Just A Cornerstone From My World....

Little White Lies....

Thu, 04 Sep 2008 02:26:46 GMT

Have you ever been lied to? I think we all have and I also think we have let the words that aren’t the truth come off of our lips. Sometimes not our proudest moments but we have all been there on the receiving end and on the end of telling the lie. One lie doesn’t make the rest right but sometimes I think at times it feels that the truth is better left unsaid and should remain a mystery. If we don’t tell the exact truth then we aren’t really hurting anyone. When in truth most will find out what the truth really is and it ends up hurting someone. I have gotten to a point in my life that this is who I am and I don’t need to lie or tell little white lies. Those white lies compromise me as a person and I am done with compromising anything about me. I am proud of whom I have become and I only want to surround myself with people that are willing to be the same.

I’m sad tonight because someone has lied to me. Someone has compromised my intelligence and also has made me doubt trusting people. Let me refute that statement a couple of people lied to me today. I had a co-worker look me straight in the eye and lie. How easy it was for this person to state something not even remotely close to the truth in order to avoid admission of one simple mistake. A mistake that was just that a mere mistake, nothing more, nothing less. This person was not going to be reprimanded but just reminded that she needed to do things a little more carefully yet she instead decided to compromise herself and lie. I had another person lie by telling me that they had never been trained on what it was I was questioning them on; the sad thing, the day before, I had the same conversation with them, yet they lied. Then I had someone in my personal life that I had trusted lie. Not just a little white lie but something that is quite big.

I always promised myself that when I left my ex I would never be the other woman. I would never be that girl that added more conflict and pain to another family. I couldn’t do what my ex husband did to me to another person, because I had lived and breathed that pain for many waking moments and let it haunt me late into the darkness. I would never want my worst enemy to feel the pain I felt when I found out that he couldn’t have sex with me but was obliging to other women. Yes, you read right, women. Not just the one he is now married to but the many others. Every time he was away for training or late, I never gave it another thought, yet here he was out with someone else breaking our marriage vows. How easy it was for him, yet when the same opportunities crossed my path I couldn’t quite fathom the idea.

Now in this moment I could be that other women with a man that I started to adore. I knew most of his story and this seemingly nagging gut feeling that there was a tad bit more to it than what he was really letting on. I feel so stupid and when he realized that I figured it out he has nothing to say. No apology just the words this is what I do and you like who I am. I don’t get that. I really don’t at all. It’s like I am just supposed to accept he’s married and he has no intention of being single yet he thinks it’s quite alright to lead someone on, do nice things for them, spend money on them, kiss them, challenge them, tell them they are beautiful, tell me he could go a million miles away and still get lost in my eyes a thousand times over. I don’t get that….at all.

Right now, I feel so suffocated and hurt. I feel bad for his wife. Maybe she knows and likes the lifestyle so she can’t let go. As for me I have to let go because I need more, want more and I definitely deserve so much more than just the little bit he could give me. I feel like such a fool. He’s married. I was the other woman. I hate that statement. I don’t understand how I missed all of the signs. I was telling my mom and she said how could I have possibly seen them when he was everything I had ever wanted and so much more. He was that great guy, the one guy that I actually started having genuine feelings for, how could I let myself actually start to fall. Now here I am tonight in misery with my heart just a little broken because of how easily it is for one to lie to another human being.

Finidng my way back....

Sun, 31 Aug 2008 21:58:11 GMT

Today at church the minister was talking about “taking our garbage out”; basically he was talking about that we have to give up the things that God would not want us to be doing in order to have a closer and better relationship with Him. I have talked to so many people and even I have been guilty of trying to make what God wants to fit my lifestyle rather than living how God wants us to every day. There are things I do and I am sure others do that are definitely things that God would not want us to do. I am not claiming to be perfect nor will I ever be but I can’t mold God to fit into my life, I have to mold myself into what God wants me to be instead. That means coming full circle and realizing there are things about me that I do need to change. I need to be better and not just saying that I am but really act on it. I need to walk the talk rather than just talking the talk. You have to become an activist and make God first in your life, not just when it is convenient for you but always.

Lately, I have been a little scared, you see I work quite a bit of overtime to help me so that I can cover my mortgage, my car payment, my electric, my phone, my cable, my DSL and so forth. Well, I have been told I cannot work much overtime if any. That’s a tough blow to me because I depend on that to pay my bills and I am a single income. I hate touching my savings because eventually it will be gone too. So, I am really trying hard to give my fear and apprehensions I have for the future in God’s hands. I am giving Him my burden and I am rededicating my life to Him. I desperately need Him in my life and He’s always been there but more as a convenience to me when I needed Him. So starting today, I give my life to Him and I am working on building a stronger relationship with God and being a better Christian too.

I love this church I have found. I have been making friends and they really care too. The one gentleman that I have been in contact with made sure to introduce me today to a woman that he thought I would have much in common with. Her and I talked today and I can’t believe how much we have in common. It was like God knew we needed each other in our lives. That in itself has made me realize that I have found the right place to start my journey of being a better Christian. I want to speak His word and tell everyone I know of the feelings I get when I sit and feel His presence in that sanctuary. Today, I had chills on my spine and got rather dizzy because I was so lost in the preacher’s words that he spoke of God.

I know I am not alone in this life and I know Jesus Christ will always be by my side, even when things seem tough I will somehow manage. His strength will help me when I am weak, His love will soften my heart so that I too can have a soaring spirit that is filled with love and joy. I know that when this life is over I will have a much better one than anything I could ever imagine and whilst I am on this crazy planet called Earth I will do everything in my power to prepare myself and anyone around me for His second coming…as I believe we are one day closer to that great day when He comes for His children…there will be no hurt, my little niece Emma won’t have her little club foot she will be even more perfect than she already is, we won’t feel the heartache and sadness, I won’t be lonely, both of my grandmas will not have pain nor will they suffer anymore. We will live in a world that is about peace and we will all get along loving one another without any judgments.

True Strength and Endurance....

