I had this revelation today. Actually my dad helped me get the realization of the revelation of this epiphany of what I am. Growing up I always wanted to be daddy’s little girl and I really wasn’t. I think partly because he wasn’t sure how to deal with a girl. Even back in the day my parents fought and now they have gotten to this really nice cozy relationship that I envy. Anyway, my dad and I are relatively close now. Like this morning he was calling me before 8am to check up on me; you see, me living on my own has been a new thing for my whole family and myself. I always had Al, my ex husband, I relied on him for so many things and I never really realized how I lost a big part of who I was to being with him. I don’t think it is something that I meant to have happen, I think it was just easy to have happen because when he walked into the room he commanded the attention and was  the center of attention and I always stood in the background not needing to be in the limelight.

Well, today I was chatting with my parents over the big political campaign and I actually had something to contribute. I’m not a political person, but I am very interested in the history that is being made right now by the candidacy race. I think it’s amazing that here I am, this girl in Minnesota, to be witness to history being made. I am living and breathing what is going on and for the first time I really get that it is something that I should care about because it is truly my future.

From the whole conversation my dad sat back and said the best thing I have done is gone back to college; he went on to tell me that I am an intelligent girl and he didn't  think I really even knew. I didn’t actually. I have had to juggle schoolwork with working but all in all I have handled it very well. I have a 3.84 GPA and I’ve written some amazing papers as well as gotten some amazing grades. Anyway, it felt so good to have him recognize my accomplishment. Both of my parents are extremely proud of me and just having that reassurance lets me know that I am capable of providing a better life for myself and Bogie my cat. (I had to add the cat factor into the picture because he's been a pretty important part of getting up some mornings when I just didn't seem that I could!)

I’ve evolved from this little girl that wasn’t so sure of her own self. That girl that lost that child way back when is a woman and understands her feat as well as sometimes her fate has something to do with her own doing. I have a mortgage, I’ve lived alone for almost a year, I have become picky about who I let into my life that I have created for myself. I live a little ways from my family and I am surviving as well as thriving. I have figured out so much and it’s something that I needed to do.

I have taken the time to work on me, be me, be comfortable just being by myself. I like who I have become. I’m not so afraid, I used to be scared to go places by myself because Al my protector would always be there to take away any awkwardness I might feel. I go to church I sit by myself and it truly is empowering. I go to the coffee shop and sit and sip my coffee without a book or magazine to make me look like I am busy doing something. I have discovered that it’s okay to have to depend on myself for everything and its okay to ask for help when I can’t do it on my own.

I’m finally that young woman I was always meant to be……and I’m truly enjoying just how amazing I really am…..(amazing what a little time can do to make a person really realize what they are made of!)

This past week has been a rough one; turbulent to say the least but I have done some meditating and have resolved a few things and feel better. I also skipped work today; I deserved it after what I had been going through at work. Typically I have this view of what happens at work stays at work. I don’t write about it here just because that’s not really who I am when I am at work. I am a supervisor so I have to be somewhat careful and things at work need to stay there. What I am about to write is how I was personally attacked for being different, I’ve always been extremely proud of who I am and the fact I just don’t let things bother me. However, this week things got to me.

I changed my hair color, no big deal, you have to give me credit that I am my own person and confident enough to do something as drastic as going from blonde to red over night. Most couldn’t nor would they.  I had a one of the people that I work with tell me that my make up didn’t go with my hair, now if you know me you would know that I definitely know my make-up. You have to understand, I know that when you change up your hair color you have to change up the make-up too. The make-up I wore did go with my hair and accentuated my green eyes.

The next person told me that my turquoise blue shirt clashed with my hair. Um, red heads, top colors, blues and greens. Turquoise belongs to both of those families. This same person also had to tell me on Thursday that my gray, pinstriped gaucho pants that had a green tone in them, did not go with my gray tights and gray shoes but my green top did go with the pants sort of. I just about lost it. I actually told her if she had any more condescending remarks to be made about my clothing attire that she should just keep them to herself as I did not appreciate them, she stomped off. There were two other girls that heard the comment and both said I am one of the best dressed there. I actually lost my composure and started to cry. I don’t cry at work.

