Last year at this time I was having the worst night of my life. My ex boyfriend had planned this romantic weekend away up to the North Shore here in Minnesota. He had told me he had a big surprise for me. Of course being the girl I am I thought that a proposal was in sight. The weekend started out bad, we took my vehicle as usual, he was driving too fast as usual and ended up getting a speeding ticket. We argued about it because it had irritated me, being married to a cop in my prior relationship the speed limit is there for a reason and I also had mentioned to him that Memorial Weekend also signifies more law enforcement people out and about. Anyway, when we finally arrived to our destination it started pouring rain. It was cold, our room wasn’t the greatest. The bed was a double bed and lumpy looking. So, he started a fire and somehow or another it basically made our room so smoky we had to leave.

The day of my birthday we headed to dinner and he said he was even going to let me eat cake for my birthday. Um, yeah you read right, let me. He doesn’t eat sugar at all so anytime I wanted anything sweet I always got the guilt trip that my chubby self didn’t need it. So, I was thinking since he was going to let me eat cake that perhaps he was going to pop the question too. Dinner was good, I had filet mignon, my favorite. It was good. Dessert came and I ate it. We left to go back to our room and it was pouring out again. So we got soaked going back as we had walked to the restaurant. We got back to our room and he started a fire and then he went to bed. I started to cry and slept on the hide abed. The next day we headed home. That was the end. I was sad, but tonight as I look back and reflect, I am so lucky, his true colors came out and I was so fortunate to see that he wasn’t a man that would be someone I should even consider to spend my life with.

This year I am better. Much better actually. Tomorrow is my birthday…it’s special because at 7:06 am I came into this world 37 years ago. When I wake up I am going to go for a bike ride probably not the 26 miles I went the other day, but a good work out of course weather permitting. Then I am going to come home sit in my Jacuzzi tub for a good long soak with lots of lavender oil in the water to relax me and my muscles. I will also be heading to a Memorial Day Service that is taking place in one of the local parks here where my new home is. Then my family and Chris (read the previous entry about Chris) are coming over for dinner. I am grilling filet mignon for everyone. I also have white cake with vanilla cheesecake chiffon cream in the middle of it. I will be eating cake, I might even eat two pieces but I will have cake. It will be a good day. I also can’t forget but Bogie, my cat was born on my birthday. He’ll be 13 and he’ll be having cake too because he also has a sweet tooth. So, it will be one of those perfect days, I’ll be with those that I love and I will have a wonderful memory that I will be able to cherish forever…..plus I will have my cake, with frosting and I will eat it too….

So last night my best friend took me out for dinner and drinks for my birthday. My friend is a guy, we’ve been friends for quite awhile and we actually worked together a few years ago. He’s 26 and he’s a college student. He’s going to school to be engineer. He’s super smart and he’s always who I go to when I have guy problems. We go out every few weeks and when we go out with other couples they think we are together. We joke about it and we think it’s funny. When we go out we always manage to finish each other’s sentences and we always seem to get what the other one is thinking. Chris knows a ton about me just as I know a ton about him. We know each other’s deep, dark secrets. He knows things about me that other people don’t. We are really good friends.

Last night we talked about all of the changes he and I have gone through. He also told me how amazing I look and how much different I look compared to a year ago. He said I look vibrant, content and happy, extremely happy actually. I told him with working out, doing the carrot juicing and just really doing some good soul searching I feel as though I am on the top of the world. He said it shows and I look absolutely amazing and he’s really happy for me. He always has been a good support for me and he knows some of the details of what happened when I was married and he’s been a good friend to help me see that it wasn’t me that had the problem. He’s helped me recognize that I am a good person and I need to give myself more credit because I am a good person.

Anyway, last night he was asking me if I ever thought about if what I really wanted with someone was right in front of me and if I realized it if I would date this person. I thought he was talking about a scenario that was happening in his life with some a female he knows. So I gave him my opinion and said of course I would give it a shot because it could be the greatest thing ever. We talked in great detail about it actually. Well, later in the evening a guy that I had gone out with on a date from the town I live in showed up and he sat down with us. My friend Chris and I kept chatting away including this other guy, but he definitely wasn’t on the same wavelength that Chris and I were on. So Chris got up to use the restroom and the other guy asked me if Chris and I had ever thought about dating. I said no and he said he thought that we sure were into each other and he thought I should look at Chris that way. I just shrugged and said nothing.

I’ll be truthful I have thought of Chris that way, but I also know we have this great friendship and I’d never want to mess that up. I also know Chris is in college and I’m looking for Mr. Forever and I’m not sure that Chris is in the same place I am. Plus I have never thought that Chris looked at me in that aspect.