Sun, 31 Aug 2008 02:17:32 GMT

I had this interesting conversation with a friend the other night. We were talking about letting go. You see, this time of year I always have a hard time. This weekend, Labor Day Weekend, 6 years ago I found out I was pregnant and I always remember that moment of how happy I felt and I remember all of the feelings of what it is like to be pregnant in the early moments. I have held onto all of those emotions, not because I wish I was with my ex husband but because it’s a part of how I became who I am right now. I was telling my friend that I wasn’t sure if I could let that go completely and he said to me, maybe it’s just something you don’t know how to let go of and possibly something you aren’t meant to let go of.

What he said made so much sense. I feel if I let go I will lose a part of how I got where I am. I feel if I let go I will forget the strength it has taken me and the enduring journey I have taken to get where I am at right now. If I let go of that little angel baby I might forget why I had to do what I had to do. I feel in my heart that I shouldn’t let go with time it has healed and I don’t think about my ex because he isn’t even a part of the whole big picture; he was just the donor for that terrific feeling of exuberance I felt back then. He wasn’t there for me when I really needed him because he was too selfish to see that when I miscarried my little angel that I barely had the strength to even breathe and he just saw that it was my fault and he was the only one hurting. I hurt back then because of the blame I felt but now, I feel and know it happened to me and that miscarriage had a purpose and brought a whole new meaning to life to me in so many ways.

I believe that it will always be a little tough around this time of year but I’ve let go of blaming myself, because it had nothing to do with me. That little angel wasn’t meant to be born nor was my ex and I meant to be parents as a couple. I know that I am meant to be a mom someday and I know eventually that will happen when that right guy comes into my life until that time I just am enjoying biding my time as a single young woman. I feel that I am in store for some great changes, I think career-wise, man-wise and spiritually I am becoming more alive and awake and I can feel change not too far off in the distance.

So, I don’t think it’s a matter of letting go of things completely unless you are using it as a crutch or an excuse than you need to work on letting those negatives go, but in my situation I don’t view it as a negative anymore, it was and is a positive. I lost yet I have gained so much because of that little angel baby. It’s an empowering feeling when you can look back and see where you were and how down you were but then see it as more of a stepping stone to get where you are right now and that in my book is a really good thing.

What I have learned.....

Sat, 16 Aug 2008 16:45:16 GMT

Two years ago on August 19^th, 2006 I moved out of a life of comfort and a life with very few worries. Instead I took the road a little less traveled and decided that the way I had been living almost 13 years really wasn’t living at all, it was just an existence. I had turbulent times pretty much the whole 13 years I was married, some I will contribute to being his fault but some fault was mine as well, that I will not deny. If I could turn back time I would have done a few things differently but I do believe that the end result would have been real close to what it ended up being.

In those 13 years I lost a part of this vivacious, beautiful, sexy, spirited, funny and loveable, young girl. Somewhere between there and then I lost a big part of the person I was, I don’t think it was a purposeful journey to losing a part of myself, I think it is something that just unconsciously happened. I really hadn’t a clue as to what I was back then. Even now, when I look at myself I sometimes do not recognize all of the wonderful things I have become. True, I know deep down inside that I am all those things and more, but it is sometimes hard to really realize and really know that truly is who you are. In fact it’s sometimes hard to believe it and believing is really seeing it.

The last two years have not been the easiest, I’ve had the rebound relationship and will always feel bad that he wasn’t someone that I could spend the rest of my life with and he now realizes I am what he has been searching for all of his life. He’s a great friend but that’s all I can see him as is. I’ve had a fling, I learned from that and realized that it’s okay that I had that because he was someone that really made me see some things in myself that I hadn’t seen and/or forgotten that I had. I forgot that I had sexual appeal to the opposite sex and that is something that is highly important to realize. I am someone that deserves to have a healthy intimate life with that special someone and I have realized at the right time that person will come along and things will just fit. Most days, I’m not in a hurry to meet him, but some days I do get impatient and wonder if I will meet that one guy, but then I realize its God that is testing me to be faithful to believe in Him and what He wants for me.

I’ve become much more confident in the last two years; I have more confidence than I have ever had. You see, I’m not that young girl anymore; I’m a beautiful, young woman, one with an old soul, but an extremely young spirit. I realize my worth and I place value on myself. I don’t look at losing a child, going through a divorce and dealing with some of the hardships I did when I was married as a hindrance anymore; I look at it as a part of me, but something that I had to go through to get where I am right this very moment. I will always miss my baby and wonder what that little child would have been like, but that is to be expected. I will always remember finding out over a Labor Day weekend that I was expecting, once upon a time. I will always remember that night that I knew that part of me was taken away forever in one rainy October night. I have come to understand its okay to remember those things, to embrace them for what they are and keep them close to my heart but I’ve learned that I am better because I have experienced those things and it has made me more appreciative of what I do have and where I am headed.

I have realized my intelligence. I didn’t realize that I was as intelligent as I am, I have a high IQ, mine is 138, and the average IQ for a person ranges between 100 and 115. So, I know I am capable of more than I was letting myself be; perhaps being told I wasn’t smart had something to do with that and actually believing it. It has definitely taken me a lot to comprehend that I am intelligent and really understand just how smart I am. I remember a time and a place it was easier to play the “dumb blonde” than to let on that I knew exactly what others were talking about and in actuality I probably knew way more about the topic then they did. I do make myself partake in conversations I normally would have just listened to, I do read current events and I do think in a critical manner of things I normally wouldn’t have cared anything about. I also have realized I enjoy being intellectually challenged and stimulated; thus the taking online classes to get my BA in business and also studying psychology comes into play. I also realize this is also something I need in order to have a successful relationship.

Along the way I have discovered not judging a book by its cover. I have realized that it’s good to get to know people for what they are inside rather than just what’s in the inside and usually you are pleasantly surprised. I have learned to look at people differently and think less critically of them; after all we have all had different walks to get us to where we are. The road they traveled quite possibly was different than mine and I am accepting that it was; I also know not all people have had the same opportunities as I have as well as the fact I haven’t had the same ones they have had, that truly is what makes us unique individuals.

I’ve learned that many people are not comfortable in their own skin and like to embellish who they are by making them out to be something they do not quite resemble. I too have been guilty of this and have learned it’s better to be upfront and comfortable with whom you are, because in the end it will get you further. I am a curvy and chubby girl and that’s okay. I will never be an athlete because that’s just not who I am. I work out, but because I know it’s beneficial for me and makes me feel less tired, helps me to feel less stressed and also it enables me to be able to eat some of the things that aren’t as healthy. I have learned that I really hate drinking carrot juice but I know it’s beneficial to my health and yes even though sometimes I feel as though I am gagging as I drink it, it too has its benefits and I feel so much better if I have drank it.

