I’ve met someone.

Those words scare me. Really scare me. I met someone that totally has blown anything I could ever imagine right out of the water. I’m not sure what to think of him, I feel as though I have known him forever. I feel like God knew I needed this man to be in my life right now. I feel almost as though my whole life I was getting ready to meet this man. I’m not sure where things will lead, I just know I am enjoying him and what he does for me. We connect on this completely different level. I can’t explain it and you wouldn’t understand unless you have connected with someone on this level. We connect on a level that is beyond anything I can even comprehend. We look into each other’s eyes and get lost in the moment. We know what each other is feeling and thinking. It’s one of the most incredible feelings.

The best part is he wants to spend time with me, he wants to hold me, he wants to make my days better. He’s been through quite a bit and his story makes me want to be a better woman for myself and for everyone around me. He’s a little older than me, has been married and divorced, hasn’t been with too many women, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink and doesn’t have children and wants to be married again someday and have a child. He’s generous, kind, caring, giving, passionate about life, appreciates the little things in life, and is very settled with who he is. He is extremely handsome, well built, likes to work out, likes bowling, has a good job and enjoys laughing and smiling, he makes me laugh and smile. I feel like I am 12 years old when I am with him.

The other night we watched a couple of movies, I fell asleep in his arms. I woke to him playing with my hair and kissing me on the cheek. Time just stopped and we just stared into each other’s eyes, letting the moment consume us and embracing the feeling of the quiet between the two of us. There definitely is a chemistry between the two of us. We joke, we laugh, we smile and we appreciate each other...where we have been and where we are going.

I get scared, but I know I want to take a chance with him because it could be the greatest dance in my life. I believe that if its meant to be it will be. If not I’ll be okay, because I have been through much worse. It amazes me how two people can just fit together, not just on a physical level but on emotional and spiritual level as well. Time will tell where this will lead.....and I’ll be okay wherever it leads and I will better because of him......

Cynthia

Dear Alan,

I never thought in a million years you and I wouldn’t be a we anymore. I hope you realize that all I wanted was to be appreciated and loved unconditionally for the person I had become. I know I had changed...maybe became a little less dependant on you and a bit more stronger, but you became this man that was so hard and cold. You didn’t like to joke or play and be silly with me anymore. I remember when I could convince you to dance in the kitchen and spin me around and around even though there was no music playing. You thought I was nuts, but I could feel the music in my heart. I didn’t need to hear it. I’m not sure if the music stopped in your heart or perhaps it was never really there. I’m not sure anymore. I’m not even sure who you became, I didn’t recognize you. Every once in awhile I caught glimpses of the you that I remembered being silly with but as the days passed I saw less and less of that person. The guy I thought my forever and always would be with.

I never anticipated I could be strong enough to leave, but here I am, I did it. You said I’d never have the courage and no man would ever find me attractive or sexy and want to be with me. I believed you for so long that I thought I had the problem. I thought I was ugly, unworthy of being loved, but those thoughts were ones you placed there and I have let them go. I thought all of the times I offered myself to you and all of the times you turned me down, because you were too tired or just not in the mood, I, thought I had done something wrong. Then you quit kissing me and I quit saying I love you. I couldn’t because I promised myself way back when that I could only say those three words and mean it. Those words were nothing but a few letters and syllables when it came to you. Do you know even now when I say those words to my family and friends, I still feel part of that numbness that you made exist in my heart. How come you became so cold, why didn’t you love me enough to want to be with me?

You let me down. You disappointed me. You hurt me like no one else did. You tell people that I left because of financial reasons which is far from the truth. I got a good job with great health insurance and things could have been wonderful, but you chose to throw that all away. Thirteen years I was your biggest fan, I was the one that always rooted you on when things were tough. I was the one that always managed to see good where there seemed to be none. I know losing the baby was hard for you, but how come when I needed you the most you weren’t there for me? It was the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with and you blamed me. You didn’t comfort me. I cried for our angel all by myself because you decided to shut me out. I still haven’t figured that out and I still wonder what did I do that was so bad to make you not love me enough to be the comfort I so desired back then.

Your harsh words, your constant digs and your threats, made me scared because I didn’t know where the great guy I had met where he had disappeared to. I never cheated, I was faithful. I admit I thought of cheating but it wasn’t right for me. I missed being close to you, but in the end it just didn’t matter to you anymore to want me anymore. That hurt me so badly, it tore my heart apart, I spent nights tormenting and wondering what was wrong with me that made me so undesirable. Finally, I came to the conclusion, I wasn’t the one that had the problems and issues, you had them. Intimacy wasn’t something you liked, you didn’t understand that it was something we needed to survive.

