep connection, it’s about knowing that both people have some of the same commonalities, it’s about knowing that person is there for you for the right reasons and all of the wrong ones were checked at the door.

I heard this song on the radio yesterday by Garth Brooks, Some of the Greatest Gifts are Unanswered Prayers. You know that is so true. I look at losing my baby, I prayed that I wouldn’t lose it but yet it is one of the things that I’m so thankful for. I wouldn’t be here and be as happy as I am if I hadn’t lost my little angel baby. True, it still hurts, hurts like heck some days, but I also know that I am a little bit better, a lot stronger and I am a good person in spite of that experience. Not many people are able to turn that kind of a negative around and look at it in a positive manner. That’s the beauty of where I am in my life, I see things so differently than the average person. I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have put my faith and trust in my Jesus. He is my ally and I know that He brings me to exactly what I need at exactly the right time. That is just how good God is. HE knows exactly what each of us needs at just the right timing. Sometimes it's not exactly what we expected and sometimes it's even more than we could have ever anticipated; but whatever the case God is Good. Always.  

With that said, I know for whatever reason Sam and I are meant to meet. We are meant to see what happens. If there is something there for a prospective relationship so be it, Jesus is on our side and He will get us through whatever it is we need to get through. If we meet and decide that we are just to be friends, I am okay with that, because who better than Sam to have as one of my very good friends.