Looking back at my life I would admit I’ve been through a lot for someone my age, yet I feel as though I haven’t been through much at all. At 36 I feel so comfortable in my own skin and so complete as a person, its an amazing and empowering feeling. There are things I regret and choices that if I could go back in time I would change, but since we can’t go back I have taken ownership of the things I did wrong and made them mine with absolutely no excuses.

As I take the time to look back on my almost 13 year marriage in some respects I know I failed but I also know that I wasn’t the only one that did. I didn’t physically cheat but I did emotionally, which when it comes done to it, I think is almost as bad. I had a friend that I relayed a lot of my problems in my marriage to when I should have been talking to my husband. Granted I did try to talk to him to and he’d push me away always putting band aids on the bigger issues we had. I had thoughts of cheating physically but when it came down to it, I couldn’t do it. My ex had made the physical part of our relationship null and void. He had zeroed it out and I thought it was my fault that he didn’t want me in that way. That part of me has taken some time to heal. It still hurts but it is getting easier to know that him pushing me away and not wanting me in a physical manner had absolutely nothing to do with me. There were things that had happened to him in his past that he thought of intimacy as a taboo and disgusting thing. Those thoughts had nothing to do with me, they had been imbedded in his head way before I even became a part of his life. It’s something that had happened to him and he chose to pretend it never did. Strange how something so awful could happen to him, yet it affected me more than it did him. I am the one that is dealing with the consequences of what happened to him and I am the one that thought there was something the matter with me.

I think one of the hardest things is that when I moved out, 3 weeks later she moved in. He of course said he met her after I moved out, but my head tells me otherwise, my heart wants to believe him, but sometimes you need to listen to what your head tells you. I felt like a piece of crappy old trash when I found out he had a serious girlfriend. I couldn’t believe that after I had given him 13 of my years I could so easily be replaced. That’s what she is too, a replacement to fill a void for him that stems from him hating to be alone. The advantage I have is that I lived with this man for almost 13 years and know him quite well. He hates being alone. If he had met some drop dead gorgeous girl I would possibly have a different opinion, but knowing this girl is plain, on the larger side, slobbish, and is older than me and has never had a serious boyfriend, I’ll let you decide put your own thoughts on this matter.

I used to be so pissed off. I was so angry at him. There was a small part of me that hated him, yet I couldn’t because I had loved him so defiantly and would have done anything for him even if it meant giving up my own life so he could have his. I’m not sure what happened exactly, he says we fell out of love, yet two days before I told him I was moving out he was telling me how much he loved me. Then again, 3 weeks later he had a girlfriend, so I often wonder if he really knew what he wanted.

Were we too young when we got married? Quite possibly. Did we fall out of love? That I don’t believe for a minute. I believe our feelings changed, but we were the ones that decided they would change. We didn’t just wake up one day and say oh I don’t love this person anymore. That’s not how it works. There still is a piece of my heart that will always have a special place for Alan. I’ll always have the good memories, it’s the bad ones that I have chosen to bury. I’ve forgiven him for not loving my enough to save our marriage and what we had together. I’m glad he’s found Lara and I sincerely hope they have a happy life together.

As for me, I’m okay. I’m okay with the choice I made almost a year ago. I wasn’t living fully when I was with him and now I’m breathing again and experiencing every little thing life has to offer. I have put a great deal of value on who I am as a person and I will never let another person stomp out the light that will always shine from within me. I will be true to myself and love me. I’ve forgiven myself for the mistakes I’ve made and know that in the future what I need to do to keep a relationship solid. I won’t be with someone for the wrong reasons, I will only be with them because I am being true to myself by loving them completely even the little irritating habits that may annoy me, I will still love them and most importantly I will let myself be loved by them and not push them away.

As I look back, I see how much I have grown and how much I have changed, for the better. I’ve learned along the way, picked myself up when I have stumbled off the beaten trail, I’ve found who I really am and have gained a piece of who I was way back when. I’m stronger, kinder, I love more deeply and I am much more passionate about love. I stand up for me and I will not let anyone walk all over me and treat me poorly. I look at myself in the mirror and I see beauty where once I saw nothing. I realize my self worth and realize there is no dollar amount that you can put on me. I’m important, intelligent and a beautifully amazing person. A person that’s learned so much this past year and still has a heck of a lot more to learn.......

So lately my life has been crazy. Oh let’s be honest not lately, it seems this past year has been the true test to who I really am and just how strong I really am. I wouldn’t go back and trade a second of the hecticness but sometimes I wish there was just one peaceful moment where time could just stop and no I wouldn’t want time to stop for eternity but just for a breather. A short break of sorts. Maybe just an hour where nothing happens. The world around me can pass me by and I can sit and just be. I wouldn’t have to be anywhere, do anything, I could just sit and totally relax.

Since January I have been house hunting. Looking here and searching there. It seems I have this caviar taste on a K-mart budget. At last I have found a place. A place that is all of mine and only mine. Of course my boyfriend is living with me presently and will be moving in with me but for the time being it is in my name and MINE! I’m not sure why the mine is important but perhaps its because I’ve come a LONG ways from last year.

This whole house hunting thing has been quite the process. Tiring, exciting, fun, and to say the least interesting. It all began with the first offer I made on a house. I can’t remember when it was, it seems so long ago and besides there have been a "few" offers I have made to say the least. The first one seemed like the absolute most perfect house, in fact I still love the floor plan and everything about the house, but the lady that owns it, and mind you all of the houses I have made offers on have been empty except for one. Well this lady didn’t want to budge on price at all, so in the now the snowy days have passed from when we made the offer to the present, the house still is looking for an owner and has grass taller than knee high. What a shame.

