I had a date last night, the guy was somewhat normal and seems nice, but totally not my type. He’s younger and his ambition is drinking and video games. I had agreed to meet up with him at a restaurant in the town where I live since he lives 10 minutes away. I was just getting ready to leave and he was calling me to see if I was still coming. I thought that was a bit peculiar, but then again I was stood up twice last week, let me clarify we didn’t have definite plans so my dad said that’s not being stood up, I still think it is but anyway so I get to the restaurant early, I only live 5 minutes away. I walk in and he looks like his picture, that to me is always a positive. I’m amazed at how many people lie about what they look like on-line or have pictures up from 50 plus pounds ago or from years ago, or my personal favorite high school graduation pictures when they are 30 something. I sit down, we start talking, the conversation is kind of boring and dry. It’s basic small talk, then we talked about video games, I know nothing about them as the only one I have ever really played is Pac-Man, so that was definitely a short lived conversation.

Finally when the waitress came over to take our order, he ordered first, now I’ve been married, I’ve dated and I was in a serious relationship with a guy that was extremely into himself, but I’ve never had the guy order first, so that kind of threw me for a loop and I think the waitress was a bit stunned too. I asked a couple of my friends at work if that was weird of me to think it was odd and they both agreed they’ve never not ordered first. Anyway, our food finally came out, at this point things seemed to be moving quite slowly. So we were eating, he was burping while we were eating. Um, that bothers me and quite honestly I think it should. I don’t know how at this point I noticed what he was wearing, but I saw them and they were these bright, white tennis shoes, kind of like what white boy want to be gangsters would be wearing. Later I saw he had grey dress pants on that were belted below his waist and a dress shirt that I finally figured out he was trying to look like a rapper or something on that order…oh and lets not forget the baseball hat cocked to one side of his head just a bit. I don’t mind hats but quite honestly on first dates they should be left at home unless you are going to a baseball game which we were not.

So we struggled through dinner, or I should say I did. I had a hard time looking him straight in the eyes because there was this glimmer in his eyes, I recognized it because I too have had that look when I really liked someone. Finally after we ate, I couldn’t take any more and I said I was really tired, which I was and I really wanted to go home and relax. Well there it came, the question, will you go out again. Now this is the hard part for me, I always have a hard time telling someone no and at this point in dates even when they seem not so great I sometimes like to go home and think about it if I want to go out again. So I said give me a call. He asked if he could call me tomorrow night, which would be tonight, I said sure for calling me on Tuesday night. (this info is important, trust me!)

Anyway, we said our good byes and I left. I got home and decided to take a bath so while the tub was filling up my cell phone rang. I went to answer it and I saw it was this guy that I just had said good bye to. I thought that was weird so I answered it. He called to tell me that his apartment complex just got new recycle garbage cans. We had a 20 minute conversation about garbage cans. Isn’t that really weird? My tub was finally full and I told him I had to go. That really turned me off and the fact at dinner he complained that he had to be at work on time all the time…um, shouldn’t you be to work on time?!?!?!

I typically get off work at 4:30 and am home by 5pm. Well tonight, I happened to stick around late because I had a ton of paperwork I was trying to catch up on. When I left work I checked my cell, he called me at 5:10 pm. Now I am home, he’s called again, he’s text messaged me twice plus he emailed me on the dating site we are on together. Um, I get it that you are interested but this is ridiculous. I’m not in the mood to deal with it tonight, I am just so glad he doesn’t have my home phone number! So, tomorrow I’m going to have give him the sorry you are a nice guy but I’m just not into you. I hate that speech I’ve had guys me that or they just don’t call. Which I think that latter is worse because you always wonder what the heck happened. Seriously even if I was mentally attracted and even intellectually stimulated to the guy I can’t handle clingy. I have always wondered what clingy really meant because my ex boyfriend said I was clingy…um, I’m far from clingy, I let them respond and if I do call them if they don’t call back that means I just weeded someone out of my life that wasn’t meant to be there in the first place.

