This girl was having this reoccurring dream, almost every night she dreaded going to bed because this one particular sequence of images just kept haunting her and teasing her when she would lay her head down to rest. Sometimes she could avoid that particular image and then other times she’d lay there and when she’d finally drift off to sleep her dreams would take her back to a different time and a different place. A place that had once been her safe place but somehow it become this ugly and unsafe haven.

She was married back then to this man that she thought was one of the greatest men ever. She loved him very much back then but that was when they first had been married, sure they had their ups and downs, but somewhere along the way things became really ugly. So ugly she didn’t feel as though she was living she felt dead in side and somehow lost her own existence….and that’s where the nightmare started….they were arguing, something stupid, she didn’t even remember what it was about but she remembered that gut wrenching feeling as though it was happening at that moment. They had fought bad before, once he almost pushed her down a staircase, but she managed to escape his hand and was able to calm him down somehow. After that fight he bought her the most exquisite diamond earrings. They were beautiful but the things he bought her never took the pain away that she constantly was feeling. She hurt so bad that sometimes she wondered if it would be easier just to pull her car in front of a semi truck just so she wouldn’t feel the hurt and pain anymore, but then she always came back to the reality that she just couldn’t bear the thought of how her family would feel if she weren’t there. That last fight they had changed everything, she knew if she didn’t get out after the last fight she wouldn’t survive, she would end up dead and then he would have been the one to have won. They were arguing badly again, the rage in his eyes was so scary and fierce it was so hard for her to even look him in the eyes anymore because all she saw was a deep hatred and it seemed to always be directed towards her. This fight was different the rage was more livid than the last time, this time he was so angry and she wasn’t sure if she knew how to get him under control this time. He was leaving for work and she thanked God for that because maybe then this fight would be short lived. All of a sudden as she was lost in the thought of him going to work he grabbed her, shoving her hard up to the wall with one arm twisted behind her, he was so much bigger and stronger she wasn’t sure what would happen. The next moment she felt this cold, round, barrel at her temple, she kept thinking oh my God he is really crazy this time. He whispered in her ear in a deep, daunting and intimidating voice one she will never forget, “I can take it all away in just three seconds and make it look like you did it yourself, don’t ever forget that”. Then he shoved her up against the wall, she remembered her face scarping the wall as she fell to her knees and he walked out the door to work. She never uttered a word because she knew it would be detrimental to her well being and survival that night. When he finally left she started to shake and cry fiercely but knew she had to pull herself together, he’d be calling later to check on her and he’d be mad if she wasn’t back to whatever was considered normal in this extremely unhealthy place she had found herself in. At that moment she realized that she needed to leave….she moved out a couple of weeks later, she left everything that had once been her safe haven behind. She left her security, her home, everything she knew that was familiar to her was left behind……it took her almost two years to talk to anyone about what happened that dark day way back then, but finally she felt as though she was breathing again and could talk about that awful night when she almost had her life stolen from her because someone hated her so much. It took so long to get back to where she needed to be and some days she couldn’t help herself but to resort back to that fear she once felt and the insecurities she felt……

For the last few weeks I had been corresponding with someone on one of the dating sites I am on. In the process of emailing back and forth I thought he was nice yet not someone I ever really anticipated meeting up with. Last weekend we were talking again and he happened to ask me what something was in one of his pictures he had up. I thought it was a strange question because I figured most everyone should know what it was. I answered him back with wheat grass and what is my prize? He responded back with that my prize was a date with him for Friday night. I thought I was a little presumptuous of him to assume I would even go on a date with him. I gave him my phone number because I wanted to hear what he sounded like before I would agree to the date. I actually was pleasantly surprised I really liked his voice….a lot. So I agreed to go out with him. He wanted to pick me up at my place because he wanted to show me what it was like to go out with a guy that understands that chivalry wasn’t dead. I told him let me think that over a bit and I’d get back to him on it. Normally I will go meet someone, I don’t let them into my little world because for one it’s not the most safest thing to do and two my home is my private space and I really don’t let just anyone be privy to that part of me.

