I think the hardest thing about my divorce is knowing that he hooked up with someone three weeks after I moved out, when we had been married for almost 13 years. I think that of all things that has had to be the biggest blow to me, the most emotionally, tormenting and the biggest hurt I’ve had to deal with. I always had thought so highly of "him" and now I think so lowly, I look at him and am disgusted by his cowardedness to stand up and be a man. Then again if he couldn’t while we were married why would he after.

I never anticipated that I would be sitting here without him someday. I never thought I would have the strength to get out of something that was so wrong from day one. I never thought I could possibly hate myself as much as I hated myself when I was with him because it was comfortable. I never realized the self-destruction that had taken place in my heart, my soul and my spirit. I never knew I could possibly be so crumbled and feel so useless and hopeless. I never thought there would be a day in my life that there wouldn’t be happiness when Alan and Cynthia were spoken in the same sentence.

I don’t have regrets, because I am once again living and thriving. True I have my moments when things aren’t the easiest, but don’t we all have those very same moments? I truly loved my ex. I loved everything about him. I adored him. He was my hero. He was the one person I knew I could always count on. Now, he’s this stranger that seems as though never existed in my life at all. He is my past, he’ll never be a part of my future, nor would I want him to be.

I have felt like I was some old piece of trash that was crumpled up and thrown away. A difficult feeling to overcome but I have realized in this process, women and men are very different. Women grieve and men replace. So, I’ve grieved and have moved on to a better place, a place that feels like home, a place that gets me all warm and fuzzy inside, a place that I can lay my head and easily find my happy place. I have a person in my life that makes me feel more alive than I have ever felt, a person that likes to have fun, someone that can put a smile on my face when the world seems close to crashing in. He on the other hand has replaced. Someone that is merely a replacement for a void he didn’t know how to fill. I wouldn’t want to be known as the replacement or be the replacement. Replacements are a temporary thing for something that is much bigger and grander.

I didn’t fill my void with someone, I filled it with finding who I was and deciding what path I wanted to be on, which forks in the trail I wanted to explore and what clearings I wanted to sit down and breath awhile taking in all that was around me. I realized what beauty lies within the simplicity of the smallest of things. The chirping birds outside my window waking me for another day, but it is another day to make the very most of. A day of realization that I am better, I am beautiful and I am worthy of having everything I have dreamed of and making it a reality.

Yes, there have been bumps, but with those bumps there has been self-empowerment, self-triumphant, and self-realization that I am okay and life isn’t perfect. Hm, how far I have come and how much further I am looking at going................

My favorite month of the whole year is here. I love May, for the beautiful lilacs that let us see their friendly buds that were hidden over the winter. The bright pinks, vibrant lavenders and serene white delicate flowers, I love them all. I guess why I love May so much is it brings several wonderful days to my mind. First off being May Day, today. I remember a little girl I used to babysit way back when that would come and ring my parents’ doorbell and I would go out and there would be this little basket that she had made from construction paper filled with all sorts of little candies. I often wonder where the tradition of May Day came from.

The next important date to me is my parents anniversary, if it weren’t for them I wouldn’t be here typing away today. The next biggy is Mother’s Day, THANK GOD I have the mom I do. She is something special and without her I would not be the woman I am today. The next big one is that it is the first major holiday introducing us into summer. True, most years Memorial Day Weekend is anything but bragging material, but it still signifies that summer is near. Also, that weekend it is important to me because we are remember our Vets. The ones that have fought and are continuing to fight for our country so that I may still have the freedom of typing whatever the heck I wish on my blog, plus a few other thousand freedoms that I have and others do not.

Now for the biggest reason I love May. Its my birthday. Most aren’t that enthused about becoming another year older but to me it signifies another year of my life that I have made a difference in this world and I want to celebrate it. This year I’ll be 36. I feel younger. I remember back to my birthday last year and I remember where I have been and how far I have come.

Last year was tough. My cat died in my arms a few days before my birthday, my X husband and I were still together and it was a hard time for us last year. We both had become very resentful of each other and when he looked at me, I didn’t see that look of love and compassion he once had there for me. I was unemployed looking for work and having a difficult time finding a new job. So, it was hard.

Now, here I am divorced, looking for a house to call home, I have a good job where I am working on getting promoted. I have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me more than anyone has ever loved me before. I still have my other cat Bogie, who in many ways has saved my sanity. Which speaking of Bogie he celebrates his 11^th birthday with me on my birthday! I have my family’s love and support in everything I do. I am very fortunate, not very, but EXTREMELY FORTUNATE. Through all of the hardships, ups and downs, my life has a silver lining and I know because I have never once faltered from losing my faith and hope in God’s plan for me, is why I can look back and see that the hardships I have had are truly blessings in disguise that have molded me into the beautiful and intelligent human being I am right this moment.

Isn’t God great? He is the one constant flame that will never go out in our lives unless we let it. It’s a beautiful thing to have, but we must choose to see it. I’ve kept my faith and I know I will always be blessed in the way God sees fit for me.

Welcome to May my friends! Happy May Day!

And a big HAPPY BIRTHDAY to MY Precious BOGIE-BEAR....xoxo Mommy