Last night one of my really good friends and I decided to go out. Now, you must know I haven’t gone out for a really long time. My friend Chris, is a guy and we have been friends for a few years now. He’s in college so we just don’t get that much time to really hang out. So anyway we decided to go out last night. Chris and I talk about many things, he knows a lot about me and I know a lot about him. I’ve shared some of my past with him and same with him. We have had some really good conversations and we also have had many good laughs. Now, most people, guys that is don’t really understand how I can be such good friends with Chris and there not be anything else. I love Chris, but totally in a friend way, I’ve never actually thought about him in a romantic sense, maybe because I worked with him when I was married and I just never thought about our relationship in that respect. At any rate he and I are great friends.

When we went out last night I had a few drinks. I haven’t drank anything except for a glass of wine here and there for a very long time. Otherwise I just don’t drink, I end up getting heartburn from alcohol so I just don’t drink much anymore. Anyway, while I had doused a little too much of liquid courage down I started talking to Chris about some things I haven’t really shared with many people. I was telling him about one of the last things that happened in my marriage that made me realize I had no choice but to leave. I think Chris was shocked, but what he pointed out to me was that I stand up for my ex and say he’s a good person and realistically he’s not that great based on some of the things that happened between us. I am not sure why I feel so compelled to always stand up for him and state he is a good person and he is good at being a cop. To be quite frank I’m honestly not sure why I feel that way. I just do. Some of the things that happened I haven’t told my family because I didn’t want them to hate him. Which is sad because they should know. Some of the things he did, I seriously hope no other woman has to go through.

Today I was back in my hometown and I felt this crazy desire to drive by where I used to live. I had it all, I lived in a neighborhood that was filled with doctors and lawyers. I had a beautiful home across from a lake, I had over 3,000 square feet to roam around, I had everything a girl could possibly want, yet I had to walk away and say good bye to that forever. I knew my choice wouldn’t be the easiest and I also knew there would be many people that just wouldn’t understand. I always think if they only knew the truth, you see the truth is something I can’t tell, I have told a couple of people but the secrets that really happened will follow me to my grave. There are just things that I can’t justify repeating, for one if I did it still wouldn’t change anything and two, because of what he does those things that aren’t so good, will stay with me.

Sometimes I’m okay with keeping the secrets and other times I wish I could scream them from the top of my lungs and tell everyone and anyone that will listen. Yet I know that sometimes certain truths are better left unsaid. I’ve created a good life for myself, I have a nice place that I reside in and call home, I have my cat, I have my beautiful belongings surrounding me and I live in a different county so that someone can’t be in his squad car and randomly drive by because he believes he can. I still work in the county he patrols but at least I no longer live there. I’m not afraid of him because when it comes down to it, it’s only when he’s angry that he becomes this stranger I once knew.

Today I had to laugh because I was at my parents and my dad made a comment about my ex. My dad feels sorry for him, you see, my ex met someone three weeks after I moved out and they got married the following year after our divorce was final. I seriously don’t think he knew her that well nor does she really know him. Anyway, you know how people talk and they have said that “cupcake” (that’s what I call her) is a real gem (can you read the sarcasm in that?) Anyway, I’ve heard from a few people that their kids have her as their teacher and they aren’t fond of her and they have specific reasons for it which are neither here nor there. I just thought it funny my dad feels sorry for him and my thoughts are my ex has gotten everything he deserves……

I work for a very large trucking company. We move freight almost anywhere in Canada and the United States. It’s pretty awesome to see what we do. We move anything, it’s actually easier to list what we don’t move. We do what is called LTL meaning light truck loads. We take small loads of freight and pick them up and deliver them. We go to almost every state and we have capabilities to pick up in every state except for Louisiana, Hawaii and Alaska. We have limited service in New York, Utah and Florida. We can get things to and from there but those last three are a bit more challenging.

