Today at church the minister was talking about “taking our garbage out”; basically he was talking about that we have to give up the things that God would not want us to be doing in order to have a closer and better relationship with Him. I have talked to so many people and even I have been guilty of trying to make what God wants to fit my lifestyle rather than living how God wants us to every day. There are things I do and I am sure others do that are definitely things that God would not want us to do. I am not claiming to be perfect nor will I ever be but I can’t mold God to fit into my life, I have to mold myself into what God wants me to be instead. That means coming full circle and realizing there are things about me that I do need to change. I need to be better and not just saying that I am but really act on it. I need to walk the talk rather than just talking the talk. You have to become an activist and make God first in your life, not just when it is convenient for you but always.

Lately, I have been a little scared, you see I work quite a bit of overtime to help me so that I can cover my mortgage, my car payment, my electric, my phone, my cable, my DSL and so forth. Well, I have been told I cannot work much overtime if any. That’s a tough blow to me because I depend on that to pay my bills and I am a single income. I hate touching my savings because eventually it will be gone too. So, I am really trying hard to give my fear and apprehensions I have for the future in God’s hands. I am giving Him my burden and I am rededicating my life to Him. I desperately need Him in my life and He’s always been there but more as a convenience to me when I needed Him. So starting today, I give my life to Him and I am working on building a stronger relationship with God and being a better Christian too.

I love this church I have found. I have been making friends and they really care too. The one gentleman that I have been in contact with made sure to introduce me today to a woman that he thought I would have much in common with. Her and I talked today and I can’t believe how much we have in common. It was like God knew we needed each other in our lives. That in itself has made me realize that I have found the right place to start my journey of being a better Christian. I want to speak His word and tell everyone I know of the feelings I get when I sit and feel His presence in that sanctuary. Today, I had chills on my spine and got rather dizzy because I was so lost in the preacher’s words that he spoke of God.

I know I am not alone in this life and I know Jesus Christ will always be by my side, even when things seem tough I will somehow manage. His strength will help me when I am weak, His love will soften my heart so that I too can have a soaring spirit that is filled with love and joy. I know that when this life is over I will have a much better one than anything I could ever imagine and whilst I am on this crazy planet called Earth I will do everything in my power to prepare myself and anyone around me for His second coming…as I believe we are one day closer to that great day when He comes for His children…there will be no hurt, my little niece Emma won’t have her little club foot she will be even more perfect than she already is, we won’t feel the heartache and sadness, I won’t be lonely, both of my grandmas will not have pain nor will they suffer anymore. We will live in a world that is about peace and we will all get along loving one another without any judgments.

I had this interesting conversation with a friend the other night. We were talking about letting go. You see, this time of year I always have a hard time. This weekend, Labor Day Weekend, 6 years ago I found out I was pregnant and I always remember that moment of how happy I felt and I remember all of the feelings of what it is like to be pregnant in the early moments. I have held onto all of those emotions, not because I wish I was with my ex husband but because it’s a part of how I became who I am right now. I was telling my friend that I wasn’t sure if I could let that go completely and he said to me, maybe it’s just something you don’t know how to let go of and possibly something you aren’t meant to let go of.

What he said made so much sense. I feel if I let go I will lose a part of how I got where I am. I feel if I let go I will forget the strength it has taken me and the enduring journey I have taken to get where I am at right now. If I let go of that little angel baby I might forget why I had to do what I had to do. I feel in my heart that I shouldn’t let go with time it has healed and I don’t think about my ex because he isn’t even a part of the whole big picture; he was just the donor for that terrific feeling of exuberance I felt back then. He wasn’t there for me when I really needed him because he was too selfish to see that when I miscarried my little angel that I barely had the strength to even breathe and he just saw that it was my fault and he was the only one hurting. I hurt back then because of the blame I felt but now, I feel and know it happened to me and that miscarriage had a purpose and brought a whole new meaning to life to me in so many ways.