On Tuesday he emailed me where he was taking me and I agreed he come to my home to pick me up. We talked again on the phone, through several emails and a few text messages throughout the week. I must admit I wasn’t too excited at first but as it got closer to Friday I was excited. The more I learned about him the more I was intrigued by him. On Friday he emailed me at work and asked if I was going to have enough time from when I got home until he picked me to be ready, I haven’t had anyone ask me that before. I knew I’d have enough time. We had both discussed that we wanted to be dressed more dressy casual with no jeans. Which was kind of nice for a change. I had a heck of time figuring out what I was going to wear because it’s been so long since I have dressed up for a date without jeans being included in the mix.

Friday finally came and finally this guy was ringing my doorbell. I was nervous when I opened my door. I was pleasantly surprised, he was extremely handsome, he smelled wonderful and had a really nice smile. He brought me one single, perfect, pink rose. It was sweet. Really sweet actually. I got my shoes on and was about to put my coat on and he stopped me so he could help me. Because it was raining he brought an umbrella and he opened it up so that I wouldn’t get wet going to his car. He opened the car door and helped me in. (he had a really nice little Mazda Miata, that was extremely fun!) So we started out towards our destination that was about an hour away. It was weird I felt like I had known him for a very long time. Earlier in the week we had discussed that we both liked classical music and my favorite is Vivaldi’s Four Seasons as was his. He went out and bought one of the better cuts of it and put it for us to listen to while we drove. It was wonderful. We talked about politics, a topic I normally steer away from but we both believe many of the same things. We discussed religion which is another one that I tend to steer away from on a date and that I was pleasantly surprised that his views were almost identical to mine. He doesn’t eat seafood nor pork for the same reasons I do because they are unclean meats. I’ve never met someone that understood why I choose not to eat both of those.

We were headed to a comedy club where we also had dinner reservations. When we got to the restaurant he took my coat off and also pulled out the chair for me. I was again surprised. He ordered champagne for us to start our meal with, which I thought was really nice. We made a nice toast. He asked what I wanted for dinner and I told him and when the waiter came to take our order he told him what we both wanted. I was mystified. The food was horrible, but the person I was wonderful and it didn’t matter that the food wasn’t the greatest. We laughed, we smiled, we blushed, we had a really nice time. Then we headed into the comedy club. He ordered us another drink in there and I was surprised when he hit it on the nose with what he ordered for me. The guy is intuitive, really intuitive. The comedians were funnier than anything I have ever heard. Then we left and he asked me what I wanted to do, I wanted to come back to my place to talk and get to know each other.

That’s what we did too, I made coffee and we talked. The guy is wonderful, but there’s two big obstacles, one he doesn’t want children and two he doesn’t want to commit to someone because he’s afraid he’d lose his freedom, he likes dating and not having any serious committment to anyone. He’s a great guy and I believe we might stay in touch and be friends, but I am really doubtful it will be anything more than that…...

The last few weeks have been such a blur to me. It’s like I have been traveling down this crazy highway and I am just seeing things flying by in one big massive streak. I’ve been busy, I’ve been dating and I’ve been plain and simple living life. Then I fell at work and things slowed down for me, not by choice mind you, but in order for me to heal I had to slow it down. I had to regroup in order to maintain the ability to get to where I was headed to begin with.

Lately I think some of my friends from my old life (when I was married) would be surprised at me. I’ve been living vicariously in some aspects, I’ve done a few things without thinking them through first. I felt some things I never knew I possibly could feel and be able to wake up the next day knowing that I was different because of it. I have jumped in and made some rash decisions and I’m proud of myself that I did and feel good about my choices. I’ve always been the one to follow the “right” way and I’ve been living a little bit on edge, not too much but just enough to know that I need to bring out this wild side that has been cooped up inside of me for a long, long time.