What I do is train people. My official title is Trainer/Lead. I like it, it’s different every day. We have been really busy lately and short staffed so I have been helping out answering the phones. That’s what I used to do before I was promoted. I miss that part of my job because I am really good at it. I always manage to turn the most unhappy customer into someone that is a perhaps a little less unhappy. I’m always amazed at the people that call in and are mad at you specifically because their freight was lost, miss loaded or it’s running behind. Sometimes it is within the company and our fault, but mine not really. We move so much freight and it is very unfortunate that some things do not go as anticipated. I know for myself it’s frustrating but when you look at the big picture of how much freight we move the calls we get that are negative really aren’t that many.

I have had calls where I have had people swear at me, that is their prerogative, but I don’t have to listen to it and after telling them they either talk nice or I will hang up, some will be a bit nicer and others just don’t get it. So they get hung up on. I’ve talked to French people from Canada, my French is very limited so it is always an extremely interesting conversation and I’m not sure they completely understand and I’m not sure that I fully understood as well, but I try to help and if I can’t I will find someone in one of our offices in Canada to help them. Our customer service number is a couple of digits off from a sex hot line and those calls are really interesting because the caller on the other end thinks we are one of the girls at the hot line. I had one guy tell me he worked from home and liked to be naked in his leather chair, I thought that was a little peculiar to admit but I ended up helping him. That was something that happened when I first started and I later told my supervisor and she said hang up on them. So now I know and when they get testy I hang up after telling them that if they don’t change their tune they will be disconnected.

There are the ones that are beyond help and they try to tell you how you should do your job and they tell you more than you ever needed to know, I just need the tracking number and then I can tell them what is going on with it, but sometimes you have to sit back and listen before they will give you the pertinent information. Sometimes you have to interrupt because you just do and some get kind of mad about that. I’ve gotten men that you can tell they think women are idiots and I get women that are extremely strong and talk down to you. Many times you just bite your tongue but sometimes you’d like to scream at them and tell them I’M INTELLIGENT I AM COLLEGE EDUCATED, I CAN SPELL AND LAST TIME I CHECKED I COULD GET MY UNDERWEAR ON EVERYDAY WITH NO HELP!!! Yup sometimes you’d like to say that but you don’t. What I do though is think thank GOD I don’t go home with this person or know them!

Then there’s the really sweet and wonderful people that I talk to on a regular basis. There are almost 40 of us in our customer service center and sometimes it seems you get some of the same people to talk to on a regular basis. While you are helping them you get into friendly conversation about what their kids did, how my new town home is and certain things like that. Certain tracking areas take forever to pull up on our computer system, eventually we will have one system and not 4 different programs to know we will just have the Canadian side and the US side, so that will make things much easier. So while you are pulling up information rather than having dead silence you start talking or at least I do a little bit. To me that’s how you build a good customer service rapport and it‘s nice that after I say our company spiel that the other voice I recognize as one of my favorite customers, I‘m amazed as to how I recognize the voices and know what name goes along with it. Sometimes I am even able to remember their account numbers and that always impresses them too. I always get people that tell me how cheery I sound and how helpful I am. That makes me feel good, so in my own way my job is very rewarding. I like helping people, sometimes I wish there was more I could do, but I am only capable of doing what I can that is within policy guidelines and what is really considered my job. At times there are some things you can do to help but you also have to get the right person within our company on the other end that is willing to cooperate as well. I play as a team member and you always have some that haven’t quite figured out that concept quite yet.

For several years I have had a dream about this boy, sometimes I’ve dreamt about him as a childlike figure and other times I’ve dreamt about him as an adult. I always know it’s the same person because of some of the gestures that he makes that are always the same in every dream. Anyway, I never see his face, it’s just a shadow of a person. Although I have been privileged enough to have seen that he has darker eyes, yet they light up when he smiles, I’ve been able to look into his eyes and they are like endless pools that just go on forever, I get lost in them in my dreams. When I dream of him when he is a child I am also a child. We’ve kissed in the dreams. We’ve held hands. We’ve had wrestling matches. We’ve taken trips together when I dream that we are both adults. Every dream I have I am in it as well as him. I dream of different stages of life that I have gone through, but it’s almost like this is a turn I never took. I’ve had these dreams since I was 13 or 14. I never understood them then and even now I still am not sure that I fully understand the purpose behind them. I just know that some nights they haunt me, sometimes they comfort me, sometimes they freak me out, sometimes I feel at peace and sometimes I’m just not sure what to even think of them.