When you let your family say bad things about me and you told me to suck it up, it hurt. I thought you were the one that would always stand by me. You proved that you weren’t the man you needed to be on our wedding eve, when you let your brother tell me to "F" off and you said nothing. I begged to call off the wedding that night but you insisted it would only get better. If what was to come was better, I think I would have chosen the embarrassment of calling off our wedding day. I don’t understand how someone can let their family walk all over their significant other. When I stood up where you didn’t I was known as the bitch in the family. I was only protecting myself and could no longer let myself be walked all over.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry, I didn’t love you enough to keep working at something that seemed impossible. I’m sorry that you never realized what you had until it walked out the door. I’m sorry you will never see how easily things could have been fixed. I’m not sorry for the strength and courage I have gained. I’m different. I will never be that girl again, I’m a bit tougher, a lot smarter and more in tune with my heart, my soul and my spirit than I have ever been. I will never compromise, I will not be something I can’t nor will I be someone to another person unless they can accept me as I am and not want to change me into something that I will never have a desire to be. Yes, I’m sorry because most of all I left so much behind...but I’m not sorry that I left you......

Love,

Cynthia

Life by myself has been good. At times I miss the companionship of a male. I however don’t miss Alan. I don’t the way he looked at life and how he viewed things. It was almost as though I was in this cancerous relationship and his attitude and actions brought me down. I don’t miss the attitude and arrogance of who he had become. The person that I no longer recognized and who stood in front of me and wasn’t much of a man and never thought he needed to apologize or acknowledge that yes perhaps he did do something wrong. I don’t miss that at all.

I’ve started on a new journey. I’ve started dating. No one serious, not really anyone that has sparked anything within me. At times I get a bit hopeless feeling and wonder if I ever will meet someone that will be my world. My dating experience thus far has been nothing too exciting. I’ve gone on 5 dates. Out of the 5 there is one that has been a good one. The only trouble is he has children and smokes. I like children, but I want my own, I really don’t want to have to deal with the problems that go along with someone else’s kids. Some people think that is awful that I don’t particularly want to date someone with children. The one guy that I went on a date with and I actually could see things going somewhere is that his kids come first, which they should, but there is little time for me. So, it clarifies my choice of not wanting a relationship with someone with children.

My good friend was out to visit me last weekend. She told me to make a list of the things I wanted in a guy. So here goes my list for all the world to see.

1. He must be a Christian.

2. Non-smoker.

3. Doesn’t drink alcohol much.

4. Doesn’t have children.

5. Mustn’t be in law enforcement.

6. Has to have a job.

7. Must be passionate about life.

8. Can’t be afraid of intimacy.

9. Wants to have children.

10. Wants to be married at some point.

Anyway, I know it might be a tall order, but somewhere out there I know this guy exists. It just isn’t the right time but when it does happen, it will be an absolutely amazing experience. So until then I’ll continue to heal, love myself and be beautiful!

Cynthia

Last night I had to call my estranged husband to get permission to go to the place I used to call home. He was working which I knew, but he had a rider with him. Which is normal for him to have someone ride along to experience "life on the streets of the everyday cop". What I didn’t expect was to hear some of the personality that I used to love. I was a bit taken aback by how kind and sincere he was being to me. He asked about Bogie (the cat) and even admitted he missed him. After talking to him I kept thinking about how nice it was to actually have a conversation with him that wasn’t one that he was being derogatory towards me. I thought maybe there was hope for him and that he would realize how badly he had tormented me and that how I hadn’t wanted to hurt him by leaving but I had to for my own piece of mind and sanity.

So this morning when I went to his place he was still in bed. Him and I had decided awhile ago to have a garage sale next weekend to get rid of some of the things neither of us needed. Anyway, he woke up and I thought I’d be friendly. He turned back into that person I had been living with the last few years. You see when we were in front of people we put on a great facade of happiness and togetherness. Alone and away from the world our picture we painted was a much different one. One that had resentment looking through those stern blue eyes that used to be filled with love. I had found some pictures of the dog we used to have and I went to give him the pictures because I thought he might like them, since our dog had been more his rather than mine. He said he was such a ham-bone and what a life he had. I agreed and thought to myself, what a life we had had....we had it all.....

It’s tough letting go of the past, but I do know without a doubt it’s the only way to move on with the future. I realized today that last night he was putting on that facade for whoever was riding with him, but when it was just he and I, the reality of how it was is what shined through. I had to laugh because he was getting all dressed up and even had put on cologne to go out for a couple of hours before work. He rubbed it in that he was going somewhere and I was staying there marking things for the garage sale. Truly it didn’t bother me, it just amazes me how I’d want him to dress up so we could go somewhere and he’d find his worst looking wind pants and t-shirt and call it good to go. Telling me this is how he is and get over it because who cares what he looked like. Funny, how life works and changes people at times, yet on the other hand maybe it isn’t he who has changed...perhaps its me that has

and

the true importance in life.....