I’ve changed and I like this person that I am becoming right at this moment. It feels good that I have been able to a bit wild and crazy and just live. I feel like I am really breathing and feeling every ounce of oxygen run through my complete being, it’s invigorating and an empowering experience for me. When I was married I always felt I had to be a certain way. Everything I did was looked at under a microscope and I hated it. I felt as though I was this bird that was caged up that only was able to come out once in awhile and when I did get to fly there was only a certain distance I would get to fly then it would be time to be locked back up in that cage.

I feel as though this butterfly that has always been deep down inside had been eluded and could never quite fly the way she was meant to. I’m leaping out of my cocoon and truly living the way I was meant to live. Some may not agree with some of my choices, but guess what they aren’t in my shoes and they aren’t the ones that have to live with the consequences. In the present my wings are spread and I am ready to soar. I think my wings are the most vivid purples and pinks, this particular butterfly has an luminous glow to her and for the first time she knows just how incredible she really is. Sure, I have my moments where I have difficulties but somewhere deep within me I am able to muster up the strength to get through the pain and live once again. I’m better, stronger because of those hard moments I have had to go through and will continue to go through.

I made a decision about something and it’s so totally not something the old me would do, I am getting a tattoo, I’m not sure when…sooner than later that is for sure. This tattoo is something I have give much thought to because I believe that they should have some type of sentimental meaning behind them and those that know me well, would know I’m not so much into sentimentalism. So this is a big deal to me. What I am getting is a wreath of roses, the shape being in a circle to represent my life and how everything comes full circle, the roses represent tranquility, peace, love and they are also my favorite flower. The color of the roses will be pink since that is my favorite color. Then next to the wreath holding a branch from the wreath is going to be a cherub baby, this angel baby will represent my child that I lost and will forever hold in my heart right where he belongs. I had a feeling it was a boy and of course I will never know, but that’s my feeling. I struggled most with where I was going to get this, but I finally decided that this will be on my lower back. It’s the one place as I age that shouldn’t change too much. My baby will be right with me everyday and I will always find strength in knowing that life does always come full circle and no matter what heartache I have felt I will always be better because I managed to get through it and am much better because of the struggle.

Last night was a tough one. I didn’t honestly think I’d get through it. I was hurting physically and mentally. Somehow I made it though. Today is so much brighter. I feel so much better. I was depressed last night and felt there was no hope for anything. I wanted this nagging pain I feel in my neck to be gone. Today it has subsided somewhat and it doesn’t seem to be hurting me as much as it did yesterday. I went to bed early last night because I just didn’t feel as though I could cope with anything else. I slept in later this morning and when I finally did get out of bed I did some deep meditating. I found my inner strength and I reconnected with the path that I want to be on and continue to be on. I also was able to reiterate to myself as to why I am capable of being tough and getting through this as the winner.

I’ll be okay, I’m stronger today and I feel that the weakness I was feeling last night has disappeared into the background. It will get better and I will be better for going through this. I had a very bad headache yesterday and I took one Tylenol and I am thinking that must have reacted not so good with the Amrix I am on. I was feeling kind of blue as it was because I am not used to having a constant pain like I have been having, but I have a renewed faith my neck will heal and I will be better.

Tomorrow I am going back to my workout regime, probably a little less intense for the week but that’s something that was bugging me because I was doing so well with working out and eating better and I have faltered a little bit from it since my injury. I know I was bummed out about the guy that I really thought was different, I was angry and I’m allowed to be angry, but now I see it as it’s better to have weeded him out of my life now rather than be hurting down the road when I liked him even more. If he calls, which I highly doubt he will, I’m not sure that I would agree to go out with him again, I honestly think I would tell him he screwed up and he lost out on one heck of a girl, the girl that would have treated him better than anything he’s had before. Truly it is his loss, I am a great girl, I just needed to put everything into perspective and see things more clearly once again.