Lastly, but most importantly I found God. I am once again feeling His amazing presence in my life. I feel that my journey with Him is just beginning. I want to do what Jesus wants me to do in my life and it isn’t always about what I want. It’s His plan that He has for me that is important and I refuse to lose sight of that again.

Be Blessed My Friends…..I am taking a much needed vacation to the place I love, the North Shore here in Minnesota. I cannot wait to do yoga by Lake Superior and hear the waves crashing against the rocks, renewing my love of life and my love of myself and all of the beautiful things that surround me. I am fortunate to be able to take this vacation with my wonderful mom….I feel I am truly blessed more than I can even begin to describe……

Church....

Sun, 10 Aug 2008 23:55:39 GMT

Today, I experienced something really different as well as facing one of my fears. Everything went well and I am definitely better for it. I went to church for the first time by myself. It was such a good thing too. I was apprehensive but I had emailed the minister the night before and he assured me that it would be a good experience and said he hoped that I would find the courage to come there. Somewhere, somehow I mustered it up and did it.

The experience was unlike anything I have experienced before. I have never been to a church where they have a band playing the music and that you sing for most of the service. The sermon was more than incredible. It jump started me and left me craving more…..GOD is AWESOME!!!

The sermon today really struck me because it talked about not what God do for me but what I need to ask Him and that is what I can do for you, what you want me to do for you. It was such a good message and I can hardly wait to go back next week!

Letter to my soulmate...

Fri, 08 Aug 2008 02:43:12 GMT

Dear Soulmate,

I want to tell you that I believe you are out there. I am putting this out in the universe that I do believe, I’ve never stopped believing. At times I get frustrated that I haven’t yet met you. The timing seems so right on my part but then I have to remember perhaps I’m really not ready and maybe you aren’t either. I dream about you often, I think about you and I have faith in you. I know that when we meet it will be magnetic and we won’t be able to get enough of each other, we will continually drink in everything that each of us has for each other as though we have this constant thirst that just will not be quenched. At night I dream about you and I think about what it will be like to have you laying next to me caressing me tenderly and telling me that we will always be okay because we will always have each other.

You will be my best friend and I yours. You will embrace all of my imperfections as they fit perfectly with you. We will keep no secrets and love each other unconditionally, you will be my world and I will be the soft place you land when you have a bad day. I will raise your spirits and renew your faith in believing that everything will always be alright because I will continually support you and be by your side. It will be complete and utter bliss, we will get through our trying times not because we have to but because we love each other and want to together. We will grow old together and fall more in love with each other even more than that first moment we met.

I think about when my eyes will first lock with yours, you will see my deep green eyes and understand the words that speak from them with nothing ever being said. You will understand my passion for life and my ambitious drive of living every moment to the absolute fullest. You will get my goofy quirks and think they are cute as I will laugh at you idiosyncrasies and embrace them all because my love runs deeper for you than any river run long and any ocean is deep. I will love you and cherish each and every moment that we have together for tomorrow may never come.

I get lost in the thought of the moment that I have realized I have finally found you and I get goose bumps thinking about it. I think about seeing the love for the first time behind the deep colored pools that you see the world from. I think about that first touch when it’s like two magnets that are stuck together. I will want to be in your life and you will want to be in my life. I think about that first kiss when our lips lock and we both swear we saw fireworks, not every kiss may be as explosive as that first one but we certainly can keep trying.

I look forward to meeting you. I know you are there, you may be in Spain, you might even be just down the block from me, but I do know you are there and you exist. I feel you in my heart every waking moment and I sense your presence in my dreams. I can feel your strong arms take hold of me to embrace me and let me know that I too will be okay until we meet when the timing is just so. I dream of being your wife, the mother of your child, I dream of getting gray with you and I know you have those same dreams. Sometimes you even grace my dreams with your presence and with those dreams I always wake up feeling at peace when I’ve dreamt about you.

I know that you will fit with me and me with you; it will be like we were made perfectly for each other. We will accept each other as is and love one other unconditionally until eternity. I’m at peace right this moment knowing that you exist and someday soon we will find each other. Each moment of each day brings us one step closer until that magical moment of realizing we are each other’s half that makes us whole. You will be the other half of the “us” and “we” that I have been longing for and so desire. I want you to be my best friends always, my lover whenever and my significant other forever. That’s what I want, so today, here I am putting it out in the universe for you to feel, breathe in, sense and just know I am here patiently waiting with an open arms, open heart, open mind and open soul until the moment we meet. Until that day, I wish you a better tomorrow than you had today and know that my heart will belong to you freely, my spirit will soar with you high above the clouds and my soul will be with its rightful mate and forever feel at peace….

Until then, I love you.....I will miss you until you come into my life…..I will cherish each and every moment that you and I will be blessed to have together….until then you are in my heart and I can feel you….open yourself up to me, to love me freely, to love me forever, to love my imperfections that will fit ever so perfectly with you……let love in and let yourself be loved truly and unconditionally and I promise you it will be unlike anything you have ever experienced before…….this is your invitation to my heart, my soul and my life, I’m ready, I’m waiting and I look forward to meeting you……

With Open Arms
I Will Love You For Always
Your Other Half That WIll Make You Whole,
Cynthia.

Taking a stand....

Sat, 02 Aug 2008 01:33:59 GMT

I started my second block of classes on Monday….I am already being challenged, but I absolutely love it! Life is meant to challenge us and make us think no matter what avenue we are standing at. Never forget that it is a good thing to be challenged, it makes us tougher, stronger and much better because we endured.

The other day while I was in the shower, lately my best place for thinking, I came up with this quote, I don’t believe I have heard it anywhere so I will claim it as my own, so here it is…..

“Sometimes in life we are not just molded by choice but also by circumstance.”

Anyway, isn’t it true we have choices and we choose the path we want to take but sometimes circumstance takes over and we just have to go with it even though it might not be exactly what we were anticipating or wanting to do to begin with? I know that there have been things in my life that I’ve been given choices that have been circumstantial and I had to make the choice that I did because of it. Another prime example is when I was growing up I had the privilege of going to college in California just as I happen to have gotten the opportunity to take the classes I am. True I have chosen this path but circumstance has made me decide to do what I am doing or what I had previously done.