So yes, today was my mental health day. I haven’t had one of these in over two years and it felt really good. Although my time today was spent finishing up my thesis and my other project that was due on Sunday; then new classes start on Monday. I’m ready for the change and the challenges. It’s weird for me though to not have any schoolwork to do over the weekend. Normally my Sunday is spent playing catch up, so it will be nice to have two days with no schoolwork.

Tomorrow I am headed to a political rally and I am really excited about that since this campaign race is a piece of history in the making. I’m not much for politics, but I am extremely excited that I am living and able to breathe in some of the history that is taking place.  So that’s my big plan tomorrow. Then there’s church on Sunday so a nice quiet weekend and it looks like beautiful fall weather for us here in Minnesota!

 

The eviction process for the guy that is renting space in my brain is not going so well. It’s just weird I’ve never let anyone get under my skin and this guy definitely did. Last night as I was getting ready for bed there was a plane that kept circling over my house. Odd, I know since planes typically don’t circle over one particular place and especially since in the whole year I have lived here I haven’t noticed that many planes flying around here. I hear them on occasion but they are gone and don’t circle. So I find that strange that one would fly around for a long period of time last night and it seemed as though it was just circling.

I went to bed rather late last night since I had schoolwork to work on and had worked late yesterday. When I finally retired to bed I just couldn’t get his smile and beautiful soft eyes out of my head. It’s like it is engraved there just to haunt me. I had some dream about me being on a plane eating warm cinnamon toasted almonds, the almond part, not sure where that came from but the plane part I get that part. I don’t know nor do I understand what happened.

I guess if I met someone totally random in a store and I was attracted to them, then found out they live just a little ways from me, then I went out on a date with them and realized that we had a ton in common and we definitely felt a connection, I would have a hard time just letting that go. I would want to explore it to see what could possibly happen. I don’t understand how someone could say all this “stuff” that was sweet and lead you to believe that there would be more to come and then nothing. That is totally beyond me and I have no explanation except it leaves me feeling hurt and kind of feeling as though there is something wrong with me.

I know a couple of my friends said maybe he wasn’t feeling the same things I was. Which could possibly be true, but why did he want to come back to my place to talk more, why didn’t he leave? A couple of friends said maybe he was going to see how far he could get, the thing with that theory is the guy was a complete gentleman, more so than any guy I have ever met. He gave me this sweet, soft, kiss before he left, and he didn’t try anything nor did he make me uncomfortable. I didn’t get the impression he was looking for a one night stand. I honestly think he was quite content on being single and just never expected to meet someone quite like me. Anyway, I’d like to think that. I just can’t figure out why you wouldn’t tell someone you weren’t interested yet in person you tell a person everything that makes them feel as though there is something more there.

He hasn't called and I broke down tonight and left a message on his voicemail. That's it, I won't call again. This morning  I saw three planes on my way to work....why do planes have an effect on me? He's a flight instructor and the planes I saw are like his Sessna that he has.

 

It's been a long time since I let a guy actually "rent" space in my brain. I keep having these crazy thoughts and dreams.....they are wonderful, but they are killing me. Seriously, in the two years I have been dating I have never felt so connected to another human and it scares me that in that short of time you can feel something....then nothing. It truly is his loss yet, I just can't figure it out. I think that's the hardest part....

 

So, off I go to bed, feeling a little bit worn.....I'm going to try and evict him from the rented space in my brain.......

 

 

<<<<So I decided I needed a big change...this is me today....

 

<<<<<that's me with the blonde.....

 

So it's done, but I'm curious.....blonde or redhead? Same girl on the inside but totally different on te outside.......red or blonde?!?!?

                                                       

 

 

                                                Which one has more fun?

                                                               Which one is sexier?

                                  I guess, time will tell if I have more fun as a redhead or as a blonde........

                                                                         I kinda like both for very different reasons....

                                                               My parents dislike the red, but then again what do they really know?

                                      Let me know what you think....I am curious!

 

 

 

 

 

So the dreamy guy from the “blue super store” hasn’t called me. Why do guys say all the right things but then are giant turds because they have this whole “rule” thing that they have to follow about how and when to call a girl?

True there could be a legitimate reason as to why he hasn’t called………………..

