Have you ever felt like your life is a blur? That’s how I feel today. I’m every emotion possible. Maybe because I know that 6 years ago in October I lost the little being that was would have been meant to be my world. I struggle with that. I think I have gotten over it and bam there it is staring me straight in the face. I hate the feeling, yet I know that child saved my life. The emotions that I feel I think will haunt me indefinitely, they are not feelings I can shut off; although I would like too. This time of year is difficult for me. I feel as though I could fall apart today. I feel as though I am a mess. I just want those emotions to disappear. I don’t want to deal with them today, nor tomorrow. I just want them to go away. I want them to be a bad dream that I don’t have to deal with.

 

I hate that sometimes those feelings just overtake me and I can’t see anything but how I felt back then. Will it ever get better? God, I pray that it does, because that little being haunts me. Sometimes every waking moment haunts me and I hate how it makes me feel. I didn’t mean to lose my child. I hate that I still feel as though it was my fault rather than Mother Nature.

 

I was so happy back then, I thought I had the world at my fingertips. I never anticipated that I would be a statistic and lose that child. That child saved me; my tears are because I know that I was saved from a life of hell and misery. I know that baby saved my life. I can’t go into detail but imagine your worst nightmare and that would probably describe what I had with “him”, times 10.

 

Have you ever just wanted to be numb so you wouldn’t have to deal with anything? That’s how I am feeling right now. I hate this feeling, but sometimes I just don’t want to feel, I just want to feel nothing and be oblivious to whatever is going on around me. I want to be in my shell and never come out. Is that a bad thing? I don’t know. I just know tonight I am hurting, I miss my Angel Baby and I’ll never see that sweet little face and right at this moment I feel as though I will never be given that opportunity to have another little sweet angel baby. It hurts, it’s raw, I have scars and I tonight I am running on empty and I have no clue how to deal with these emotions. It scares me, freaks me out actually. I am doing so well but tonight, I just miss that sweet little baby. I would give my heart, soul and anything else just to have one moment to feel that little angel.  Yes, I really would give anything to have one moment with that little being……it scares me that I will never have that opportunity again.

 

 

I woke up today with a migraine so I went back to bed with an icepack hoping the aspirin I had taken would work. I get these once in awhile and they suck. That’s all there is to it, they just plain and simply suck. So I fell back to sleep and woke up around 1pm. Usually when I get these I am not good for anything for at least 24 hours, so I was happy when I woke up that the pain was actually tolerable. I am supposed to be going to a co-workers wedding reception tonight and it’s quite a drive from where I live and I am just not in the mood to be around loud music and a lot of people. I feel kind of bad yet I have learned through past experience that when I get one of these kinds of headaches that if I’m not careful it will come back in full force and be worse.

I had this weird situation happen to me that presents me with why I am here…..

I stop and get coffee a couple of times a week at this local coffee house in the town where I work. I’ve gotten pretty friendly with the owner, Stacy. She’s awesome; as she’s made my coffee we have shared our “war” stories of dating. She’s been through some of the same things I have been and she met a guy and is happily married. Anyway, she’s always said she will keep her eye out for me, you know how people tell you something and you never hear anything from it, that’s kind of what I thought would happen with this too.

I was wrong.

 

She called me on my hell day at work yesterday and told me she met this guy that her husband works with and right away she thought of me because she just thought our personalities would click. Um, okay. So she had her husband find out if he is single and he is; low and behold the guy stopped into her coffee house yesterday for lunch and asked her why she wanted to know if he was single. So she said she had this “adorable” girl in mind that he should go out with. So she called me asked me if I wanted his number to call him, well, I’m kind of a traditionalist in some aspects so I wanted him to call me. I gave her my phone numbers and he called me this afternoon after I had gotten up.

We talked for over an hour and he seems extremely nice. I have no idea what to expect except that he is 5’7, which I like shorter guys because they are easier to kiss, he had brown hair, blue eyes, has a dog and likes to run. According to Stacy, he’s really good looking. So we’ll see. He asked me out tonight and I said yes. I feel sort of bad that I had plans but I had already decided I didn’t feel up to going and I really didn’t want to go by myself but now I have a date…..a complete blind date.