It’s crazy how life takes you sometimes, sometimes you certainly never meant to end up where you did but then when you get there you look around and think this isn’t too bad….I kind of like it here. I hate it when people say well I couldn’t do this or that because I don’t have support, true it will be harder but you can choose the path you are on, however you cannot choose the circumstances that might end up in front of you.

I know totally deep, I am taking a critical thinking class and it has really made me think this week. I am currently writing a paper on what my opinion is on lethal injection, I have to take a side and have substantial information to back why I feel the way I do. It’s always tough for me to take a side because I have always been one to try to understand both and get why each is important. So I am challenging myself to stick with a side, be passionate about my beliefs because it is okay to have an opinion that is totally yours…..

Well I am off to a street dance….hopefully I will find an interesting dance partner! J

hmm... a title???

Sun, 27 Jul 2008 05:52:25 GMT

Have you ever felt like your life is a blur? That’s how I feel today. I’m every emotion possible. Maybe because I know that 6 years ago in October I lost the little being that was would have been meant to be my world. I struggle with that. I think I have gotten over it and bam there it is staring me straight in the face. I hate the feeling, yet I know that child saved my life. The emotions that I feel I think will haunt me indefinitely, they are not feelings I can shut off; although I would like too. This time of year is difficult for me. I feel as though I could fall apart today. I feel as though I am a mess. I just want those emotions to disappear. I don’t want to deal with them today, nor tomorrow. I just want them to go away. I want them to be a bad dream that I don’t have to deal with.

I hate that sometimes those feelings just overtake me and I can’t see anything but how I felt back then. Will it ever get better? God, I pray that it does, because that little being haunts me. Sometimes every waking moment haunts me and I hate how it makes me feel. I didn’t mean to lose my child. I hate that I still feel as though it was my fault rather than Mother Nature.

I was so happy back then, I thought I had the world at my fingertips. I never anticipated that I would be a statistic and lose that child. That child saved me; my tears are because I know that I was saved from a life of hell and misery. I know that baby saved my life. I can’t go into detail but imagine your worst nightmare and that would probably describe what I had with “him”, times 10.

Have you ever just wanted to be numb so you wouldn’t have to deal with anything? That’s how I am feeling right now. I hate this feeling, but sometimes I just don’t want to feel, I just want to feel nothing and be oblivious to whatever is going on around me. I want to be in my shell and never come out. Is that a bad thing? I don’t know. I just know tonight I am hurting, I miss my Angel Baby and I’ll never see that sweet little face and right at this moment I feel as though I will never be given that opportunity to have another little sweet angel baby. It hurts, it’s raw, I have scars and I tonight I am running on empty and I have no clue how to deal with these emotions. It scares me, freaks me out actually. I am doing so well but tonight, I just miss that sweet little baby. I would give my heart, soul and anything else just to have one moment to feel that little angel. Yes, I really would give anything to have one moment with that little being……it scares me that I will never have that opportunity again.

Update.....

Wed, 23 Jul 2008 01:00:15 GMT

Well, my date went well, but I don't think he was all that interested. He did say I was an intelligent lady. So, not sure what that means. I reported back to my friend at the coffee house and she said she was going to ask him what he thought of me. I will say he was a wonderful and very nice guy. My type? Not so sure. He's a bit more outdoorsy than what I probably would be interested in but then again opposites do attract. He was a bit on the smaller side, I like short, but definitely I like stocky men, granted that's not to say that I haven't been attracted to different types, I guess that 5'7-5'9 or so is more my preferance and then more of a stocky build. Not obese, but built, someone that doesn't look like the wind will blow them away. So time will tell. I actually am okay with being single, I definitely miss certain aspects of being part of a couple but I am okay for now to be by myself and when the right guy comes along, I know it will be fantastic!

I am down with my first set of classes on Sunday and start my new ones on Monday. So, I have a few tests, final DQ's to reply to, a couple of final papers to finish up, but the good news I am almost there! I think I just have to put my final touches on my thesis and then I believe I am down with my schoolwork. Tonight I have been working on a final paper for one class, I completed it, I just want to reread it a couple more times to expand on my original ideas then I will submit it. So far I think I have all A's. SO I am extremely happy about that. True, my final thesis may change that because the professor I have for this class is a bit more difficult and harder on me. So that could change but even if I can get a high B I will be extremely happy! His class has not been a picnic!

Well, back to studying! Have a good week!

A Blind Date.....

Sat, 19 Jul 2008 21:57:32 GMT

I woke up today with a migraine so I went back to bed with an icepack hoping the aspirin I had taken would work. I get these once in awhile and they suck. That’s all there is to it, they just plain and simply suck. So I fell back to sleep and woke up around 1pm. Usually when I get these I am not good for anything for at least 24 hours, so I was happy when I woke up that the pain was actually tolerable. I am supposed to be going to a co-workers wedding reception tonight and it’s quite a drive from where I live and I am just not in the mood to be around loud music and a lot of people. I feel kind of bad yet I have learned through past experience that when I get one of these kinds of headaches that if I’m not careful it will come back in full force and be worse.

I had this weird situation happen to me that presents me with why I am here…..

I stop and get coffee a couple of times a week at this local coffee house in the town where I work. I’ve gotten pretty friendly with the owner, Stacy. She’s awesome; as she’s made my coffee we have shared our “war” stories of dating. She’s been through some of the same things I have been and she met a guy and is happily married. Anyway, she’s always said she will keep her eye out for me, you know how people tell you something and you never hear anything from it, that’s kind of what I thought would happen with this too.

I was wrong.

She called me on my hell day at work yesterday and told me she met this guy that her husband works with and right away she thought of me because she just thought our personalities would click. Um, okay. So she had her husband find out if he is single and he is; low and behold the guy stopped into her coffee house yesterday for lunch and asked her why she wanted to know if he was single. So she said she had this “adorable” girl in mind that he should go out with. So she called me asked me if I wanted his number to call him, well, I’m kind of a traditionalist in some aspects so I wanted him to call me. I gave her my phone numbers and he called me this afternoon after I had gotten up.