Right now I am in this numb state. I’m in what I think one would feel like if they were in a comatose state. I’m here but I’m really not. I’ve been taking muscle relaxers since Tuesday night. I slipped on water that had leaked into the bathroom floor at work and I am suffering. I have never known pain until right now. I’m on drugs and I still feel pain, it is tolerable but everything is so fuzzy. I can’t think straight and my mind just seems to shut off at the most inopportune times. I’ll be in mid sentence and my mind draws a blank; I have to try and think out what it was I was trying to say to form coherent sentences. My doctor prescribed Amrix, which is a muscle relaxant that helps when you have spasms, which I was having horrible and painful ones in my back and neck. I’ve been taking one every night and the pills are time releasing pills, so I get one big dose after about a half after taking it and then two smaller doses release the following day one in the morning and one in the afternoon. I can tell after they release because I become very relaxed. The doctor told me I could take two of them at night, which is not going to happen. I can barely function after I take one! I am supposed to avoid as much stress as possible to help my muscles relax and relieve the tension that is causing my neck and shoulders to have spasms.

I was at my parents today and my mom noticed that I’m not myself and she of course is concerned she doesn’t like to see me hurting. I didn’t let on that I am hurting as much as I am though, I hate having them worry about me. I feel like a zombie walking around. I have all sorts of wild and crazy thoughts that pop into my head at random moments. I’ve had thoughts of just “stuff” that I thought I’d never think about. I guess when we go through tough times and feel pain we are more vulnerable to think thoughts that we normally wouldn’t think. I hate this feeling of a constant nagging pain. I don’t feel like myself at all, I feel like who I am is lost in this shell that consists of me…the true me is locked away right now and can’t come out because of having to be suppressed with medication to subside the misery and pain I am feeling. I know that I just don’t care because everything is so relaxed. It is the most odd thing at times, I feel as though I have been out drinking and am drunk.

After I take one of these little magic pills they start to work their wonders in about 30 minutes or so. I start to lose feeling in my toes, then my legs and slowly it goes into my back and my neck, then the pills take over my mind and I can’t think clearly. Every once in awhile I will burst out laughing yet there hasn’t been anything funny said, in fact I’m alone and I know my cat didn’t say anything other than meow. Then I get to a point that I just want to sleep. So, I fall asleep and I sleep hard. I know I must be snoring louder than I normally do. Then my alarm goes off and I have a hard time deciding what day it is. Then when I figure it out I get up reluctantly, I get ready for the day. The days I worked I struggled. Once I got to work it wasn’t so bad, but then about 10 o’clock or so I started feeling sort of out of it. I would laugh inside and just go through my day then about 3 o’clock the same thing happened. Then about 6 o’clock I started feeling like myself but then it’s time to take another pill and start the process all over again.

So this guy that I had the two amazing dates with last week that left for a long weekend back where he is originally from, has sort of reminded me as to why I think all guys have a little bit of a$$hole in them. He called me from the airport Monday night and said he wanted to get together Tuesday night, I was excited, I was going to make him dinner at my place…filet mignon (I know I am too nice!) with the works and strawberry shortcake for dessert. Anyway, he called and left me a message saying work was really busy because he’d been gone and wasn’t going to be able to make it on Tuesday night. I understood and I sort of had a feeling that might happen. So he asked if I was busy on Wednesday, nope so that would work. Well, at about 3:50 pm he text messaged me that he was hung up at work again and was sorry and he’d call later. So, I was like okay, I can deal with that. I actually called him after I got off work and I point blank asked him if he was making up excuses to not see me because I’d rather he’d be truthful and say he wasn’t really interested, he said he is definitely interested. So he called me on his way home from work, we had a good conversation and made plans for tonight for him to come to dinner and he was even going to leave work a bit earlier and he even said he had missed me. I was pretty excited because I’ve missed him too.

