Through this whole journey that I have been on I have learned you cannot live life as though it is an illusion. For along while in my marriage I had this false vision of what marriage should be. I had high hopes and dreams for the both of us. Although he might claim it was all about me. True, what I wanted was for me, but also it was for us as a couple, not just me. He was the one that made me whole and my world centered around him. My plans, my aspiration, my dreams, my whole focus and all of my intentions were on building this beautiful life for us. We had it all, the beautiful house, the things that belonged in the house, the pets, the vehicles, yet somehow for him it was never quite enough. He wanted more, needed it and craved it. I never understood why I and what I had built around us was never enough. I couldn’t comprehend how he was never satisfied. I still question it and spend many a night restless and sleepless trying to figure out where I went wrong. Then again, maybe I’m not the one that was wrong.

I’m at the stage where I’m angry. I hate the way I feel, I don’t like feeling mad, like a time bomb just waiting to explode. Tick. Tick. Tick. I hear that in my head and sometimes it drives me crazy. At times I want to yell and scream. I want to be angry because my ex, didn’t understand my needs, he didn’t get that the beautiful home I created around him and I was for us. He misinterpreted it as it focusing around me and what I wanted. When the only thing I wanted was him to be pleased and happy with me. I wanted gratification. It was the one thing my soul craved and I knew it would satisfy me, but instead I was with this person that was so ungrateful for all that he had and all that we could have built together.

Do I regret that I left, no. I’m far better off but I see myself sabotaging the one relationship I do have because of my anger from before. I love who I am with, I love his being, yet I get insecure that I won’t be enough. That I too will never get that gratification from him that I so desired with my ex. I know in my heart what makes me happy, I know and understand that I am the key to my own happiness, I am the only one that can take that step forward and unlock the doors to happiness. Yet somehow I feel as though I don’t deserve it because I need to be punished as though I was that little girl that I once was that had been naughty and didn’t deserve to have dessert after dinner.

I find myself reverting back to this person I was and didn’t like. An angry person, pushing people away and afraid of letting myself fall so deeply in love, knowing that I truly could be completely happy if I could just fall a little bit more. My insecurities get the best of me, I get paranoid and start thinking, I’m not pretty enough, I’m not smart enough, I’m just not enough. I have this fear that I won’t be enough and someday he too won’t be able to look at me and love me the way he does right this very second. I have to admit it’s a bit intimidating to have someone love me as unconditionally and deeply as he does. It scares me because I’ve never had anyone love me as much as he loves me. It scares the hell out of me. I’m not used to someone wanting to be with me. Its something I had always wanted someone to be there with me at night, to watch the goofy things I do on t.v., someone that never complains about cuddling, someone that loves to kiss me deeply and isn’t afraid, someone that shows me affection when we are in public.

Its something I had craved for so long, yet now that it is staring me straight in the face I get nervous, I find myself not sure what to do because of not being able to be that way in my marriage. I remember times when I wanted to kiss my ex and he pushed me away. I got used to it. It wasn’t healthy and now I’m the one that has to get over the insecurity that had incurred damage on me. I have to let myself be loved and give more freely. Much easier said than done. Its so strange that the simplest acts are the ones that take the most courage. Love and affection is something I think everyone desires but when it is right there for you to have every opportunity to have, we get insecure and unsure. We are timid, like that puppy that had beaten down and now has a new owner. We are shy, shaky and nervous because we aren’t sure as to what we can expect.

I remember the first time Mike kissed me and how good it felt. Yet it felt so unfamiliar to me because I hadn’t had that kind of passion in a kiss for so long, I desired it, needed it...yet I was afraid of it. Letting go and letting yourself be with another is hard, especially after being with the same person for 13 years. There are so many new issues to overcome. The first time they see you completely naked, the first time you accidentally let one go, the first time you have to go to the bathroom and you are sharing one, so you just do what you have to do in front of them. So many fears and inhibitions to get over. The feeling of being natural and completely you with this new person. It’s a tough challenge..something I continually work on. Sometimes I catch myself pushing him away. I hear that voice softly telling me in my head I really do need someone and its okay to need and want someone the way I want them. I want that euphoric feeling, I want him to be the one that makes me whole, because without him I am only half of who I could ever be.

Cynthia