Cynthia

Today was one of those days that I had to deal with a few hard things. I went back to where I used to call home. I had to get a few of my things that are still there. The one thing with moving from 3000 square feet to barely 500 you have to find creative places to store your belongings. I’ve been able to take a few things to my parents place and my grandmas home. It’s tough spreading your belongings all over, but it is what it is and there’s not much I can do about it at the moment. Back to the original topic. It hasn’t bothered me when I’ve driven up the driveway, seeing the gardens I worked so hard on, you would think any normal person would react, but I think because I had numbed what was inside of me for so long, I don’t feel as what someone normally would. Although I am starting to feel things more. For example the one thing I hadn’t dealt with and hadn’t wanted to deal with...the storage chest.

One would think, no big deal right, just a rubbermaid storage chest. This one holds some pretty special things. Actually at one time it held my world. Today, I had to open it and see the baby clothes I had bought over the last couple of years, anticipating having a child. Cute little pink hats with fur that would make baby look like a bunny. I decided today, I have to let go of those things, all the beautiful things I had bought and we had bought together for our baby we lost. I hadn’t originally planned on getting rid of those things, but my mom pointed out to me that if I do meet someone, wouldn’t I want to buy new things and how would that guy feel if I was hanging onto things from my past. I knew it was time to let go of those things. I will never have a child with this man I had thought would be my forever. He gave up that right to be anything to me when he stopped loving me. He will always be a part of my past, but not my future.

So tomorrow, I am headed back to the place I used to call home and packing up the baby things and giving them away or selling them. It’s time to free myself from that. Ironically today was the day four years ago I took that first pregnancy test that told me I was expecting. It hurts knowing my little baby is gone, yet I know this man that I have left is a stranger to me. You can’t have a family with a stranger. I understand now, why I don’t have that little bundle of love. I wouldn’t have had the courage to leave the situation I was in if I had a child. I don’t honestly know that he would have made a good daddy to our child.

I know that’s a harsh statement to make about a person, but I see how the last couple of years have hardened him, making him be something that I didn’t think he’d ever be capable of being. I often catch myself wondering where did my fun, loving guy that I married go. Where did that guy go that I thought was my prince charming? It’s like his spirit just dissipated off into the sunset into nothing. His soul hardened, his heart became cold. It hurts thinking about the times I wanted to be with him and he turned me down....more often than not. For so long I thought there was something wrong with me...that I wasn’t desirable or loveable enough to have his love anymore.

It’s amazing to me how beautiful my spirit really is when I haven’t been around his cancerous attitude. I feel so cleansed and free. At times I get lonesome for some male companionship and even have ventured out into the dating scene. It isn’t how I remembered it that’s for sure. So far no one is has been worthy of capturing my heart, but I’m glad I am out there extending myself waiting to embrace what comes before me.

Cynthia

I have to write about my saving grace...Mr. Bogie Bear. My cat Bogie, has been a huge part of my life and has become quite the baby since its become him and I. When the other cat had passed away in May, somewhere emerged a different Bogie, a Bogie that wanted to be around people. At least around me anyway. I know moving for him had to be a bit difficult. We moved from an almost 3,000 square foot house to this apartment that is probably around 500 if not less. There aren’t the windows that he can see out and I don’t think if there were windows he could reach there aren’t really many birds around to look at anyway. The place we used to call home, had a beautiful backyard, one where Bogie could gaze out and see the squirrels, the birds and whatever decided to tease him through the deck door he liked to relax in front of. I feel bad that he doesn’t have as much space to roam, I feel bad he doesn’t get to see as many things as he used to, but I am so glad to have him here with me.

Since we have moved he has decided he likes to sleep right up on my pillow resting his soft little paw on my face letting me know he’s there and he won’t leave me. Usually, he jumps up there after I have gotten snuggled in and then he comes and does his kneading and purring bit before he settles into his own nest. In the morning I typically have to get him up unless of course it’s the weekend, then he’s into things trying to get me up. We have gotten into our own routine and he can hear me when I drive up and put my vehicle in the garage and he is there waiting to greet me at the door everyday. What a nice feeling to have someone as faithful as him. True I am the one that feeds him and takes care of him, but it’s the nicest feeling to know he’s there for me at night.

When we first moved I had a little bag of catnip for him and had put it on a shelf in my pantry. The other day he had gotten up on that shelf and was into the bag. I decided I needed to move the catnip to a drawer that he couldn’t get into. He has also discovered he likes to sit on top of the refrigerator, he’s always had a passion for heights! When I am at the computer he has decided that on my chair there is enough room for the both of us. He sits behind me, if I don’t move forward to let him have part of the chair, he nips at my legs until I move forward. Every morning I have yogurt and he has to have a lick or two. He’s not satisfied until I give in and give him some. Most days we have conversations and he meows always agreeing with whatever I say.

Yup I am one lucky person to have a Mr. Bogie Bear in my life.....

Cynthia