I’m kind of nervous……the last blind date I went on was when I was in high school and the guy’s pants kept falling down when we were bowling and I saw a full moon indoors….plus he was odd and thought burping and farting was funny….and he ate some of my food off my plate without asking, I thought that was a bit on the presumptuous side, he should have asked and I would have said yes.

Anyway, I have a date, I’m excited about it and it is completely unexpected…..plus my headache has subsided to tolerable so I should be good to go……so, has anyone gone on an absolute blind date where you have just talked to the person and never even seen what they looked like prior to the date?

 

So the great guy loses and the great girl wins. After a good night’s sleep I realize that it’s time to stop hanging onto someone that refuses to speak with you. That’s all I can do. I don’t have an answer and I maybe never will but that’s okay. This chapter for me is done and closed, true it possibly could be reopened if someone decides to call, but if I would choose to read it, is a whole different story altogether.

There’s more to the little story of this guy and girl but of course there are some things that are just not meant to be aired out for everyone to read. There is a very large part missing one which is something that I think he hasn’t quite dealt with and I am thinking that may be part of the issue right now. With shutting me out it’s easier because then he wouldn’t be lying about it to me.

I don’t need someone like that in my life nor do I intend to hold onto to something that really isn’t meant for me to hold onto. I have other things to focus on, school, work and of course my family. I’ve been contemplating moving closer to them, perhaps back to my hometown yet with the housing market as it is, I’m not sure I’d be able to sell my town home. I miss being a few minutes away from them, although it’s good to be in a completely different county than my ex husband. It’s safer even if it’s farther away from the people I love most. So for now, I will stay put and things will get better.

I’m kind of sad, yet I’m okay, I invested what I could with him and he gave me what he could. Maybe it wasn’t enough, maybe it was too much, I held back with a lot and maybe that’s not such a good thing. I told him not to come over one night because it was going to be too late and he asked if I had a date with someone else. I did but with Mr. Sandman. Sleep is how I function; I like some type of semblance of normalcy when it comes to sleep. I like 7-8 hours, the only way I can work my normal 40 plus an additional 6-10 hours of overtime a week, plus workout everyday and sometimes twice a day, go to school and get all my assignments done on a timely manner is to adhere to that schedule. If someone cannot understand that, then I don’t know what to tell them. When that alarm clock goes off at 5 am it is extremely early and if I haven’t gotten enough sleep its miserable to get out of a nice, warm and cozy bed, especially with Mr. Bogie so comfortable sprawled across my arm…that in itself makes it tough, when my little, black, lover bear of a cat looks so comfy, I would like to be just like him some days and stay right next to him…..aha the life of a cat.

 

So with that, I’m off to noddy blinkie land, my little world where everyone is nice as sugar and spice……

I met this really great guy about a month ago. We have so much in common, we laugh together and honestly I felt as though I found my best friend. When we kissed my toes curled and I swear I saw fireworks. When I looked into his beautiful baby blues I got lost. He has been through so much just as I have and our hearts somehow connected. I felt something I never thought I could possibly feel I felt something I seriously never experienced. It scared me yet it was the best kind of scary because I knew in my heart what was blossoming was love, the feeling of falling and being in love. I was enjoying the moments, the sweet kisses, the sweet text messages and the long conversations on the phone about some of the most serious of topics yet some were of the goofiest nature. It truly felt so good. I was feeling so many things and experiencing what I believe was what I would describe as what falling deeply and madly in love with someone would feel like. When I was around him my heart would skip a beat and when he touched me there was this electrical wave that I felt deep within my soul. It was like I was having a wakeup call to something new every time we were together. It was  good and it was magnificent feeling that after all I have been through that I could feel what I was beginning to feel and know the person that you were feeling these things for was feeling some of the same things back. It was incredible.