I believe that it will always be a little tough around this time of year but I’ve let go of blaming myself, because it had nothing to do with me. That little angel wasn’t meant to be born nor was my ex and I meant to be parents as a couple. I know that I am meant to be a mom someday and I know eventually that will happen when that right guy comes into my life until that time I just am enjoying biding my time as a single young woman. I feel that I am in store for some great changes, I think career-wise, man-wise and spiritually I am becoming more alive and awake and I can feel change not too far off in the distance.

So, I don’t think it’s a matter of letting go of things completely unless you are using it as a crutch or an excuse than you need to work on letting those negatives go, but in my situation I don’t view it as a negative anymore, it was  and is a positive. I lost yet I have gained so much because of that little angel baby. It’s an empowering feeling when you can look back and see where you were and how down you were but then see it as more of a stepping stone to get where you are right now and that in my book is a really good thing.

Two years ago on August 19^th, 2006 I moved out of a life of comfort and a life with very few worries. Instead I took the road a little less traveled and decided that the way I had been living almost 13 years really wasn’t living at all, it was just an existence. I had turbulent times pretty much the whole 13 years I was married, some I will contribute to being his fault but some fault was mine as well, that I will not deny. If I could turn back time I would have done a few things differently but I do believe that the end result would have been real close to what it ended up being.

In those 13 years I lost a part of this vivacious, beautiful, sexy, spirited, funny and loveable, young girl. Somewhere between there and then I lost a big part of the person I was, I don’t think it was a purposeful journey to losing a part of myself, I think it is something that just unconsciously happened. I really hadn’t a clue as to what I was back then.  Even now, when I look at myself I sometimes do not recognize all of the wonderful things I have become. True, I know deep down inside that I am all those things and more, but it is sometimes hard to really realize and really know that truly is who you are. In fact it’s sometimes hard to believe it and believing is really seeing it.

The last two years have not been the easiest, I’ve had the rebound relationship and will always feel bad that he wasn’t someone that I could spend the rest of my life with and he now realizes I am what he has been searching for all of his life. He’s a great friend but that’s all I can see him as is. I’ve had a fling, I learned from that and realized that it’s okay that I had that because he was someone that really made me see some things in myself that I hadn’t seen and/or forgotten that I had. I forgot that I had sexual appeal to the opposite sex and that is something that is highly important to realize. I am someone that deserves to have a healthy intimate life with that special someone and I have realized at the right time that person will come along and things will just fit. Most days, I’m not in a hurry to meet him, but some days I do get impatient and wonder if I will meet that one guy, but then I realize its God that is testing me to be faithful to believe in Him and what He wants for me.

I’ve become much more confident in the last two years; I have more confidence than I have ever had. You see, I’m not that young girl anymore; I’m a beautiful, young woman, one with an old soul, but an extremely young spirit. I realize my worth and I place value on myself. I don’t look at losing a child, going through a divorce and dealing with some of the hardships I did when I was married as a hindrance anymore; I look at it as a part of me, but something that I had to go through to get where I am right this very moment. I will always miss my baby and wonder what that little child would have been like, but that is to be expected. I will always remember finding out over a Labor Day weekend that I was expecting, once upon a time. I will always remember that night that I knew that part of me was taken away forever in one rainy October night. I have come to understand its okay to remember those things, to embrace them for what they are and keep them close to my heart but I’ve learned that I am better because I have experienced those things and it has made me more appreciative of what I do have and where I am headed.

I have realized my intelligence. I didn’t realize that I was as intelligent as I am, I have a high IQ, mine is 138, and the average IQ for a person ranges between 100 and 115. So, I know I am capable of more than I was letting myself be; perhaps being told I wasn’t smart had something to do with that and actually believing it. It has definitely taken me a lot to comprehend that I am intelligent and really understand just how smart I am. I remember a time and a place it was easier to play the “dumb blonde” than to let on that I knew exactly what others were talking about and in actuality I probably knew way more about the topic then they did. I do make myself partake in conversations I normally would have just listened to, I do read current events and I do think in a critical manner of things I normally wouldn’t have cared anything about. I also have realized I enjoy being intellectually challenged and stimulated; thus the taking online classes to get my BA in business and also studying psychology comes into play. I also realize this is also something I need in order to have a successful relationship.