If he doesn’t call, oh well…his loss and my gain because I didn’t have to waste my time finding out what he really is like.

I just hate the games…..ugh….

I really like this guy, so it really frustrates me……

Help!

 

Somehow or another I was convinced to go out on a date with a guy from a dating site that had no pictures up. Neither of us knew what the other one looked like actually. We had talked on the phone and we actually spoke for almost a half a day in one shot. It was a completely amazing connection. Then we decided to meet up. His description of himself definitely made me wonder what mirror he was looking in because what he described and who he was in person as far as looks go were completely different things. Now, you know I’ve had several odd dating experiences and this definitely didn’t rate up at the top as one of the worst, it just wasn’t one of the best at all. I hadn’t expected anything but I definitely wasn’t expecting the guy that got out of his car either.

We decided to meet up for a drink on my turf and he instantly wanted to hold my hand, which that kind of freaks me out. Then he told me that a connection like ours couldn’t be ignored. (um yes it really can be ignored!) He had told me he had a full head of hair, not that it’s important because I find bald very appealing, but he was kind of in between. He said he was a young looking 40 but I’m not sure if he meant if you subtract 10 years first or what. He had told me he was a really snappy and stylish dresser; I think my grandpa who isn’t with us anymore had more style than this guy did. Then he told me he was tan, I don’t tan and I had more color than he did. Lastly he mentioned as to how in shape he was, but I wasn’t quite sure if he was impregnated or if it was a beer gut.

So, I feel as though I am shallow because YES LOOKS DO MATTER to me. Yet I was talking to my friend and she asked me if I felt a connection and I said I didn’t, I kept thinking about what if he decided to kiss me on the first date and I got squeamish thinking about it. Typically when I have a good date (which it’s been awhile for that so my memories may be a bit clouded) I think about what it will be like to kiss them if I am interested. This time I couldn’t wait to get home.

The guy in question has a good job, security, house, car and the list goes on…or at least that is what he told me; but when all that adds up and there’s just no chemistry what do you do? Well, I told him at the end of the date that I just didn’t see this going anywhere because I didn’t feel chemistry. He tells me he can make chemistry happen if I give him the chance. Ugh. So, since the guy keeps calling and texting. I quit answering and I feel like I am being mean but I told him I wasn’t interested and I seriously don’t feel that I need to keep explaining what I feel or don’t feel.

Hmm……that’s my life….oh and here’s me playing dressing up….what do you think about the pink hair? J

 

So my biopsies came back good. They are cells that could turn into cancer, but they are not basal carcinoma cells, which is a great thing! I finally decided to take the stitches out myself on Wednesday; I had contemplated going in to the doctor on Saturday to get them taken out but I couldn’t take it anymore and did it myself. It actually isn’t that bad, I’ve watched enough of them being removed so it’s not so bad. The most important thing is making sure that all your utensils are sterilized which is easy to do by soaking them in rubbing alcohol. Then, you just snip the knot, then take a tweezers and pull the stitch out. The worst thing is that one of my incisions was right below my elbow on the back side, so that was a bit of a challenge taking the stitches out. I actually misjudged and cut the knot too close so I had a hard time getting the stitch out especially since I am right handed and this was on my right arm!

Anyway, all is well; they are removed and healing very nicely. And most importantly no more band aids! So not as much discomfort! J

     

 

On August 28^th I had two more biopsies done. This will be a total of 7 that I have had done in the last two years. I have what is known as Basal Cell Carcinoma; this is basically an early warning sign that I have moles or cells that could be some day if I do not take precautions with the sun and also watching them that it could end up being skin cancer. Since I had my first cell come back as a BCC it has changed my life drastically. The reality is that I caught mine in the early stages so most likely as long as I stay on top of any suspicious moles I will not die from skin cancer.

This last set of biopsies has kind of thrown me for a loop. I honestly don’t have an issue with the scalpel but I do have a hard time with the burning sensations that come from the numbing process before the scalpel touches my skin. Then it’s the aftermath, the part I am feeling now. The wounds have to be covered and the bandages get changed twice a day and I try to adhere to that. My skin is extremely sensitive and by about the 3^rd or 4^th day of band aids, my skin starts to get eaten away from the stickiness of the band aids and believe me I have tried every kind of band aid that is out there plus tapes to try and not have the issue of my skin feeling like it is on fire.