Well, after Chris got back from the restroom, we had a really odd moment. We were talking about something and laughing hysterically. I looked at Chris and made eye contact with him and noticed he was looking at me differently. I can’t explain it but he was looking at me differently. We stared at each other for probably 10-15 seconds and everything around us just stopped and faded away. Neither of us looked away and then finally we went back to reality. It was odd. I honestly am not sure what to think of it.

Then we left and Chris handed me this CD when he brought me back to my place and said I should listen to it because he made it and it was what he was feeling inside. So, I listened to it this morning on my way to my parents house as my mom and I had a special day planned for my birthday of shopping. Every song was a song I have wanted and loved, every song is what I am wanting to feel with that one special person, so I totally get what Chris is feeling because I want what he wants.

So, later in the morning Chris called me to ask how my day was going because he said it was really important to him that I had a good day since my birthday last year was horrible. Then he asked me what I thought of the CD. I told him I understood because I want that relationship, I want to love someone that loves me back, I just would like to meet him. He asked me if I thought it was possible that this person was in my life, I said the person could be, I just wasn’t sure. You see one of the song lyrics was about this great love that was sitting right in front of you and you just weren’t ready for it, but when you were that person would be there for you to love you forever and always. So, we talked for 15 minutes or so and my mom saw me talking on my phone and she asked me if it were Chris and I nodded she has met him and told me to tell him hello, so he said hello back. After I hung up I asked my mom how she knew I was talking to Chris and she said a mom just knows things.

I talked to my mom about what happened the night before and I said I was really confused. I really like Chris, I love him as my friend. I am just not sure as to what else is there. I’m scared to find out. I’m scared that he may not feel the same way. I seriously don’t want to lose our friendship because it means the world to me and I like having him in my life. So, my mom said to just not think about it for now and let things just ride a bit. She’s worried with me starting school next week and working that if I add more to the mix I might not handle it. She just wants me to be happy but she also knows I want to really do well with college too and the first couple of months are going to be somewhat of a transition to make sure I dedicate enough time to it. So I understand where she is coming from too.

I’ll forewarn you, this is a tough one to write, but the words have been conjuring up in my mind ever since I hit the bike trail tonight…so I want to write about it, sometimes writing helps me fit that last puzzle piece in and makes it seem all better so that I can move on from that one last thing that was missing from that one chapter of my life. Maybe the warning is for myself since I never really thought I would write about this. I’ve only talked about this with my psychologist, I never have even mentioned it to my mom and my mom pretty much knows the whole story that makes up me. I’m not sure why I’ve never told her actually, maybe because I don’t want to see that hurt look of how someone hurt her baby in her eyes.

I was in college, I was in California. I was living the big life or at least I thought I was. I had began drinking, not a little bit but a lot. Most college kids drink and I definitely did my fair share of it back then. Anyway, I was always a bit awkward around boys back then. I hadn’t really had a boyfriend, so boys were a mystery to me. Even though I had this fabulous body back then, I never really knew how guys looked at me back then. I get it now. I had a pretty low self self-confidence back then, but something happened after I moved there and I suddenly came into this body that I didn’t even completely recognize, the chubbiness I always knew from high school disappeared. I was doing a lot of dancing at clubs and also was working out a ton so it’s no wonder the chubbiness just kind of disappeared.

So, to move along, my friend needed someone to go with her on a double date and I readily agreed even though boys made me really nervous. I had only kissed one boy at that point so it was hard to imagine what it would be like to kiss another especially when the first kiss happened when I was 12. So, these two guys picked us up and we were going to go into Hollywood to do some dancing. When I lived out there when we went out we dressed up…so I had this beautiful silk, purple dress with a silver belt on, it was pretty short but back then my legs were pretty tan and thin.

Well, the guy that I was being set up with was named Rave’. A nice guy or so I thought. I thought my friend Alison had gone out with them before but later I found out she had just met them the night before. Anyway, the two guys didn’t have the best intentions. Their intentions were to get us very drunk and take advantage of us. I drank, a lot. So much I could hardly walk. At the end of the night we stumbled out of the club and headed back to their car. Little did we know they had reservations at a hotel with two separate rooms.

I don’t remember a ton about what happened except for this guy and his stinky cologne pressed too close against me. I remember him trying to get me undressed but to no avail. I also remember heading to the bathroom, looking in the mirror and praying to God to please help me. I stumbled into that bathroom and could hardly stand, I walked out and looked him straight in the eyes and mustered up this incredible courage and said I’m a virgin and do you really want to take that away from me?