Along the way I have discovered not judging a book by its cover. I have realized that it’s good to get to know people for what they are inside rather than just what’s in the inside and usually you are pleasantly surprised. I have learned to look at people differently and think less critically of them; after all we have all had different walks to get us to where we are. The road they traveled quite possibly was different than mine and I am accepting that it was; I also know not all people have had the same opportunities as I have as well as the fact I haven’t had the same ones they have had, that truly is what makes us unique individuals.

I’ve learned that many people are not comfortable in their own skin and like to embellish who they are by making them out to be something they do not quite resemble. I too have been guilty of this and have learned it’s better to be upfront and comfortable with whom you are, because in the end it will get you further. I am a curvy and chubby girl and that’s okay. I will never be an athlete because that’s just not who I am. I work out, but because I know it’s beneficial for me and makes me feel less tired, helps me to feel less stressed and also it enables me to be able to eat some of the things that aren’t as healthy. I have learned that I really hate drinking carrot juice but I know it’s beneficial to my health and yes even though sometimes I feel as though I am gagging as I drink it, it too has its benefits and I feel so much better if I have drank it.  

Lastly, but most importantly I found God. I am once again feeling His amazing presence in my life. I feel that my journey with Him is just beginning. I want to do what Jesus wants me to do in my life and it isn’t always about what I want. It’s His plan that He has for me that is important and I refuse to lose sight of that again.

Be Blessed My Friends…..I am taking a much needed vacation to the place I love, the North Shore here in Minnesota. I cannot wait to do yoga by Lake Superior and hear the waves crashing against the rocks, renewing my love of life and my love of myself and all of the beautiful things that surround me. I am fortunate to be able to take this vacation with my wonderful mom….I feel I am truly blessed more than I can even begin to describe……

Today, I experienced something really different as well as facing one of my fears. Everything went well and I am definitely better for it.  I went to church for the first time by myself. It was such a good thing too. I was apprehensive but I had emailed the minister the night before and he assured me that it would be a good experience and said he hoped that I would find the courage to come there. Somewhere, somehow I mustered it up and did it.

The experience was unlike anything I have experienced before. I have never been to a church where they have a band playing the music and that you sing for most of the service. The sermon was more than incredible. It jump started me and left me craving more…..GOD is AWESOME!!!

The sermon today really struck me because it talked about not what God do for me but what I need to ask Him and that is what I can do for you, what you want me to do for you. It was such a good message and I can hardly wait to go back next week!

Dear Soulmate,

I want to tell you that I believe you are out there. I am putting this out in the universe that I do believe, I’ve never stopped believing. At times I get frustrated that I haven’t yet met you. The timing seems so right on my part but then I have to remember perhaps I’m really not ready and maybe you aren’t either. I dream about you often, I think about you and I have faith in you. I know that when we meet it will be magnetic and we won’t be able to get enough of each other, we will continually drink in everything that each of us has for each other as though we have this constant thirst that just will not be quenched. At night I dream about you and I think about what it will be like to have you laying next to me caressing me tenderly and telling me that we will always be okay because we will always have each other.

You will be my best friend and I yours. You will embrace all of my imperfections as they fit perfectly with you. We will keep no secrets and love each other unconditionally, you will be my world and I will be the soft place you land when you have a bad day. I will raise your spirits and renew your faith in believing that everything will always be alright because I will continually support you and be by your side. It will be complete and utter bliss, we will get through our trying times not because we have to but because we love each other and want to together. We will grow old together and fall more in love with each other even more than that first moment we met.

I think about when my eyes will first lock with yours, you will see my deep green eyes and understand the words that speak from them with nothing ever being said. You will understand my passion for life and my ambitious drive of living every moment to the absolute fullest. You will get my goofy quirks and think they are cute as I will laugh at you idiosyncrasies and embrace them all because  my love runs deeper for you than any river run long and any ocean is deep. I will love you and cherish each and every moment that we have together for tomorrow may never come.