Well, let’s move onto door number two. This was what seemed to be the perfect house. It was a town home but not connected with any others, so it was like a house. Somewhere this offer fell through the cracks. The next one I decided to make an offer on was a bank owned brand new property, this bank happens to own this property plus about another half a million dollars of homes. Anyway, I have discovered that bankers are the worst to deal with. The offer was put in and I heard back every excuse as to why they hadn’t countered. This house was the dream house of dream houses. A rambler, with a walkout basement of which was not finished, the backyard had a pond in the back of it, oh did I mention the landscaping had to be done in the back and it was some major backbreaking work that needed to be done. Let’s see the master suite had a bedroom for a closet, oops sorry almost like a small bedroom for a closet. Then the master bath, oh my, a Jacuzzi tub that looked out onto the lake. It had a 3 car garage....it had pretty much everything I had ever wanted in a house but the package deal came with a ton of work. Anyway, the bank finally got back to us over a week later but something else had caught our eye and we decided to tell the bank where to go.

Then there was deal #4. The moving date was set, the time off from work was asked off and approved for, the boxes were stacked in the apartment awaiting all of my prized possessions to be packed in them and be moved to what I was going to be calling home. Long story short, the town home we were going to be had an association and the that association was suing the builder for major problems that had come up in this particular development. The one I was planning on buying had a couple of issues but the current owner was going to fix them. Well, low and behold a bank won’t loan money to you there is a lawsuit going on. So, we lost out on that one.

Now we are at offer #5, but for some reason I am thinking this is six. Anyway, I’m purchasing a brand spanking new condo with updates. I will have my Jacuzzi tub, I will have my stainless steel appliances with the refrigerator that has an ice maker on it. Those are my luxuries. I will have a dishwasher, I will have a water softener, I will have a garage door opener, I will have a washer and dryer that I know longer have to go outside in the crappy elements and pay money into to half wash my clothing in and I will have more than 300 square feet to roam aimlessly around in. These are the amenities I have lived without for the last year and I am so looking forward to having them again.

Now for the tricky part, our tentative date to move is July 20^th. So if you have any extra prayers that you feel like sharing...please pray that the home I have so patiently waited for gets down so we can move in and my life may have some normalcy where the home department is concerned....um, yes its been quite the journey....

ThanksÅ(

I had a lady I work with ask me other day how I get through everyday as though it’s my happiest. I was somewhat taken aback by her question. I have issues and problems just like everyone else. I worry, I get stressed and I freak out about things just like everyone else. I explained this to her and she just stared at me telling me that I’ve been through more than anyone she knows at such a young age and I seem unscathed from it and she wanted to know my secret.

So being who I am I have been contemplating what my "secret" is. This isn’t the first time that someone has asked me this, my supervisor asked me this just a couple of months ago. Maybe it’s because I believe very strongly that everything I have been through I have been meant to go through. I truly believe even the painful and hard times I’ve had to learn something from it and take away from it. I know for a fact I am so much stronger than I have ever been, I know that I have a strong sense of empowerment because I am the one that controls me, not anyone else. I know without a doubt I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

Sure my life hasn’t been easy. When I first moved out from my ex I worried how I was going to pay rent, electric and all the other things that you have to be responsible for. I worried if I would have enough money to pay for my cat’s special prescription cat food. I worried if I’d have enough money for gas to get to work. I just decided I knew this was where I was supposed to be and I would put my faith in God and he wouldn’t let his child fail and not one day have I failed. I’ve gotten stronger.

I think the worst thing was when I was told right before Christmas that I possibly had skin cancer and had to have a suspicious mole removed which meant surgery and stitches. Two things I had sworn I’d never do and if I ever had to have done I’d rather die. Well, I had 18 stitches put in and I’m still here. In fact I have to have 3 more moles removed and one is twice the size of the first one. So, you deal with it. You get through it. You pray and you never lose sight that God WILL get you through and you survive it.

A couple weeks ago my ex and I got into a huge disagreement, we don’t talk unless we have to. Anyway in the background his fiancee was screaming "f" this and "f" this at me and I believe the "b" word that also is in reference to a female dog came out. I prayed for him that he really knows what he is getting into. Everyone that I told said I should be glad he is getting exactly what he deserves. True, but still that’s just not how I think. I sincerely hope that he is getting married to this girl because he truly loves her and isn’t filling the void.

I have had my days where getting out of bed seemed like the biggest ordeal. Somehow I managed to get out of bed and you know what, I survived the day just fine and I even found myself a bit happier because I did it. I started seeing a psychologist to help with my anger and anxiety that I was feeling, that was the best decision I could have possibly made. She helped tremendously. I’m not weak because I needed help but stronger because I admitted I couldn’t do it by myself.

I look at where I was almost a year ago and then I see where I am now. A part of the old me from way back has come back, I don’t just see glimpses of the old me, I see her almost on a regular basis. I feel stronger, more content. I’m in a good solid relationship. I’m getting ready to buy a town home and yet again move to a different town, further away from my family, but I’m okay with it. My life is good, really good........I’m lucky and for the first time in a really long time I fully understand what I am worth and what my true value is to this crazy place called earth.....