On a normal morning when I wake up after having one of these dreams I either feel very content or extremely at peace with my life. I feel as though everything is just as it is supposed to be. Sometimes the dreams seem so real I can hardly decipher that it’s not true. I often wonder about this boy, he’s not much taller than me when we are adults, he is a good dancer according to my dreams, he is so many things, a good man, yet when he was a child he got into some trouble but found his way back to me. I know this because I dreamt about it. Lately I have been having the dreams more often, I don’t want to be holding onto something that just doesn’t exist, yet these dreams seem so real. Its one of the hardest things to explain because its not tangible, yet I can feel something inside of me after I’ve had one of the dreams.

I’ve dreamt that he and I have rode our mountain bikes on the trails near my house. I’ve dreamt we walked down on the walking path by my house too. The weird thing about it is I had dreamt about it in the winter and I’ve never walked down there in the winter so a few weeks back when there was snow on the ground but a warmer day I took a jaunt down there and some of the things I saw are things I know I had seen before, but I had never been on the path since last fall and I have only lived here since. I dreamt we were skipping rocks down by the river, I’ve yet to be down there yet I know t what I see in my dreams is down there too.

I am in a much better place than the last time I wrote. This weekend I started to really feel better, I had the flu twice and I will tell you that did a number on me. Then the biopsy stuff and having the stitches out and me coughing so hard that the incisions came right back open so I had to be stitched back up. It was a long couple of weeks. The great news, the two biopsies were benign. This is the first time that I have had them both come back benign, so it is a relief!

Tomorrow is going to be a bit of a bittersweet day. I’m getting a new car, a Pontiac G6. Most would be super excited and don’t get me wrong I am, but I love my Trailblazer, I was the one that has driven it from mile 1 and it’s my baby and it’s just getting broke in, but the gas prices are killing me. I drive about 30 miles total to work and back home and honestly I can’t afford the gas prices anymore, I can afford it but I know that I have to be kind of careful with my money and it is a gas pig. This vehicle my ex husband and I picked out almost 3 and half years ago…together. It’s the one last tie I have to him. The SUV has been in both of our names he took his SUV and I kept mine. Anyway, it was in his name as well as mine and it would cost almost $600 according to him to put it in just my name. I never checked into it because I wasn’t going to pay for it. Anyway, long story short there have been a few issues because when you go through a divorce there are certain things you are entitled to and he was paying the payment up until this year. Somehow the company that the payment is through hasn’t been able to figure out that every time I put my new address on the payment coupon that really it does mean I have moved. My ex has taken it upon himself to bring the payment to me at work when he is in uniform(he’s a sheriff’s deputy for the county I work in and used to live in) and that causes a stir at work and a bunch of unnecessary questions. Last time he was there someone asked me if he was my boyfriend and I said no and they said that’s good because he looks really old. I must admit I am human and that did feel good hearing someone say that.

He and I went to Indiana to pull a car back with my Trailblazer, we went on many trips together in my vehicle…so there are some good memories and the fact is I love my Trailblazer. I travel down a somewhat dangerous highway when I go to work so I always felt she would get me safe back and forth everyday. There have been some close calls but I always was fine. In the snow she’s gotten me from point A to B and I’ve never been stuck ever. I did some 4x4 one day awhile back and I had a blast, she was a little dirty but she always cleans up well. When I moved out from my ex she was filled many times with my personal belongings and we took many trips filled with my things to our new home. So there are some really good memories there.