Well, today came and this afternoon came and at 3:39 pm he text messaged me telling me he couldn’t make it tonight because he was going to the Wild game, he said he was sorry and he‘d call me. Um, hello! He isn’t even a fan of the Wild and hadn’t watched a whole game until I mentioned I was really a huge Wild fan. I understand because I’d give anything to see the Wild, yet if I had a date with someone that I had canceled on twice and I liked them I don’t know that I could do that to his person. I think I would have at least called them and told them rather than left them a text message.

The sad part is I let myself like him and now I am mad at myself for even thinking that he was different. He’s just like every other guy. Yes, I am hurt. I am an understanding person and I know we aren’t boyfriend and girlfriend but I also thought the potential was there and he even said it himself that he’d like that eventually and he was the one that brought it up, not me. I just don’t get it. If he calls, I’m not sure what I should do. Honestly I'm not sure I want to talk to him because right now I think he's a dink. I’m hurt. I really was looking forward to tonight….I’m really sad right now (and the stupid muscle relaxers I am on are making me feel  more sensitive to stuff) and I’m getting really tired of always being the one to get crapped on…..

I have this fear of falling perhaps because when was really young I fell and knocked my elbow out of place and I remembering going to the chiropractor and having to have it put back into place. Maybe that’s why, maybe it’s when I fell some years ago on ice and cracked my shin yet there was nothing to be done except let it heal.

So Friday my worst nightmare came true. I was going to use the restroom on my break and apparently the ceiling in the bathroom is leaking unbeknownst to anyone. Well, my foot managed to find the puddle of water and I went sliding into the bathroom stall door. My left arm is black and blue, it’s about the size of a dollar bill and looking quite lovely! Anyway, it knocked the breath out of me and made me teary eyed. Immediately my fingers went numb. I went back to work of course after filling out the appropriate accident report, but I was really sore from the trip.

Two trips later to the doctor I think I might be a bit better. At least the pain has subsided somewhat. I really don't remember being in this much pain in a really long time and I've been pretty miserable. My spine should have a curve in it up to my neck, but mine is completely straight because of the stress of the fall it caused my neck muscles to swell causing intense pain and horrible muscle spasms. So, I am now on muscle relaxants for the next few days. I hadn’t been able to sleep and last night was the first night of taking a muscle relaxer; I didn’t hear a thing. I slept extremely well. Today at work was kind of hard because the pills are the time releasing kind and it makes me kind of funky feeling. I’ll be talking and all of sudden my brain will totally go empty at the most inopportune times of course and I have to rethink what I was planning on saying and try to form sentences that make some sort of sense.

Tonight I had a really odd conversation with my ex boyfriend. We still talk and I consider him to be a friend but tonight I’m not sure that I consider him to be anything at all. He told me I sounded different on the phone tonight and I don’t think I do but then again maybe I just feel really happy right now. Anyway, he asked if I had met someone and I said I had, I wanted to keep that part of the conversation to a minimum so I just said yes and changed the subject. I could tell something was bothering him and I told him tell me, with him it was always a game to get him to be completely honest and I finally just said cut the crap and tell me what is bothering you. He finally confessed he wanted us to be together again and he had figured after I kept dating all the wrong guys I would come back to him and then to top it off he said he wasn’t happy for me that I might have found a nice guy. I was a bit mystified by the comments and utterly surprised that those words came from him.

He’s my friend and if the roles were reversed I would be a good enough friend and be happy for them. It was just weird because he kept on asking me what it was like to kiss this guy and if we had done more than just kiss. I of course wouldn’t answer. I’m not someone that sleeps with a guy and he knows that too. The kissing part that’s between me and this sweet guy not between an ex and I. I was dumbfounded at his attitude and his selfishness.

He then confessed he realized what he had with me and wished he could get that back. He told me he’d never find someone as good as me because someone like me doesn’t come along twice in one lifetime. I feel good that he finally saw what he had, but the thing is, when I met him I was in a really different place in life. I had felt so lost and alone after my separation from my ex husband I needed someone in my life and he happened along at just the right moment when I needed him. I loved him, but in love with him, no. I realize now that there is a difference and to be quite honest I’ve never been in love. I’ve loved but I’ve never been in love.