We talked for over an hour and he seems extremely nice. I have no idea what to expect except that he is 5’7, which I like shorter guys because they are easier to kiss, he had brown hair, blue eyes, has a dog and likes to run. According to Stacy, he’s really good looking. So we’ll see. He asked me out tonight and I said yes. I feel sort of bad that I had plans but I had already decided I didn’t feel up to going and I really didn’t want to go by myself but now I have a date…..a complete blind date.

I’m kind of nervous……the last blind date I went on was when I was in high school and the guy’s pants kept falling down when we were bowling and I saw a full moon indoors….plus he was odd and thought burping and farting was funny….and he ate some of my food off my plate without asking, I thought that was a bit on the presumptuous side, he should have asked and I would have said yes.

Anyway, I have a date, I’m excited about it and it is completely unexpected…..plus my headache has subsided to tolerable so I should be good to go……so, has anyone gone on an absolute blind date where you have just talked to the person and never even seen what they looked like prior to the date?

Another week....

Sat, 19 Jul 2008 03:01:02 GMT

I cannot believe another week has passed. I am actually doing great, work has been extremely busy so I have been focused on that and I have one week left of the classes I have right now and then I start new ones. So, I am finishing my thesis and other projects and those things keep me busy too!

I'm sad because my favorite Starbucks is closing. My Sunday ritual will have to be changed up. I used to head to my other favorite place with the big red target that symbolizes it's name and they have a have Starbucks inside, so I would get my coffee, get my groceries at my one stop favorite super sized store...so now there will be no more.....I'm really sad about this.....

Sleep and what it can do.....

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 02:44:53 GMT

So the great guy loses and the great girl wins. After a good night’s sleep I realize that it’s time to stop hanging onto someone that refuses to speak with you. That’s all I can do. I don’t have an answer and I maybe never will but that’s okay. This chapter for me is done and closed, true it possibly could be reopened if someone decides to call, but if I would choose to read it, is a whole different story altogether.

There’s more to the little story of this guy and girl but of course there are some things that are just not meant to be aired out for everyone to read. There is a very large part missing one which is something that I think he hasn’t quite dealt with and I am thinking that may be part of the issue right now. With shutting me out it’s easier because then he wouldn’t be lying about it to me.

I don’t need someone like that in my life nor do I intend to hold onto to something that really isn’t meant for me to hold onto. I have other things to focus on, school, work and of course my family. I’ve been contemplating moving closer to them, perhaps back to my hometown yet with the housing market as it is, I’m not sure I’d be able to sell my town home. I miss being a few minutes away from them, although it’s good to be in a completely different county than my ex husband. It’s safer even if it’s farther away from the people I love most. So for now, I will stay put and things will get better.

I’m kind of sad, yet I’m okay, I invested what I could with him and he gave me what he could. Maybe it wasn’t enough, maybe it was too much, I held back with a lot and maybe that’s not such a good thing. I told him not to come over one night because it was going to be too late and he asked if I had a date with someone else. I did but with Mr. Sandman. Sleep is how I function; I like some type of semblance of normalcy when it comes to sleep. I like 7-8 hours, the only way I can work my normal 40 plus an additional 6-10 hours of overtime a week, plus workout everyday and sometimes twice a day, go to school and get all my assignments done on a timely manner is to adhere to that schedule. If someone cannot understand that, then I don’t know what to tell them. When that alarm clock goes off at 5 am it is extremely early and if I haven’t gotten enough sleep its miserable to get out of a nice, warm and cozy bed, especially with Mr. Bogie so comfortable sprawled across my arm…that in itself makes it tough, when my little, black, lover bear of a cat looks so comfy, I would like to be just like him some days and stay right next to him…..aha the life of a cat.

So with that, I’m off to noddy blinkie land, my little world where everyone is nice as sugar and spice……

Falling.....but now where to?

Sun, 13 Jul 2008 02:41:25 GMT

I met this really great guy about a month ago. We have so much in common, we laugh together and honestly I felt as though I found my best friend. When we kissed my toes curled and I swear I saw fireworks. When I looked into his beautiful baby blues I got lost. He has been through so much just as I have and our hearts somehow connected. I felt something I never thought I could possibly feel I felt something I seriously never experienced. It scared me yet it was the best kind of scary because I knew in my heart what was blossoming was love, the feeling of falling and being in love. I was enjoying the moments, the sweet kisses, the sweet text messages and the long conversations on the phone about some of the most serious of topics yet some were of the goofiest nature. It truly felt so good. I was feeling so many things and experiencing what I believe was what I would describe as what falling deeply and madly in love with someone would feel like. When I was around him my heart would skip a beat and when he touched me there was this electrical wave that I felt deep within my soul. It was like I was having a wakeup call to something new every time we were together. It was good and it was magnificent feeling that after all I have been through that I could feel what I was beginning to feel and know the person that you were feeling these things for was feeling some of the same things back. It was incredible.

He is sweet, caring, handsome and so loveable. He is smart, intelligent, thoughtful, and quiet. He’s a guy that enjoys being at home, watching a movie and didn’t mind if it were a chick flick. He seemed as though he would do anything for you if he could. He thought before he spoke, he thought it was cute when I drake a little bit too much wine once in awhile and how I would get more flirtatious than I already am when I am sober. He didn’t mind hearing about my bad day and making me smile before I went to bed just so that my bad day was turned into a really good one. He knew how I liked hearing his sweet voice before I went to bed and how I loved the little text messages throughout the day. He liked the crazy things I would think up and text him and enjoyed my hey you that I would leave on his voicemail when I called. We talked several times a day every day since the day we met, we texted numerous times a day. I’d text him and tell him to have a beautiful day and he’d text me back telling me to have a better one. When my grandpa passed away he was so sweet, he’d text me every few hours just to ask if I was okay and I always knew I would be because there would be anther text message. He helped me get through the wake by sending me sweet texts about what he and my cat were doing while I was gone and he was waiting for me to come back to my home after that long night.

So now I get to the point where everything that was going right seems to have gone all wrong and I am beside myself as to what to do and that brings me here. Writing helps me and right now I need something…so writing is where I am at.