He is sweet, caring, handsome and so loveable. He is smart, intelligent, thoughtful, and quiet. He’s a guy that enjoys being at home, watching a movie and didn’t mind if it were a chick flick. He seemed as though he would do anything for you if he could. He thought before he spoke, he thought it was cute when I drake a little bit too much wine once in awhile and how I would get more flirtatious than I already am when I am sober. He didn’t mind hearing about my bad day and making me smile before I went to bed just so that my bad day was turned into a really good one. He knew how I liked hearing his sweet voice before I went to bed and how I loved the little text messages throughout the day. He liked the crazy things I would think up and text him and enjoyed my hey you that I would leave on his voicemail when I called. We talked several times a day every day since the day we met, we texted numerous times a day. I’d text him and tell him to have a beautiful day and he’d text me back telling me to have a better one. When my grandpa passed away he was so sweet, he’d text me every few hours just to ask if I was okay and I always knew I would be because there would be anther text message. He helped me get through the wake by sending me sweet texts about what he and my cat were doing while I was gone and he was waiting for me to come back to my home after that long night.

So now I get to the point where everything that was going right seems to have gone all wrong and I am beside myself as to what to do and that brings me here. Writing helps me and right now I need something…so writing is where I am at.

I got a text message from him on Wednesday, he’s in college too and he’s in a writing class and text messaged me telling me he had a paper to write and what kind, which happens to be the same kind I have been working on. So I text messaged back saying I could help him write it because I am good at writing and that’s what couples do. That was at 10:02 am. Then nothing. I thought he was meeting me at my house that night at 8 pm. He never showed. I knew he had the stomach flu on Monday, so I thought maybe he was tired and fell asleep and didn’t feel like coming over. Thursday came I left him a couple of frantic messages thinking that maybe something bad had happened to him and nothing. Before I left work that morning I had remembered that he had called on a land phone where he is living with his aunt and uncle so I went through my caller ID and the number was still there so I jotted it down to call later that afternoon to see if at least he was okay. I spoke with his aunt and she said he was fine and that it was weird he was not in touch with me and she said she’d have him call me as soon as she saw him because that wasn’t like him at all. I’ve yet to hear from him. Nothing, no explanation, nothing. I am lost and I have no words, I have tried going over a thousand scenarios in my head and I come up with nothing. I have left a couple more messages and also text messaged, but I am done. I will not and cannot beg for something that just isn’t going to happen. I feel in my heart I’ll hear from him again…as to when, that I have no answer for. I feel as though I finally found this guy that seemed as though he was becoming my best friend and now he’s gone, but I have no reason as to why. I have no closure if that’s what is meant to be. Nothing. I don’t feel as though I deserve that nor did I ever anticipate he would ever be this way. It feels like I am being played and we both had talked about how we hated game players and would never do that to each other. I just don’t get it and I’m not exactly sure as to where to turn from here. When someone you care about just shuts you out and doesn’t even want to give you a reason as to why, I’m not sure where to turn or to go. I feel as though I should start to cry, yet for what? I feel so lost and empty, I hate this feeling and I don’t have an answer. Last week we established we were boyfriend and girlfriend and then this….so where does one go when you can’t even get an answer?

<<<<My flowers on either side of my garage

<<<<my little rock garden where I illegally added a few things (I live in a town home with an association and we aren't supposed to plant things that come up every year...rules are meant to be broken!)

<<<<<<My front with my bird bath

<<<<<an other one of my front garden

<<<<<<my patio

<<<<<more of my patio

<<<<<<by my front door

<<<<<more of my patio

<<<<<Another of the patio

<<<and one more of my patio......

 

Yup this first year my plants actually look like plants at this time of year.......

My dad and I went fishing. (look closely Mr. Loon posed for me!)

He caught 2 bass and 1 northern. (one of his fish!)

I thought I was going to go home empty handed when low and behold I had a little nibble and pulled up a small bass unfortunately he never made it into the boat because he only was attached to my bait and not my hook. So we continued onward trolling around the same marshy area hoping for that one “big” one to be lurking somewhere and then to land on one of our hooks, I totally think it is luck but my dad seems to think it has something to do with lure colors. I’m not sure and just to prove his theory he switched lures with me to show me I too could catch something and actually land in the boat. Funny, he was the one to catch the next one after that on my so called not the right color lure. Well time passed and he insisted that we were staying until I caught one that I could get into the boat and actually count. My thoughts I was hot and I am a girl and needed bladder relief at some point.