Next thing I knew my friend and I were back safe and sound at our college dorms. Those words worked, the power of God worked, even though I was doing something that was clearly not His will, He gave me the strength to get out of a really bad situation.

In the now, I am amazed how much that night has affected me. Some ways good and other ways not as good. I have a hard time going places by myself because I always think I might get raped even though I didn’t I still think that it could happen. I also get to a certain point with a guy when we actually have a few dates that I turn a part of myself off and then tell them we need to stop kissing. I did that when I was married too, the intimacy part was hard for me. Even though I never told him, it was hard, so I think part of why we didn’t share that part as a couple and grew apart in that aspect was partly me, he had his own demons he never had dealt with too but I had my own too. When I was with my ex boyfriend it was different he didn’t want to and I was absolutely okay with that.

So it’s sinking in I’ll be 37 on May 26^th and I’ll be starting college again on May 27^th. Yikes I am freaked! I’m excited and everything else imaginable. I know what I am doing is the right thing. It’s kind of weird because every time I get a little closer to starting school something happens that points me in that direction that is the journey I am meant to being on.

For instance, today, my admissions advisor emailed me at work to tell me that he found another grant that I am eligible for, almost all of my schooling will be paid for because of this grant and a couple of other ones! Also, somehow on the application I filled out I missed marking I had graduated from high school so he needed my diploma. Um, okay, how many people know where their diploma is? I’ve moved several times since high school and to be quite frank I didn’t even know if I had mine. Well, I walked into my second bedroom and here on this bookshelf was my diploma. I don’t remember ever putting it there, I don’t honestly remember seeing it there…ever. Strange, I know but true.

That’s how my whole life has been since I left my ex husband. I’ve just happened to be in the right place at the right time. I know that it is because God has been leading me in that direction. Like last night I looked outside and the moon was sitting on top of some trees, it was like the tree branches became hands and they were holding this golden ball of magnificence. It was incredible. I felt this complete stillness inside of me, a calmness that I haven’t felt in a really long time. I just new I was right where I belonged and I was meant to be getting more from that one moonlit sky than most would even begin to comprehend in a lifetime. I felt this fullness in my heart that even though I am starting some big things that could quite possibly change my entire life, I am okay with it, I feel at peace and I know I am headed in the right direction.

Have you ever had that one week where pretty much everything completely and utterly exasperated everything you have out of you?

This was the week for me. I am exhausted in every way imaginable. I’ve been working more hours this week because we are having a new system integrated on Monday. The new system I know very little about and have had less than 20 minutes of training on it. So it will no doubt be an interesting week. We were extremely short staffed today so everything I needed to get done really didn’t. I worked until 7:30pm tonight and I was very happy when I hung up with my last caller. I have had every possible angry person across every direction possible from the US to Canada. Somehow I personally saw to it that their freight was lost. Anyway, it’s all in a days work!

On Wednesday, the one day I did leave work a bit early because I had an appointment, I came across something I would have rather not have. Not too far from my home I came across an accident that probably happened 5 minutes or so earlier. One car was smashed across the road and the other one was smashed in the ditch. There was one lady on scene and she was hysterical. She asked me if I could help and I asked if she was hurt, which she said she wasn’t in the accident, so I asked if she had called 9-1-1 she had not. So I told her to call and tell them where we were, which she hadn’t clue and somehow me that knows nothing about directions remembered exactly what streets I was on out in the middle of the country. So I told her after she called to go check on the car that was in the road because that person looked relatively okay.

I decided to go to the ditch to see what I could do. Wednesday was the one day I decided to where a skirt and now I was headed to the muddy ditch. I wasn’t quite prepared for what I saw when I got there either. A bloody mess. I girl that didn’t have a seat belt on and her face was smashed up pretty badly and very bloody. She was completely disoriented she didn’t even know her name, she wanted her mom and I said I would stay with her until help got there. Which I did.

The fire department showed up and about that time the one county’s sheriff was pulling up and then the other county’s sheriff was pulling up, the other one where I used to live…so I decided that was my cue to leave. I gave someone on the fire department my name, I hadn’t seen anything so I didn’t feel it necessary to stay. I drove home pretty much in a dazed state. I got home and threw up. That was my day!

Then my week ended with two days filled with crabby co-workers and callers. So tonight, I am hitting a glass of wine, perhaps two just because I can, I am going to relax in my Jacuzzi tub and then I will be heading off to slumber in my freshly washed sheets that smell of fresh lavender. TGI the weekend is officially here for me!