I got a text message from him on Wednesday, he’s in college too and he’s in a writing class and text messaged me telling me he had a paper to write and what kind, which happens to be the same kind I have been working on. So I text messaged back saying I could help him write it because I am good at writing and that’s what couples do. That was at 10:02 am. Then nothing. I thought he was meeting me at my house that night at 8 pm. He never showed. I knew he had the stomach flu on Monday, so I thought maybe he was tired and fell asleep and didn’t feel like coming over. Thursday came I left him a couple of frantic messages thinking that maybe something bad had happened to him and nothing. Before I left work that morning I had remembered that he had called on a land phone where he is living with his aunt and uncle so I went through my caller ID and the number was still there so I jotted it down to call later that afternoon to see if at least he was okay. I spoke with his aunt and she said he was fine and that it was weird he was not in touch with me and she said she’d have him call me as soon as she saw him because that wasn’t like him at all. I’ve yet to hear from him. Nothing, no explanation, nothing. I am lost and I have no words, I have tried going over a thousand scenarios in my head and I come up with nothing. I have left a couple more messages and also text messaged, but I am done. I will not and cannot beg for something that just isn’t going to happen. I feel in my heart I’ll hear from him again…as to when, that I have no answer for. I feel as though I finally found this guy that seemed as though he was becoming my best friend and now he’s gone, but I have no reason as to why. I have no closure if that’s what is meant to be. Nothing. I don’t feel as though I deserve that nor did I ever anticipate he would ever be this way. It feels like I am being played and we both had talked about how we hated game players and would never do that to each other. I just don’t get it and I’m not exactly sure as to where to turn from here. When someone you care about just shuts you out and doesn’t even want to give you a reason as to why, I’m not sure where to turn or to go. I feel as though I should start to cry, yet for what? I feel so lost and empty, I hate this feeling and I don’t have an answer. Last week we established we were boyfriend and girlfriend and then this….so where does one go when you can’t even get an answer?

My Accidental Green Thumb.....

Fri, 11 Jul 2008 23:17:59 GMT

<<<<My flowers on either side of my garage

<<<<my little rock garden where I illegally added a few things (I live in a town home with an association and we aren't supposed to plant things that come up every year...rules are meant to be broken!)

<<<<<<My front with my bird bath

<<<<<an other one of my front garden

<<<<<<my patio

<<<<<more of my patio

<<<<<<by my front door

<<<<<more of my patio

<<<<<Another of the patio

<<<and one more of my patio......

Yup this first year my plants actually look like plants at this time of year.......

The Lochness Monster of Ripley Lake.....

Thu, 10 Jul 2008 01:41:07 GMT

My dad and I went fishing. (look closely Mr. Loon posed for me!)

He caught 2 bass and 1 northern. (one of his fish!)

I thought I was going to go home empty handed when low and behold I had a little nibble and pulled up a small bass unfortunately he never made it into the boat because he only was attached to my bait and not my hook. So we continued onward trolling around the same marshy area hoping for that one “big” one to be lurking somewhere and then to land on one of our hooks, I totally think it is luck but my dad seems to think it has something to do with lure colors. I’m not sure and just to prove his theory he switched lures with me to show me I too could catch something and actually land in the boat. Funny, he was the one to catch the next one after that on my so called not the right color lure. Well time passed and he insisted that we were staying until I caught one that I could get into the boat and actually count. My thoughts I was hot and I am a girl and needed bladder relief at some point.

I’m not sure how much time had passed but I do know I had brought in my fair share of weeds as I was casting my line out right next to the marshy waters just so that I could possibly land that “big” one that we both new lurked underneath in the murky waters. So I kept casting and all of a sudden I landed more weeds or at least I thought that until they started pulling in the opposite direction. I thought to myself that was really odd because the other weeds hadn’t done that they just pulled into the boat without any resistance. I swear it was the heat that was getting to me and not my blondeness. Anyway, it finally sunk in that I had a pretty good size fish on. My dad asked me what was wrong and I remember replying I think I was bringing the Lochness Monster into the boat. He had to ask if I had a fish and I said I sure did. He of course assumed that I probably was exaggerating as it had been two years since I had been out fishing. Well, Mr. Fishy got a little closer to the boat and suddenly my dad realized that maybe we might need the net to bring this one in. He got the net out and put it down in the water and Mr. Northern decided to pretty much jump out of the net but with my swift maneuvering and cool collected self I managed to lead Mr. Northern right into captivity, but not before he decided to splash my dad and I. We didn’t mind though after all I just landed “the big” fish tale and besides it was hot out and we needed some cooling off.

Well, Mr. Northern is the hugest fish I have ever caught and I tell you what I am proud of my fish tale because I was sweating trying to bring this guy in. Personally I don’t think my dad figured on me catching this huge fish because he gave me a kind of small rod but at any rate I landed the 32 inch and 8 pound fish into the boat. My dad wanted me to grab it and he would take a picture with my fish and me but have you ever seen the teeth on these sharks? Um, no thanks, I was not doing that. So the only picture I have is with my dad and Mr. Big Northern, now I am kind of wishing I had gotten a picture of me and Mr. Fishy but I promise there will be a next time! After I took pictures on my digital and my camera phone (I had to send it in a few text messages to brag you know, especially to my brother!) we did the catch and release thing. My dad is a huge believer in catch and release just as I am. I want someone else to experience the thrill I got from landing my “Lochness Monster”.

<<<My Dad with MY Fish!!!! Huge huh?!?!?

<<<<Catch and release, Mr. Northern coming back to life.....

A day of celebration of life and one of relaxation....

Sat, 05 Jul 2008 23:45:58 GMT

So on Thursday July 3^rd my grandpa of almost 92 years was laid in his final resting place. We all have different beliefs of what happens when one dies, mine is that he is in that casket until Jesus comes back to save us all. Yours perhaps is different but that’s okay, that is indeed what makes us all unique soles. My grandpa H. Lenard that was called Len or Lenard of that I have no answer you see, I share a last name with him but not much else. My dad’s sister and her kids are the ones with the memories. Mine are few, I remember he always had a toothpick in his mouth, I knew he was hard of hearing and I knew that he smacked on his food and I always thought it was probably because he couldn’t hear.