I’m not sure how much time had passed but I do know I had brought in my fair share of weeds as I was casting my line out right next to the marshy waters just so that I could possibly land that “big” one that we both new lurked underneath in the murky waters. So I kept casting and all of a sudden I landed more weeds or at least I thought that until they started pulling in the opposite direction. I thought to myself that was really odd because the other weeds hadn’t done that they just pulled into the boat without any resistance. I swear it was the heat that was getting to me and not my blondeness. Anyway, it finally sunk in that I had a pretty good size fish on. My dad asked me what was wrong and I remember replying I think I was bringing the Lochness Monster into the boat. He had to ask if I had a fish and I said I sure did. He of course assumed that I probably was exaggerating as it had been two years since I had been out fishing. Well, Mr. Fishy got a little closer to the boat and suddenly my dad realized that maybe we might need the net to bring this one in. He got the net out and put it down in the water and Mr. Northern decided to pretty much jump out of the net but with my swift maneuvering and cool collected self I managed to lead Mr. Northern right into captivity, but not before he decided to splash my dad and I. We didn’t mind though after all I just landed “the big” fish tale and besides it was hot out and we needed some cooling off.

Well, Mr. Northern is the hugest fish I have ever caught and I tell you what I am proud of my fish tale because I was sweating trying to bring this guy in. Personally I don’t think my dad figured on me catching this huge fish because he gave me a kind of small rod but at any rate I landed the 32 inch and 8 pound fish into the boat. My dad wanted me to grab it and he would take a picture with my fish and me but have you ever seen the teeth on these sharks? Um, no thanks, I was not doing that. So the only picture I have is with my dad and Mr. Big Northern, now I am kind of wishing I had gotten a picture of me and Mr. Fishy but I promise there will be a next time! After I took pictures on my digital and my camera phone (I had to send it in a few text messages to brag you know, especially to my brother!) we did the catch and release thing. My dad is a huge believer in catch and release just as I am. I want someone else to experience the thrill I got from landing my “Lochness Monster”.

<<<My Dad with MY Fish!!!! Huge huh?!?!?

 <<<<Catch and release, Mr. Northern coming back to life.....

So on Thursday July 3^rd my grandpa of almost 92 years was laid in his final resting place. We all have different beliefs of what happens when one dies, mine is that he is in that casket until Jesus comes back to save us all. Yours perhaps is different but that’s okay, that is indeed what makes us all unique soles. My grandpa H. Lenard that was called Len or Lenard of that I have no answer you see, I share a last name with him but not much else. My dad’s sister and her kids are the ones with the memories. Mine are few, I remember he always had a toothpick in his mouth, I knew he was hard of hearing and I knew that he smacked on his food and I always thought it was probably because he couldn’t hear.

As my dad and I stood together the night of the wake I realized that my dad and I have more in common that I ever thought. You see, large crowds and people they just aren’t my thing. I’m sociable but I really do better with strangers that I don’t have to worry that they are thinking thoughts to judge me and who I am. I do better in small groups, I love my close knit family of  7 because there are no expectations of who I have to be when I am with them. My dad and I pretty much found a corner that was away from the corpse and away from the people. I don’t like the smell of dead and it intimidates me, not because I am afraid of death quite contrary actually, I don’t like what it does to some people and how it overtakes them and they think it’s the end. It should be a celebration of their life, not a time for sadness and sorrow but one of fond memories and joy. So for that I find a safe place and that was with my dad.

When I was married he always was the one that socialized and wasn’t bothered by people, he liked being the center of attention and did what was expected perhaps that’s why this side of my family never understood the reasons I felt of survival to leave. Perhaps that’s why they thought it was okay to have my wedding picture of him and I up on a bulletin board, perhaps they never once thought that maybe that was just something I really didn’t care to see. For the sake of peace and finding my own sanctity I said nothing. The one person that knew it bothered me was my dad and he said they don’t know and they never will understand either. Funny, my dad doesn’t know the whole truth yet he understands me better than what one would think.