I truly am excited to get a G6, I loved them from when they first came out and I am fortunate that I can afford a brand new vehicle. My dad says I’ll be thankful every time I fill up with gas that it’s not $60 plus dollars anymore…which I think I will be happy about. I did splurge and get the bigger engine so she will have a little zip to her. I will miss my Trailblazer though, she was always easy to spot in a parking lot because she stood so tall, she always started for me when it was colder than hell, she took care of me. I’m sure my new car will take care of me too, but I know it will be different having a car once again after having my SUV, but what are you to do when everything keeps getting more expensive and your wages aren’t really where they are meant to be? So, you save where you can and be happy that you do have a few options that you can control.

Have you ever had this feeling that you just feel as though you are a tiny bit lost. I feel like the direction for where I am supposed to be going has become unclear. I feel as though I’m not quite sure how to navigate to get where I am supposed to be going. Then again, I’m not sure where it is I am supposed to be going. I usually am pretty right on and feel like I am exactly where I am but lately it seems like I am just stumbling and going nowhere fast. Maybe its because I have been sick for the latter part of February, maybe its because I put some high expectations on a couple of things and I’ve been really let down and feel disappointed. Perhaps its because work has been more stressful and I haven’t been able to get in my happy spot there for awhile. I just feel out of sorts and I’m not liking how I am feeling. I feel so negative and ornery. I’m not that person. I know I am allowed to be unhappy once in awhile but to feel like I am in a rut of negativity is not my thing nor is it the place I want to even get stuck at even if its for only a brief moment. I’ve been trying to figure out what I need to do to get in a better place and nothing really comes to mind. I’ve thought about going and getting a massage which that always makes me feel better, that thought just makes me feel blah. I’ve tried working out really hard in the morning to get a good sweat going to perspire any negative thoughts from my head and to no avail that has been only a temporary fix. I just can’t seem to get the “funk” feeling out of my life.

I’ve thought about going shopping but seriously I really don’t need anything, even the thought of “oh I could use another pair of black shoes because I don’t have any quite like this pair” hasn’t even cut it. I’ve thought about a new pair of Skechers, those that know me, know I would have a hard time with life without those and that doesn’t even appeal to me. I’ve thought about a juicy steak dinner and the thought of that doesn’t even excite me. My favorite dessert, cheesecake brings me no thrills either. So, here I am back to square one trying to figure out what I can do to get me out my funk and I just don’t have the answer. I’ve even got some great books and I’ve tried relaxing and reading and nothing. I used to be able to spend a whole afternoon reading whether it was about art, architecture, music or a biography I was enthralled by and could hardly be pulled away from it. I used to buy a new CD every few weeks and there is no music or album that I just have to have. I used to write some of the most beautiful poetry and I feel as though I couldn’t write anything to save my life if it depended on it.

I don’t think I am depressed, I am happy, just not my usual really happy self. I’m trying a few new things, meditation is one thing I am trying out, I’m doing more Yoga and also Chi-Gong that are both for relaxation and helping a person feel better. I’m looking forward to being able to get outside more now that the weather is getting a little bit better. I’ve even checked my mountain bike out to make sure it is completely ready for when I decide to go for a bike ride. I’ve been scoping out patio furniture for my patio so that when it gets a bit warmer I can take my cat and myself to sit out there. I’ve even been losing weight which I’m really not trying but I’ve lost and that makes me feel really good too, yet there’s just something not quite right.

I keep trying to figure out what it is that is driving me down this path and that in itself is driving me crazy too. I just want to feel like my old self again or a new and improved version of my old self, yet I just can’t quite put my finger on why I’ve been feeling as though I am Humpty Dumpty that you can’t quite put back together again. I just feel so out of sorts. It’s like I go through the motions of everyday life, I go to work, I come home, I go to bed and then I do it all over again, yet I feel as though I’m standing watching this girl that I sort of recognize go through the phases and then there’s me standing there watching her. I recognize her because she’s certainly not a stranger, yet I just don’t quite know her anymore. That kind of freaks me out.