How come the weekends go so darn quick?

This weekend was another busy one for me, but in actuality I am kind of glad too. As always I am continually pushing myself and bettering myself, which is a good thing. I was talking tonight to someone about fear. Fear is such a deviant, it can hold you back from the things you truly desire, it can keep you in situations that you otherwise wouldn’t stay in, it can just simply scare you into something that you really are not, fear can also scare you into trying and being better.

I know for myself that fear has played many factors to different elements and times in my life. Once it did hold me back, probably because I let someone else determine my fate which was always mine to hold but I let someone else interrupt and tell me what I was supposed to be. Now, I have a fear that I won’t do everything I am meant to be and to do. I am striving so hard to be better and I am enjoying so many aspects in life that I really, truly thought were not possibilities. I am letting fear be the driving force in helping my get more from my life.

I am going to be college bound by the end of May. I will be a full time student. I am scared to death that I won’t be successful yet I know I have the drive and willpower to be everything I can possibly be plus much more. So, I am headed back and have actually decided that a bachelor’s in business is what I need to move me in the direction I am wanting to go. I am thinking at some point being an office manager, possibly working for a logistics company and eventually I can work towards something more psychology related. I have quite a bit from previous education that will definitely help me to be successful in everything my heart desires.

I’m definitely nervous and scared, it will be a change to be a full time student plus work full time but I thrive on change. I need to be challenged….so I will be challenged!

On the guy front, I have met someone that had definitely sparked my attention. We’ve actually made it to date number two and hopefully there will be a third, not hopefully there will be. He provokes a side of me that hasn’t been out, a wilder, crazier side…a side that has always been there but hasn’t ever been stimulated. A definite and more spontaneous side. He’s so shy, it’s so cute and appealing but then we start talking and I am surprised that someone so shy can provoke this crazier side of me. The side that’s always wanted to live just slightly on edge but hasn’t ever had anyone that liberated that feeling of edginess. Time will tell…..

The change of lifestyle aspect, today was a tough day. I was craving chocolate and I gave into that craving. Not a horribly bad thing, but definitely something I will have to do extra cardio for tonight. The greatest news is that I have gone down a size in jeans. I haven’t gained weight so that’s a good thing. I’m excited because I have a pair of CK jeans that make all of my assets look absolutely positively amazing in, I haven’t been able to fit into them for over a year….I can fit into them and they look better than before!

Well, off I go to working out…..Go cardio! Go Cardio! Go cardio! I am also seeing some major changes with drinking carrot juice, my skin has a beautiful glow to it, I am remembering things better than before, finger nails and hair feel and look healthier!

I am totally psyched. Last nightI talked to the admissions counselor at a local college that is affiliated with a much bigger university in the US. I can take classes on-line and get my bachelor’s degree in Psychology if I wanted to. The great news is many of my transcripts will transfer so I probably could be done in a 18 to 24 months. The greater news is that most of my courses I can do on-line and the most greatest news is that I am very eligible for approximately 90% of it financed.

I cannot begin to describe what I am ultimately feeling right now. I am anxious. I am worried. I am excited. I am scared. Almost everything associated with anything to do with life changing events I am feeling right at this exact moment. The whole prospect of me enrolling in college once again scares the life out of me, yet it invigorates me as well. I know I am at a point in my life where I have realized I am quite capable of much more than I am currently doing.

It’s rather ironic how one stage of your life brings you to an absolutely totally different level. I feel as though I have been alive, but lately I feel as though I have been really living my life. I feel as though the word cannot does not apply to me. I am capable of accomplishing much more than I have been putting forth. I no longer want just mediocrity, I am not average nor will I put myself in that category.

It is scary thinking about college and it’s scary thinking about what I can become with a an actual degree. It’s crazy to me thinking for 13 years of my life I let someone tell me I wasn’t intelligent and was incapable of my dreams and my true desires. All of those things that I truly believed in were shattered, lost for a different time, but now found with a new self confidence, reassurance that I never knew existed deep down in my guts. Like they say no guts no glory. I want to put forth every effort that I haven’t before to be successful at everything I can possibly be in this lifetime.

Someone recently emailed me and said that their husband always says “the world belongs to the askers”. She always said she thought the statement was a bit odd but now she has come to the realization that is the exact truth. If you don’t put out in the world what you want you won’t get it. How her and I got on the discussion of it is that she gives me credit for every bad date I go on, I keep on going out with people. Which brings me to how her and I really got onto the topic.