Now, where I am in life I want someone in my life and when I find that person I will want to need them in my life. That’s a huge difference and revelation for me. I’ve come a really long ways and I like who I’ve become. Sure sometimes I’m unsure of the steps I am taking and I get a little scared, but then I find my balance and I’m able to take a bigger step forward to get a little closer to where I am meant to be going.

Have you ever just wished a moment would last forever?

I had a moment like that once upon a time and then I quit believing that it could ever exist or that I ever would want it to exist. I had always wanted to be with someone that thought cuddling was like going to a five star restaurant and eating some of the fanciest delicacies, but everyone I met thought I was the one with the strange ideas because that wasn’t something they were interested in. So I decided maybe my little fantasy was really something that shouldn't exist. I never have met someone that was content to just rest right next to me and caress my face in the most gentlest way that one could ever know…but I’ve always believed “he” was out there somewhere and existed just for me and only me and I for him. Yet I never knew him. Sometimes along this crazy journey I have given up hope at meeting someone wonderful, then there were times I thought I had met him and then my dreams were shattered by their little lies or embellishments, so I started to feel tainted and not worthy that there really was someone wonderful just made for me. True I kept telling myself that he was out there but we just weren’t ready to meet.

I’ve had that relationship that seemed more of a necessity than something I wanted. It wasn’t right but at the time it felt every bit right. I’ve had the mistaken relationship that was filled with much remorse and regret later but I realized later that I learned from it and I wanted and deserved so much more. I’ve been with that guy that thought McDonald’s was a great date night place. I’ve had my ups and downs with dating and have never quite found someone that just quite fit nor did I just quite fit in their arms.

I’ve only been able to imagine that when I found this guy I would feel at home in his arms and I’d look into his eyes and say hello and everything would be right. I never anticipated that he could possibly look into my eyes and say hello and the world just seemed to fall into place around us. I never anticipated feeling a safe feeling in someone’s arms and yet feel something even greater than I have ever felt.

Have you ever felt like you have demons chasing you and you just can’t quite seem to be able to lose them? Lately it seems my past has been creeping back into my present. I have let go of many things yet I have had friends lately that have wanted to discuss things that are going on in their life that brings me back to where I was. It’s hard, because you want to be a good friend yet some of the doors I have closed are ones I really would rather leave unopened. So, I listen to my friends, I give them what I can, yet some of them want more. I don’t know that I am capable of giving them more because I have made the decision to leave a part of my past in the past.

I have a friends that are having infertility issues, I understand it completely because my ex husband and I went through that and it is gut wrenching. Now, my friends who I love very much because they have been there for me through my divorce, they have helped me move and if I ever needed anything they would be there. It’s just hard to have a conversation right now with them when their lives revolve around this big, all too familiar dark cloud. I know they need to talk and I am there for them but at times it’s almost too much for me.

I went out with them and another couple of friends last night. Rather than me being a good friend I drank too much and found my own happy place and I let the alcohol do its thing to numb those demons from the past dissipate back into the past. I couldn’t discuss what I went through, they thought it was because I was somewhat inebriated, it was in fact because that part of me froze up somewhere along my crazy path of life and I literally could not talk about it last night. The other thing, where we were sitting there was a sheriff’s deputy that resembled my ex that was standing near us, smiling and being friendly but very intimidating and everything from the past just comes flooding right back into my future.

I keep thinking I am doing so good then bam something happens that makes me rethink that thought. I really am a good person, I like to go have a good time and let loose once in awhile, I just struggle with drinking because you want to forget something. To me that’s not being a social drinker that’s being someone that is drinking for a cause and I don’t want to be that person. Yet I will tell you I had one heck of a good time last night. So, is it so bad? Probably not.