Maybe because I have gone through so much change these last couple of years I’m tired from it and maybe I just need to slow down and relax a bit more. I’m not sure, I just know I’d like to know where I am going and where I am headed and know that the path I am taking will get me there because it is the right one and exactly where I am supposed to be.

I kind of have to laugh because I have been getting told a lot lately that people just don’t understand why I am still single or why I’m not married anymore. You know, I often wonder that myself but on the latter I had a husband and he had me but I wasn’t enough so that was a huge problem with our relationship. I guess I don’t have an answer on why I am still single. I am a nice girl, I’m not ugly that’s for sure, I have a job, a house, a car, all of the basics that make life a little bit easier. I have a lot actually. I’m intelligent, I have a good heart and I would do anything for someone I really truly loved. I have morals, I’ve never slept around nor do I ever plan on it. I don’t have children, I don’t smoke, I drink very rarely and if I do, I know when to stop. I’m all of the D’s free including drama. I don’t speed, in fact I haven’t ever gotten a speeding ticket, I’ve never been to jail nor do I anticipate doing anything that would get me into that kind of a situation. I pay my bills on time, I have a mortgage and a car payment…so I just don’t get it.

I will admit I have done the dating site things and I haven’t had real good luck. I’m a bit scared of meeting people from on-line because it just doesn’t seem they want to be completely honest. They are always hiding something or they embellish the truth just a tad, my theory is they are going to find out sooner or later so you might as well be honest and up front right away. I’ve gone on a few dates none have any bragging rights, but then again with the right guy going for a walk around the block and having a peanut butter and jelly sandwich could be the most to brag about ever.

True, I don’t put myself out there. I don’t go to bars, I don’t belong to any clubs or the health club so I could in that aspect step up my game a bit in that area. The other thing I am picky, I won’t date someone that smokes, seriously why would I want to kiss an ashtray? I won’t date someone that doesn’t understand their limits when it comes to alcohol, life isn’t about how drunk you can get and I for one would like to enjoy as much of it sober as possible. I’d prefer to date someone that doesn’t have kids, but I’d make the exception if he had one…more than one not interested. I’d like a guy that wants to have kids, but that too is anther negotiable. I’d like a child someday, but if I don’t that’s okay too. I’d prefer someone that is religious probably not someone that is Catholic (no offense to those that are, I was married to someone Catholic and it was something we never agreed on). The guy has to like cats, not that I have 100, I just have 1, I like dogs it’s just that with my lifestyle it is easier to have a cat. The guy has to have a job, now he doesn’t have to have a 6 figure income but a job at the very least. Someone that wants something out of life and gets that it is really the small things that matter. I think that’s pretty much it on my wish list….I know I don’t have a certain type that I am attracted to, I do know that obese is something that doesn’t knock my socks off. You don’t have to be able to run a marathon but I want someone that can go up a flight of stairs and not be out of breath.

I have this “thing” that I just seem to have to hang onto. It all started long ago when I was in college back in California. I received this box from my grandma, you know one of those boxes that you just know something good is inside. You see my grandma is the coolest and always manages to find just the right thing to make me smile, this particular time she once again hit the jackpot. The only thing with this particular time is that it kind of has a story that goes along with it. So when I opened the box and started unpacking it, in with the some of the food items she had sent me was this absolutely, beautiful and exquisite teddy bear. This bear’s name was Carnaby and he was the softest of soft brown fur that you can imagine. He’s not a huge a bear but just the right size bear for snuggling with. Carnaby became my new sleeping partner. He was my comfort that I needed when I was living out amongst all the craziness in California. When I had a big test coming up he was snuggled up right next to me. When I had a rough night of partying he was what comforted me when I wasn’t feeling quite so good. In my last semester of college in California I met “the boy”. I fell head over heals in love with this guy. He was one of the most absolutely beautiful creatures that has inhibited this earth or at least I thought so.