I get lost in the thought of the moment that I have realized I have finally found you and I get goose bumps thinking about it. I think about seeing the love for the first time behind the deep colored pools that you see the world from. I think about that first touch when it’s like two magnets that are stuck together. I will want to be in your life and you will want to be in my life. I think about that first kiss when our lips lock and we both swear we saw fireworks, not every kiss may be as explosive as that first one but we certainly can keep trying.

I look forward to meeting you. I know you are there, you may be in Spain, you might even be just down the block from me, but I do know you are there and you exist. I feel you in my heart every waking moment and I sense your presence in my dreams. I can feel your strong arms take hold of me to embrace me and let me know that I too will be okay until we meet when the timing is just so. I dream of being your wife, the mother of your child, I dream of getting gray with you and I know you have those same dreams. Sometimes you even grace my dreams with your presence and with those dreams I always wake up feeling at peace when I’ve dreamt about you.

I know that you will fit with me and me with you; it will be like we were made perfectly for each other. We will accept each other as is and love one other unconditionally until eternity. I’m at peace right this moment knowing that you exist and someday soon we will find each other. Each moment of each day brings us one step closer until that magical moment of realizing we are each other’s half that makes us whole. You will be the other half of the “us” and “we” that I have been longing for and so desire. I want you to be my best friends always, my lover whenever and my significant other forever. That’s what I want, so today, here I am putting it out in the universe for you to feel, breathe in, sense and just know I am here patiently waiting with an open arms, open heart, open mind and open soul until the moment we meet. Until that day, I wish you a better tomorrow than you had today and know that my heart will belong to you freely, my spirit will soar with you high above the clouds and my soul will be with its rightful mate and forever feel at peace….

Until then, I love you.....I will miss you until you come into my life…..I will cherish each and every moment that you and I will be blessed to have together….until then you are in my heart and I can feel you….open yourself up to me, to love me freely, to love me forever, to love my imperfections that will fit ever so perfectly with you……let love in and let yourself be loved truly and unconditionally and I promise you it will be unlike anything you have ever experienced before…….this is your invitation to my heart, my soul and my life, I’m ready, I’m waiting and I look forward to meeting you……

With Open Arms
I Will Love You For Always
Your Other Half That WIll Make You Whole,
Cynthia.

I started my second block of classes on Monday….I am already being challenged, but I absolutely love it! Life is meant to challenge us and make us think no matter what avenue we are standing at. Never forget that it is a good thing to be challenged, it makes us tougher, stronger and much  better because we endured.

The other day while I was in the shower, lately my best place for thinking, I came up with this quote, I don’t believe I have heard it anywhere so I will claim it as my own, so here it is…..

“Sometimes in life we are not just molded by choice but also by circumstance.”

Anyway, isn’t it true we have choices and we choose the path we want to take but sometimes circumstance takes over and we just have to go with it even though it might not be exactly what we were anticipating or wanting to do to begin with? I know that there have been things in my life that I’ve been given choices that have been circumstantial and I had to make the choice that I did because of it. Another prime example is when I was growing up I had the privilege of going to college in California just as I happen to have gotten the opportunity to take the classes I am. True I have chosen this path but circumstance has made me decide to do what I am doing or what I had previously done.

It’s crazy how life takes you sometimes, sometimes you certainly never meant to end up where you did but then when you get there you look around and think this isn’t too bad….I kind of like it here. I hate it when people say well I couldn’t do this or that because I don’t have support, true it will be harder but you can choose the path you are on, however you cannot choose the circumstances that might end up in front of you.

I know totally deep, I am taking a critical thinking class and it has really made me think this week. I am currently writing a paper on what my opinion is on lethal injection, I have to take a side and have substantial information to back why I feel the way I do. It’s always tough for me to take a side because I have always been one to try to understand both and get why each is important. So I am challenging myself to stick with a side, be passionate about my beliefs because it is okay to have an opinion that is totally yours…..

Well I am off to a street dance….hopefully I will find an interesting dance partner! J