I loved my grandpa in my own way, I don’t have the memories that my cousins have nor will I ever. It’s too late for that and personally there’s so much water under the bridge it’s too late to fix what was wrong to begin with so it just goes as is. I was needed on the 4^th to help write out thank you notes, in actuality that’s the only reason my mom and I were invited, the way these people talked about the notes we had to write scares me, I want to leave a personal mark to people and let them know that they comforted me when I didn’t understand all of the emotions I was feeling. My one cousin you could see the dollar signs in his eyes to me that was really sad that they love these two people for all of the wrong reasons and I loved them just because I could. My grandmother is a harsh and very German woman, her words very seldom of kindness so yes at times she was a hard one to swallow. A couple of years ago she lost most of her ability to speak and I’ve always thought that rather ironic because of the harsh things she had said to my mom, my brother and me.

So I did my family duty and I wrote out thank you notes. It took them over twenty minutes to decide what should be written, I didn’t follow their rules I wrote what I felt was appropriate and I knew it was okay because I have always written very good thank you notes. I also wrote out over half of the notes, my mom doesn’t see as well as she used to so I knew I wanted to help take some of the burden off of her, so I wrote tediously and swiftly with my best penmanship. I think my grandpa would have been proud.

Tomorrow, my dad and I are headed out to do some fishing. It’s peaceful and beautiful. I enjoy the water more than I can even say. I sometimes wonder if I shouldn’t have been born a mermaid to dance in the waves that glisten amongst the sun that shines so brightly on them. So we will go and we will laugh. We will drink coffee in the wee hours of the morning since I have to be there by 6:30am. We will share memories, he’ll ask how my thesis paper is coming, he’ll ask what I feel for this one sweet boy that has seemingly caught my attention and also is pulling at my heartstrings. My dad will understand because we are two of a kind and are connected in so many ways. I have his eyes and I often wonder if that’s why I see the world such as he does. One more day of relaxation then its back to the grind of work…..it’s been good having a few days off, I needed the rest and I needed the time to catch my breath a little bit, but it will be good to be back to work with renowned strength and a new sense of capability that I can succeed and I will do well……

My grandfather passed away yesterday morning at the age of 92. He lived a very good life and was a good man from what I could see, but it’s almost as though he’s a stranger to me. I didn’t know him well. My grandparents were not the most loving people and for me that was hard. I don’t remember having any praise from them, I remember them voicing their opinion on how I was wearing something too loud, my hair was too wild and why would my mother let me do such a thing. I came from a pretty liberal family and my parents let me express myself, my grandparents didn’t understand that part of me. Now I sit here and wonder what I am supposed to remember about him, I don’t remember him inspiring me, I don’t remember him telling me he loved me, I don’t remember him ever giving me a hug, I remember nothing. I feel empty but that’s because that’s how I am supposed to feel or at least that’s how I think I am supposed to feel. I’m sad, but I sit here and I struggle trying to recall bits of memories to call my own and I come up empty handed. I feel as though I should cry yet my tears seem to be for some falsification of feeling of I’m not sure what.

I remember growing up and going to their lake home for summer holidays and I remember going fishing with him but I remember him praising my cousins and never me. I remember going to their home and him telling me about all the wonderful things my cousins had done but never was I asked what I had done and what I had accomplished. When I got divorced I was read the riot act because “he” was such a good man and how could I do this to their family. I didn’t do anything to the family; I did what was right for me. I did what I felt I had to do and I don’t regret it.

Tomorrow is the wake and I have to be with family that I know very little about. I hate the feeling of being somewhere that people don’t understand you. I am conscious about what I will wear because I am sure my grandmother will have a comment about it. I am wearing a skirt with sandals no panty hose, I hate panty hose and she comes from an era that a female should always wear them. I am sure she will comment but I can’t pretend to be someone I am not. All my life that’s how it has always felt with them. They are so different than I and those differences pull us in opposite directions.

I loved my grandpa dearly but in my own way, a way that others may not understand or agree with but I did love him very much. I hated seeing him in the nursing home and I hated seeing his health deteriorate. I hated seeing him in pain and I prayed every day that his next would be a better one than the last.   

Tomorrow and Thursday will be a hard one for me because I feel so much animosity towards them and I feel so much hurt but I also realize it’s not about me, it’s about being there for my grandma. I think she will be okay, she’s a tough German….I will admit that perhaps I get my strength from her and that I am lucky for.