He was magnificent, great tan, in impeccable shape and he had professed that he loved me more than anything so he had stole whatever was left of my heart at that point. Both of us were young, he was in the Navy and I was going to be going back to Minnesota as soon as the school year was up. Yet somehow he and I were going to make it work. In our young minds anything was possible and distance didn’t really matter. I have some of the most fondest memories from those last couple of months with “the boy”. One night we fell asleep on a beach in San Diego and woke up to one of the most awesome sunrises, he taught me how to kiss, yes he was the first boy I ever really kissed, he taught me some really great dance moves because for a white boy he could dance, Anyway, my last night in California is one of the most incredible memories I have, in which case the memories will always stay very close to my heart and be figments of peace and true contentment that now as an adult I do understand a little bit better. Yes “the boy” was an amazing guy…unfortunately for us it wasn’t meant to be our time to shine together. Every once in awhile I catch myself thinking about what ever happened to him….

So, as I was getting ready to kiss “the boy” one last time I handed him my Carnaby and unbeknownst to me I would never see either of them again. I had every intention of moving back to the sunny side of the world but that was just a blur in my sunshine filled world that was not meant to become a reality. “The boy” and I became a memory and I hurt knowing that this particular boy and I were just not meant to be. You see he filled my head with many empty promises, I’d call and he wouldn’t call back, I’d write and I never heard from him again. It was the first time that I truly felt gut wrenching lovesickness. The worst part was he had my bear that my grandma had gotten for me and that was hard to explain to her when she asked where my dear bear Carnaby was.

As good grandmas are and how mine definitely is she couldn’t stand seeing her baby dumplings hurting. (yes that’s what she still calls me to this day) She went to the place she originally bought the bear and of course they didn’t have anymore but they could special order her another one. Well, eventually I got another Carnaby. (I later found out the original bear cost $80!) Carnaby became inseparable with me. Then I met “him”. Well, as most know “him” and I got married and are now divorced, but he’s a big part of the story. You see, “him” didn’t like Carnaby. He felt threatened by him, how one could possibly feel threatened by inanimate object I’ve yet to know or understand, but at any rate with a little belittlement from “him” Carnaby became something that I had to put away…..until much later in this marriage.

When I lost our baby I was devastated. I have never hurt as bad as what I did back then. I’ve been through tough times but this by far was the toughest. I still let the demons from that night chase me in my sleep, it is probably something that until the day I die I will never quite completely feel at peace with and that is just something that will be. When I lost Angel Baby I somehow stumbled on the box that Carnaby had been packed up in. Here we had moved from apartment to apartment, from one city to another and finally to the house we were in at the time and somehow I found that darn bear. It was the one thing I found comfort with. He understood and he didn’t have any harsh words, he just held so many memories of an innocent past from when I was a young girl and I could hold onto that part of me and not feel quite as lost and hopeless as I was feeling during that desperate time. I started sleeping with Carnaby again and “him” would hide the bear from me, saying grown ups didn’t sleep with teddy bears and he was stupid and so was I to sleep with a ratty old bear. In my mind I didn’t care that Carnaby wasn’t quite his original lustrous self. He brought me comfort that no one understood. As the story goes a few years later I had to move on. That was an unhealthy relationship and I finally figured it out.

I’ve had one boyfriend since and he didn’t think it was weird I slept with a bear. In fact he’d always make sure that before we fell asleep that my bear was never far. Somehow he understood the comfort Carnaby brought me. I sleep much better with him, when I am sick my Carnaby is right there. Some nights I wake up and he’s not in my arms but he’s not too far away. It’s funny how one silly bear can make everything seem alright. I’m so lucky that my grandma way back when thought so much of me to get me a second Carnaby. True he doesn’t look like he used to and since he’s lost the brown satin ribbon that once was tied around his neck but to me he has so many memories, memories that I will always have tucked away with me, I may not be able to touch those memories but I sure can feel the warmth inside when I think of all the joy that bear has brought me, he’s brought me comfort when I’ve felt alone, when it’s been stormy that bear has been there and even when I squeeze a bit too tight at the sound of thunder not one complaint from Carnaby. Somehow I’ve made it here and sometimes I feel as though I barely made it here and I know I have a long ways to go but I do know Carnaby will always be there…..