As my dad and I stood together the night of the wake I realized that my dad and I have more in common that I ever thought. You see, large crowds and people they just aren’t my thing. I’m sociable but I really do better with strangers that I don’t have to worry that they are thinking thoughts to judge me and who I am. I do better in small groups, I love my close knit family of 7 because there are no expectations of who I have to be when I am with them. My dad and I pretty much found a corner that was away from the corpse and away from the people. I don’t like the smell of dead and it intimidates me, not because I am afraid of death quite contrary actually, I don’t like what it does to some people and how it overtakes them and they think it’s the end. It should be a celebration of their life, not a time for sadness and sorrow but one of fond memories and joy. So for that I find a safe place and that was with my dad.

When I was married he always was the one that socialized and wasn’t bothered by people, he liked being the center of attention and did what was expected perhaps that’s why this side of my family never understood the reasons I felt of survival to leave. Perhaps that’s why they thought it was okay to have my wedding picture of him and I up on a bulletin board, perhaps they never once thought that maybe that was just something I really didn’t care to see. For the sake of peace and finding my own sanctity I said nothing. The one person that knew it bothered me was my dad and he said they don’t know and they never will understand either. Funny, my dad doesn’t know the whole truth yet he understands me better than what one would think.

I loved my grandpa in my own way, I don’t have the memories that my cousins have nor will I ever. It’s too late for that and personally there’s so much water under the bridge it’s too late to fix what was wrong to begin with so it just goes as is. I was needed on the 4^th to help write out thank you notes, in actuality that’s the only reason my mom and I were invited, the way these people talked about the notes we had to write scares me, I want to leave a personal mark to people and let them know that they comforted me when I didn’t understand all of the emotions I was feeling. My one cousin you could see the dollar signs in his eyes to me that was really sad that they love these two people for all of the wrong reasons and I loved them just because I could. My grandmother is a harsh and very German woman, her words very seldom of kindness so yes at times she was a hard one to swallow. A couple of years ago she lost most of her ability to speak and I’ve always thought that rather ironic because of the harsh things she had said to my mom, my brother and me.

So I did my family duty and I wrote out thank you notes. It took them over twenty minutes to decide what should be written, I didn’t follow their rules I wrote what I felt was appropriate and I knew it was okay because I have always written very good thank you notes. I also wrote out over half of the notes, my mom doesn’t see as well as she used to so I knew I wanted to help take some of the burden off of her, so I wrote tediously and swiftly with my best penmanship. I think my grandpa would have been proud.

Tomorrow, my dad and I are headed out to do some fishing. It’s peaceful and beautiful. I enjoy the water more than I can even say. I sometimes wonder if I shouldn’t have been born a mermaid to dance in the waves that glisten amongst the sun that shines so brightly on them. So we will go and we will laugh. We will drink coffee in the wee hours of the morning since I have to be there by 6:30am. We will share memories, he’ll ask how my thesis paper is coming, he’ll ask what I feel for this one sweet boy that has seemingly caught my attention and also is pulling at my heartstrings. My dad will understand because we are two of a kind and are connected in so many ways. I have his eyes and I often wonder if that’s why I see the world such as he does. One more day of relaxation then its back to the grind of work…..it’s been good having a few days off, I needed the rest and I needed the time to catch my breath a little bit, but it will be good to be back to work with renowned strength and a new sense of capability that I can succeed and I will do well……

My Last Grandpa....

Tue, 01 Jul 2008 23:51:32 GMT

My grandfather passed away yesterday morning at the age of 92. He lived a very good life and was a good man from what I could see, but it’s almost as though he’s a stranger to me. I didn’t know him well. My grandparents were not the most loving people and for me that was hard. I don’t remember having any praise from them, I remember them voicing their opinion on how I was wearing something too loud, my hair was too wild and why would my mother let me do such a thing. I came from a pretty liberal family and my parents let me express myself, my grandparents didn’t understand that part of me. Now I sit here and wonder what I am supposed to remember about him, I don’t remember him inspiring me, I don’t remember him telling me he loved me, I don’t remember him ever giving me a hug, I remember nothing. I feel empty but that’s because that’s how I am supposed to feel or at least that’s how I think I am supposed to feel. I’m sad, but I sit here and I struggle trying to recall bits of memories to call my own and I come up empty handed. I feel as though I should cry yet my tears seem to be for some falsification of feeling of I’m not sure what.

I remember growing up and going to their lake home for summer holidays and I remember going fishing with him but I remember him praising my cousins and never me. I remember going to their home and him telling me about all the wonderful things my cousins had done but never was I asked what I had done and what I had accomplished. When I got divorced I was read the riot act because “he” was such a good man and how could I do this to their family. I didn’t do anything to the family; I did what was right for me. I did what I felt I had to do and I don’t regret it.

Tomorrow is the wake and I have to be with family that I know very little about. I hate the feeling of being somewhere that people don’t understand you. I am conscious about what I will wear because I am sure my grandmother will have a comment about it. I am wearing a skirt with sandals no panty hose, I hate panty hose and she comes from an era that a female should always wear them. I am sure she will comment but I can’t pretend to be someone I am not. All my life that’s how it has always felt with them. They are so different than I and those differences pull us in opposite directions.

I loved my grandpa dearly but in my own way, a way that others may not understand or agree with but I did love him very much. I hated seeing him in the nursing home and I hated seeing his health deteriorate. I hated seeing him in pain and I prayed every day that his next would be a better one than the last.

Tomorrow and Thursday will be a hard one for me because I feel so much animosity towards them and I feel so much hurt but I also realize it’s not about me, it’s about being there for my grandma. I think she will be okay, she’s a tough German….I will admit that perhaps I get my strength from her and that I am lucky for.

One Sweet Boy.....

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 00:00:32 GMT

So, “the sweet boy” and I are getting along great. It’s sort of strange, I feel very comfortable around him almost as though I had known him from a past place. I keep trying to remember where I recognize or seem to feel him from and I can’t quite figure it out. We haven’t discussed what we are to each other and that’s okay. I know we aren’t dating anyone else and what we are right now to each other really doesn’t matter. I just know I enjoy his company and want to know more. One of his dad’s good friends passed away suddenly and “the sweet boy” was going to go back home to be there for his dad since he was as a good friend with him as well. So I wasn’t going to see him all weekend, which I was disappointed but I did understand. I felt a little sad that I wasn’t going to see him but I also knew I needed to understand as well. Anyway, he called me when he got done working Friday night and told me he wasn’t going to go back home because it was more important to spend time with me right now. I was elated and I was happy. So we made plans to spend Saturday together.