Then there’s the part that I have scars. I undoubtedly will look like Swiss cheese someday. True the scars do heal but I can only imagine how someone must feel that has gone through a mastectomy. I feel as though I am just some hunk of meat just waiting to be cut into it’s just the where and when that is left unanswered. I used to be really paranoid that I could die from this, now I don’t think that will happen. I think if anything it has changed my outlook on life. I eat healthier, I exercise and I really try to take care of myself so that I can live a healthy and long life.

Sometimes I get down like today that I am in pain, not because of the incision but because my skin is raw from the bandages and I constantly feel a burning sensation that about drives me crazy. I want to scratch the incisions but I know I cannot and even if I could the incisions would just burn more. So, I’m crossing my fingers that I will make it through the week when I will have the stitches taken out and hopefully I will have good results back this week!

Have you ever been lied to? I think we all have and I also think we have let the words that aren’t the truth come off of our lips. Sometimes not our proudest moments but we have all been there on the receiving end and on the end of telling the lie. One lie doesn’t make the rest right but sometimes I think at times it feels that the truth is better left unsaid and should remain a mystery. If we don’t tell the exact truth then we aren’t really hurting anyone. When in truth most will find out what the truth really is and it ends up hurting someone.  I have gotten to a point in my life that this is who I am and I don’t need to lie or tell little white lies. Those white lies compromise me as a person and I am done with compromising anything about me. I am proud of whom I have become and I only want to surround myself with people that are willing to be the same.

 

I’m sad tonight because someone has lied to me. Someone has compromised my intelligence and also has made me doubt trusting people. Let me refute that statement a couple of people lied to me today. I had a co-worker look me straight in the eye and lie. How easy it was for this person to state something not even remotely close to the truth in order to avoid admission of one simple mistake. A mistake that was just that a mere mistake, nothing more, nothing less. This person was not going to be reprimanded but just reminded that she needed to do things a little more carefully yet she instead decided to compromise herself and lie. I had another person lie by telling me that they had never been trained on what it was I was questioning them on; the sad thing, the day before, I had the same conversation with them, yet they lied. Then I had someone in my personal life that I had trusted lie. Not just a little white lie but something that is quite big.

I always promised myself that when I left my ex I would never be the other woman. I would never be that girl that added more conflict and pain to another family. I couldn’t do what my ex husband did to me to another person, because I had lived and breathed that pain for many waking moments and let it haunt me late into the darkness. I would never want my worst enemy to feel the pain I felt when I found out that he couldn’t have sex with me but was obliging to other women. Yes, you read right, women. Not just the one he is now married to but the many others. Every time he was away for training or late, I never gave it another thought, yet here he was out with someone else breaking our marriage vows. How easy it was for him, yet when the same opportunities crossed my path I couldn’t quite fathom the idea.

Now in this moment I could be that other women with a man that I started to adore. I knew most of his story and this seemingly nagging gut feeling that there was a tad bit more to it than what he was really letting on. I feel so stupid and when he realized that I figured it out he has nothing to say. No apology just the words this is what I do and you like who I am. I don’t get that. I really don’t at all. It’s like I am just supposed to accept he’s married and he has no intention of being single yet he thinks it’s quite alright to lead someone on, do nice things for them, spend money on them, kiss them, challenge them, tell them they are beautiful, tell me he could go a million miles away and still get lost in my eyes a thousand times over. I don’t get that….at all.

Right now, I feel so suffocated and hurt. I feel bad for his wife. Maybe she knows and likes the lifestyle so she can’t let go. As for me I have to let go because I need more, want more and I definitely deserve so much more than just the little bit he could give me. I feel like such a fool. He’s married. I was the other woman. I hate that statement. I don’t understand how I missed all of the signs. I was telling my mom and she said how could I have possibly seen them when he was everything I had ever wanted and so much more. He was that great guy, the one guy that I actually started having genuine feelings for, how could I let myself actually start to fall.  Now here I am tonight in misery with my heart just a little broken because of how easily it is for one to lie to another human being.