****For some of the memories I have from way back then, a different lifetime but definitely a good time….many long nights at the Red Onion, one good Navy boy whose smile and beautiful eyes still haunt me every once in awhile you were my first love, my first kiss along with a few other memorable firsts, one incredible Californian sunrise, a walk on the boardwalk in Long Beach holding hands with that one special boy, a bottle of Roxy Red hair die, a studded bustier, black leather boots, ripped Guess jeans, dancing in the streets of Hollywood to Ho Jo, Nick and Sin where oh where did the time go and of course one beat up old Beatle bug and a few granules of sand in the most inopportune places……

To those memories that are a little more recent, the ones that keep me from my slumber every once in awhile, do I have regrets? Don’t we all? But we cannot live life dwelling on what ifs and what could have beens, we have to move on…because really there is something greater out there that requires our attendance.

To that perfect Angel Baby in the sky I still love you, my heart aches without you, but I know that I am stronger because of the presence of you in my soul and that Angel Baby will never be gone…it keeps me motivated to be stronger and live how I was intended to live. To the memories of “him” and I, I’m happy for you…..

To all the new and upcoming memories yet to be made, I look forward to embracing them, for they too will be important pieces of what makes me who I am becoming and who I want to be….yeah, no one can take those memories, they are ours to keep, some may be not so good and others may be great, but we cherish them and take them out when we need them…

Here I am on a Monday once again and have the flu. It feels like déjà vu, since last week I started out the week with the flu too. Although I feel not quite as bad as I did last week. Last week was something fierce, this week isn’t so bad. I just am wanting to get well so I made the decision to stay home and try to stay away from any germs that might be floating around at work.

It makes me happy today looking out my windows and seeing the sun shining. It looks chilly out but the sun is shining and that definitely is something that makes me smile. I am so ready for spring, it seems like it has been a long winter. February was a hard month for me, lots of downs and not as many ups as I would have liked, but that’s okay….

I woke up today feeling not so good but now that I have taken some aspirin I am feeling better and I kind of had a revelation. I have so much going for myself, I believe in God, I have a great family that loves me no matter what, I have a great life and I have this awesome fur ball of a cat that always knows how to make me smile. Plus I have a handful of really good friends including a couple of on-line ones that mean the world to me. Sounds really good huh? Yeah, I’m extremely blessed and lucky.

I typically talk to my mom on my way to work in the morning, they are my parents and they worry about me…anyway, I called her to let her know I was staying home so she wouldn’t worry when I didn’t call at my normal time and then I went to bed. It was a few hours later and my dad was calling, he’s laid off during the winter and he and I have gotten to be super close. Anyway, he was calling to tell me not to worry, if I needed anything he and my mom would drive the 30 minutes over if there was something I needed. He even said don’t worry about not being at work because if I needed extra money this month that they would give me what I needed. I just smile because I know they love me so much and would do anything for me. Not every kid has that and I am so fortunate that I do. They would do anything to help me out.

Since I got divorced things haven’t always been easy. I made the distinct choice to leave because things weren’t good. Some days I do miss my old life, I miss the security, but I definitely don’t miss who I was married too. When I first moved to my town home things were easier because it was my ex boyfriend and I. Now, it’s just me and Bogie (the super cat), financially things aren’t always the easiest. I make it some months I put nothing into savings and other months I have a little bit to tuck away. Yes, the house payment is a lot, but it’s my house and no one will take that away from me. I have a very nice, little, cozy place. I call it the Girly Castle. I am definitely girly and everything in my home reflects that side of me. I love decorating and it definitely shows, I had many nice things when I was married, some I have gotten rid of but many I have incorporated into my space. I collect angels and cherubs. Almost every room has them in their space, whether it be on a wall or sitting on a table. I can look at all of them and tell a story about where I got that particular one, if you saw my face as I told their story you would see the pride on my face and the gleaming smile in my green eyes.