Saturday

We ended up heading out to see a couple of friends of his that just had a baby. They had invited us to their place to grill. Anyway, his friends are awesome. The husband is a cop for the metro area so talking with him was very familiar to me and odd at the same time. I had closed that chapter of my life and I really never wanted to open it again, but all was okay. You see, “the sweet boy” was a correctional officer and was going to be a cop for the same area when life took a crazy turn and an inmate banged him really hard on the head. “The sweet boy” started having seizures which also means any type of career in law enforcement is a done deal. Back then “the sweet boy” wasn’t like he was. He was one of those that were cocky and enjoyed intimidating people. I know when I first talked to him and found out he had been in law enforcement I wasn’t interested in him at all. I’ve been down that road and it didn’t work. He assured me he wouldn’t be going back to it any time soon and he said when we met in person he would explain the rest. Yesterday the friend had one of his chases on video for us and I could see how “the sweet boy” looked at it. He misses it to an extent; I can see it in his expression that he was excited at the idea of the thrill of the job. We talked later and he assured me that the chapter of his life that included law enforcement was over and done with. This of course makes me feel much better because I’m not sure that I would or could be capable of being with someone in that career choice again. “The sweet boy” assured me that he was completely satisfied going to school to be an electrician and he knows what he wants now and it’s not that.

He’s made comments about what our house could be like if we ever built one since I have the design element and he has the actual mechanics element. That tends to make me believe that he is thinking of a future together. Although we don’t know each other that well, I don’t want to push the issue and to be honest I am quite content with just keeping the things the way they are right now. I miss him being here, yet I like my own space too. I have my way of doing things and it is hard to have someone in your space that has their way of doing things. It’s just a matter of figuring out what a person can and cannot live with. So again, time will only tell. I’m not going anywhere nor am I in a huge hurry for anything….I just know that I do like this “sweet boy” and he is really sweet, caring and easy to like.

The Guy....

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 02:08:51 GMT

So the guy….hmm, where to begin?

Well, it’s weird because there are things I can’t explain as to why when I am with this guy I feel as though I have known him my whole life. We can talk about anything, he listens, he hears, he speaks and he tells and knows some great things. He’s been married, he was in law enforcement and he’s a bit younger than me, but he’s worlds ahead in age to most men that are 10 years older than him. There are a couple of coincidences, the first one; I was at his high school graduation, oddly as it seems I was. He graduated with my ex husband’s youngest sister and I was there. I feel as though I have met him somewhere but perhaps it’s because there are so many things about him that seem so familiar yet I never knew him from anywhere but a dream that I possibly had once upon a time. He has family that lives near where I used to live when I was married. He remembers driving by my house and seeing that we had painted and redid the landscaping. He even remembers seeing me outside once in awhile.

I am not sure if I have met him but I feel so comfortable it feels as though I have. He told me Saturday night that he feels as though he has known me for a lifetime. I had a fever blister on my lip and I don’t get things like that but I think my nerves have been up in the air from work lately, anyway, he told me I was very beautiful regardless of some silly thing on my lip. Um, okay, my lip was swollen, it hurt and it was ugly but this sweet guy told me I was beautiful. This week I haven’t seen him nor will I until Saturday night, he works weird hours right now with going to school full time. He’s trying to get a factory job so that he can work 2pm-10pm Monday through Friday so we can at least spend weekends together until he is done with school which will be February.

It’s been a long time since I have missed someone. It’s been a long time since I really started to think about someone during the day, it’s been a long time that I have cared about someone else. It’s been a long time since I have longed to see someone or wished they could be there with me. I get scared to trust myself and go with what I feel in my heart and he understands and knows exactly where I am coming from because he’s been hurt too. He has his insecurities just as I do yet somehow we just go with what we feel….I’m not 100% sure what I feel but I do know I like where things are going and I am comfortable with how they are. I get freaked out when I start thinking about more than what is just right here in front of me, so I concentrate on the things that I can that are right here in front of me….and I know when the time is right the other things will fall into place just as they are meant to…..

Frustrated....

Wed, 25 Jun 2008 01:58:58 GMT

This week I am struggling. I have been working on my thesis that I am writing on how large corporations outsource much of their work to foreign countries and how it affects us as Americans. I have found a ton of material to use but my problem is that it has to be written in an APA format, one would think that is easy but it is not so much. I have a professor that frustrates me, he seems like he enjoys tooting his own horn and making himself look important, and after all he wrote a book when he was in high school. He basically told our class tonight that the weak ones are the ones that don’t dedicate more time to school than anything else. Well, I have a mortgage to pay, a car payment and other bills the only way those things get paid are if I work close to a 50 hour week. He basically told me in my private forum I needed to spend more time on working on my thesis than working so much…um, okay, are you going to pay my mortgage? Geeze. I was kind of pissed. What I have written isn’t bad, he claims that the whole class is writing at a high school level, well, that’s the last time I wrote a paper. When I was in college it was a trade school, I did hands on for fashion and room design, I didn’t write papers unless it was something for a piece of furniture or clothing, back then my instructors encouraged being different and standing out….so having to write in a certain format is new to me. This guy frustrates me, he seems overly confident, I am sure he is successful, but there is a difference between being pompous versus giving constructive criticism. I’m a perfectionist, but this is hard and I’m frustrated….ARGHHHH!!!!

I’m off to mediate and then try to get something written that doesn’t come across as being something written from my high school days……..

Photo Album: Mostly Me....

Tue, 17 Jul 2007 12:54:30 GMT

Mostly Me....

My 13th Anniversary of my 21st Birthday....

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~Beth and Me~

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Photo Album: KC 2005 tour~Somewhere In The Sun (April 2nd 2005)

Sun, 09 Apr 2006 05:57:19 GMT

KC 2005 tour~Somewhere In The Sun (April 2nd 2005)

Uncle Kracker

Gretchen Wilson

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Photo Album: KC~04/07/06~The Road And The Radio Tour

Sun, 09 Apr 2006 05:42:18 GMT

KC~04/07/06~The Road And The Radio Tour

Sugarland

Jennifer Nettles

Dierks Bentley

Kenny Chesney

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